Womanhood

How come, when I refuse to kowtow to society's expectations of femininity, people accuse me of being ashamed, of not taking pride in my womanhood? If I decide I'd like to ask a boy out, rather than wait, it's a sign of denying my womanhood. Having ambivalence about parenthood (as I am young, have many dreams about my life and little interest in a romantic relationship) makes me unnatural (though I understand my opinions can change). Wanting to pursue a career and more education makes me intimidating to men. Not caring about traditional feminine beauty makes me unfeminine. Why?

I am not ashamed of my biological sex. However, I do not define my identity by what society expects of me as a female. I am diligent, intelligent, stubborn, caring, passionate, and dedicated to what I do. I enjoy making music and furthering my talents in that area. I love to cook, especially Italian, Spanish and increasingly Kenyan foods. I consider spirituality important and I do make the time to pray, attend Mass, and I work to improve my character. I believe service to others is crucial and devote time to volunteer work and activism. I place a high priority on relationships with other people. I am not perfect and certainly have my flaws. At the same time, these are the qualities I am proud of.

I don't believe people should be ashamed of themselves, irrespective of gender. Rather, I believe that we should do all we can to become more of who we are, to further our best qualities. That is what we should be proud of and that matters to me more rather than if someone acts traditionally masculine or feminine. I am not ashamed of my racial background, yet I find no need to act stereotypically "white".

Why should my womanhood be any different?

Religion

If you are unsure about my religious leanings, you either do not know me or have not read my blog. I will admit, subtlety is not my best quality. In any case, I am a Roman Catholic, having grown up in a very Catholic area and officially choosing it as my faith as a teenager. Yet my views are not as cut and dry. While I identify with Catholicism on many levels (emotional, cultural, intellectual), I cannot identify on an organizational level. As attached to this faith as I am, I still have other issues. It is difficult for me, as I cannot embrace another faith for many complex reasons. At the same time, I do believe God is too big for just one faith.

I joined the Church for many reasons. One, I was drawn to Christianity in general (my family being a mix of mostly Catholics and Protestants, with some Jews and Mormons). It was familiar to me, the teachings of Jesus resonated with me, and I knew I could never be anything else. Catholicism became clear to me as the oldest Christian church, one that has held faithful through generations and preserved something timeless. In addition, I also was educated in a Catholic environment and elements of Catholic doctrine and practice (Eucharistic adoration, Mass, the Sacraments, the prayers, role of Mary and the saints) appealed to me in ways elements of Protestant practice could not. Cultural elements existed for me, as I have always sought identity with my Italian roots. Finally, Catholic social teaching: consistent life ethics, poverty eradication, and life's dignity echoed back what I had believed about the Gospel.

After seven years, I can find no separation possible. Missing Mass, whether intentionally or not, leaves me missing something. Praying the Rosary fills me with peace and clarity. I find service mandatory and am committed to making my world a better place and myself a better person. One of the first things people learn about me is about my faith. This is before my education, job, age, family or even my love of food.

At the same time, I have my issues with the institutional Church. I believe in leadership, I do not believe the Bible alone suffices in deriving God's will and authority. However, I find myself questioning why God would enlighten someone more, simply because they were chosen by an established hierarchy. If God is above gender and made man and woman in His image, why is it so heretical to also refer to God as Her? Or for a woman to consecrate the Blessed Sacrament? While Jesus was fully human, why would a physical sex determine the worthiness for generations of women?

If sin is between man and God and a priest is bound by the seal of Confession to never tell, why does the Church derive power to excommunicate someone? If we can condemn sin without condemning the person, what use is this power to us? Further, if God is all powerful, why would we impose something only man could lift?

These are only a few of the many questions I have. Yes, I have prayed, yes, I've read the Catechism, Theology of the Body and a variety of texts. I have no easy answers. As much as I believe God resides with all who seek them, seeking another faith is difficult when your identity rests in one.

Trying to figure this out............

Cool Down Sonny..........It's Strictly Business

I've been finding lately that I have an inner Sonny. If you haven't seen The Godfather, Sonny is the hot-headed eldest brother who gets himself killed by acting on impulse. While I haven't lectured my younger siblings on how to knock someone off or thrown a guy in a trashcan for mistreating my sister (though I probably would do the latter), I do take things personally. After reading my last post and looking back over my life, I've realized this. I take things personally, particularly when no one intended any slight, and I react as if someone were invading my country. Not only is this unhealthy and revealing a significant lack of people skills, it could put me in danger.

I cannot control how other people treat me. Some people are ruthless, deceiving, cunning, lecherous, wrathful (cough:yours truly:cough), unforgiving, or overly controlling. I have as much power to change their hearts as I do to move mountains with a tooth brush. I can, however, control how I react. I do have the power to bring something positive, enlightening or peaceful to the table. None of this will come if I refuse to control my fire.

If you take things too personally, you will never be able to build truly healthy relationships. People will just anticipate your reaction like one does a ticking time bomb. They will never be able to make jokes, call you on serious issues, or show you affection. In the workplace, people will either purposefully piss you off (if they dislike you and want you gone) or will never trust you with anything because you can't keep a cool head. If you're ever in true danger, few people will come to your aid because you'll interpret every slight as a sign of impending doom. Finally, you'll never be able to enjoy life because you'll keep misinterpreting everything.

After realizing this, it made the streets more approachable for me. I no longer feel intense anger at people who really otherwise have nothing to do. I feel more in control of myself and my temper. I feel alert, yet relaxed. I feel I can also enjoy people more.

It's a start. After nearly twenty-one years, it's about time I changed some things.

Cultural Sensitivity? Or Putting Yourself in Danger?

Whenever someone catcalls me, I find it annoying. But when someone gropes me, I don't take it lying down. My parents taught me from a young age that, while violence for its own sake was wrong, it's never wrong to defend yourself. In addition, throughout my upbringing, people put emphasis on self defense, carrying my keys in my hands, ready to strike, all they believed a young woman should know. Girls especially needed to know how to defend themselves.

So, how come, when I go to a foreign country (specifically Kenya), people start acting as if none of that mattered? As if YOU'RE at fault for being "culturally insensitive", should you dare to fight back? As if these guys are so conditioned by their culture, they just can't help themselves? I mean, isn't that another way of saying these guys are incapable of respect?

Here's the thing. If a guy dares to grope me, I don't know if he's going to stop at that. Men have tried to grab me, tried to pull me into cars and matatus, all manner of things, in public. In broad daylight. How do I know if he's going to stop at that one feel? He dared to touch something he KNOWS he shouldn't have. Who am I to risk my personal safety? Thus, I will push the guy away, maybe punch him in the arm to show I'm not going down without a fight, and yell and cuss as loud as possible. I don't do it to hurt him as much as to call attention, as to show that this WILL NOT be tolerated. If I had to get even more physical, I would. It's not that I look for trouble, it's more that I won't accept my own violation. Not from an American, not from a Kenyan. I like to believe human beings are capable of both respect and restraint.

Sadly, not very many here seem to share this attitude. All I hear are how I'm too rude, too confrontational and too insensitive. But what? Should I accept it if a man tries to put me in a car, take me far away from a safe place and do God knows what with me? Should I accept it if a guy (or girl, women aren't intrinsically non-violent) anywhere assaults me and gives me a disease I have to live with for the rest of my life? Should I accept it if someone tries to kill me and no one knows what happened to me?

I'm sorry, but I find myself surrounded by little girls who look up to me, no matter where I go. While I don't want them becoming bullies, I do want them to realize that they are not objects. They are people and they should NEVER accept it if someone tries to hurt them or otherwise cause harm. Same goes for the younger boys. If people would just learn to not act like animals, we would not be forced to react as such in the name of survival.

My Biblical Romance

Seal me to your skin
Like an artist's ink
Seal me to yourself
Unbreakable link

Our love is immortal,
Fiercer than the grave,
A fire unquenchable
In the hearts of the brave

Your waters, Love,
Overtake without kill
Your floods do not drown
Rather, they thrill

I'd give all for you,
Even my life,
To be at your side
Through toil and strife

For the fire shall burn
The flames never cease
Rather their warmth
Shall fill me with peace

St. Maria Goretti

*This may contain triggers for sexual assault survivors*

As a teenager coming into the faith, St. Maria Goretti was one of the first saints I heard about. I randomly caught a documentary about her on EWTN (for those who don't know, Eternal Word Television Network, aka Catholic TV). She was born a poor farm tenant's daughter in 1890 in Corinaldo, a town in central Italy. She grew up a devout Catholic girl and was known for her kindness and generosity. When she was not even twelve years old, a neighbor began harassing her until one day, he took her and attempted to rape her. She resisted him physically and, as a result, he stabbed her fourteen times. She died in the hospital, forgiving the man on her death bed. He later repented (after years in prison) and she was canonized a saint by the Catholic Church. She was canonized for "defending her purity".

I have a bit of a problem with that last bit.

I don't have a problem with St. Maria being a saint. I think such forgiveness, at any age, is something to be commended very highly. I also find that she showed courage in the face of huge adversity and worked hard to show a generous and loving soul, no matter what she faced. I believe it is important for young people to learn how to say no, to defend themselves in the face of attack, and, at the same time, to forgive the acts committed against them. However, I do have a problem with the Church using her as a defender of chastity.

You see, when the Church holds her up as a model of chastity (when she's barely even pubescent), it implies that Maria somehow wanted what was done. It implies that she was fighting, not a man trying to attack her, but her own sexual desires. It implies that she was somehow "asking for it." It implies that this violent act, had she submitted, would be "her fault."

It bothers me even more because she was still a child. She was not even twelve years old, may or may not have started her periods, may have just started liking boys, and she's considered a defender of purity? Even if it was his purity she was fighting for (and she did protest the act for the sake of his soul), why would that be her responsibility? As he was the adult in this picture, why shouldn't he be considered the defender of his own purity?

Further, are women who do submit (whether to save their lives or because they simply want it to end) somehow responsible for these crimes? Are children who choose not to fight an abusive adult somehow sinning? Are people who survive an ordeal such as this somehow "less" because they "allowed" someone to sin with them? What kind of message are we sending our Catholic youth, especially the young women?

I believe we should continue to hold Maria as a saint and role model. She is a model of forgiveness, of her willingness to stand for herself and could be considered as someone who stands with those who do suffer from these atrocities. However, to hold her as a model of chastity is inappropriate, as the acts were done without her consent. St. Maria was a child who was brutally killed by an adult who should have known better. This was not a turmoil of inner demons and sexual self-control. This was an act of violence that she had little control over.

I don't believe fighting against a rapist merits a "defense of purity" recognition. It would be the same as if a murder victim was recognized for "defending life" because they fought their killer. Does that mean those who do die are somehow participating in the sin of murder? Absolutely not. Why would we imply the same for those who suffered sexual violence?

Catholic Books for Teens-Disturbing.....

I converted to Catholicism as a teenager. I came into faith precisely at a time most of my friends were starting to fall away, so I was desperate for role models. I found websites such as Pure Love Club, Life Teen, Revolution of Love, and Catholic Answers. For most teen issues, they provided information mainly on the Church's teachings on sexuality, birth control, and abortion. A review of Catholic Answer's available books for teens will show multiple books covering Theology of the Body or Jason Evert's chastity publications. Looking back at this, I am a bit disturbed.

I'm not against the idea of teaching teens about the proper use of sexuality, according to our faith. I understand how crucial it is, especially as young people are just coming into their own sexuality and desperate to figure things out. However, I find myself disturbed by one aspect: sexuality is the main focus in the Church's attempt to reach young people.

Don't believe me? At Catholic Answers' online store, for example, the options for young people are here. Aside from basic guides to the ABC's of our faith, I spot seven tracts on chastity and three books dealing with Theology of the Body. Other than that, I see one book on Catholic faith in college, others on basic discipleship and the rest being geared toward little kids. In addition, an advertisement for a book on Maria Goretti talks about how she "chose to die rather than be violated by a neighbor" and how it can help young people grow in chastity.

Why is this a problem? As I mentioned, there is the assumption that youth issues are mainly sexual ones. There are no books on the Christian way to handle peer pressure, on teachings of alcohol and drug abuse, none on the Christian way to handle parental disagreements, on expressing individuality within a Christian context (ex. "Are tattoos OK?" "Is coloring your hair purple OK?" People do think Christians have to dress a certain way and many young Catholics can get confused. Answer to both? Yes, you can). Nothing on how to manage your money (including tithing/giving to charity, supporting companies with values of justice, consumerism, and debt). Nothing about going to parties or the pressure to fit in. Nothing even on music, on Christian rock stars, punk artists, etc. For college aged students, you would think you could find books on how to handle those situations in a Christian context. Nope. Nada. You would also think there would be resources for teens on how to discover their talents and use them to serve God's glory (and how to stand against an opposing parent who may have good intentions but isn't going with their best interests....including on how to financially support themselves as soon as they were old enough, if it meant following their desires and integrity). Nope. Zilch. Anything on how to handle bullying? Haha, you must be joking!! How to handle abusive situations? Yeah, right! How to form true friendships with people who respect you? As the wise guys would say, "Fogettaboutit!!!!!!"

There also are few resources for Catholic teens and college-aged students who want to take action in various causes. On the websites I've found, abortion and contraception use were the big issues. Taking action meant praying or protesting abortion clinics (a practice I've found to be morally repugnant, even as I identify as pro-life), volunteering at crisis pregnancy centers, teaching abstinence to high school kids, but very little on other issues such as homelessness, teen prostitution, environmental stewardship, ending the death penalty or hunger (global and local). While our Church teaches that these are important issues, I've seen little to no marketing to young people on how to get involved and organize. Even as we've had a tradition of activism domestically and internationally (with figures such as Dorothy Day, Oscar Romero, Dorothy Stang, etc), there has been little incentive to get young people involved.

What are my findings? We've reduced teens to "one thing" even as we try to tell them they're worth more than that "one thing". We've told them that their goodness wrests, not with how just they are in other areas, but with how well they can keep it in their pants. We've neglected to address other areas of their lives because we've decided which teachings are most important. I find this problematic. I think it's about time we started addressing other issues.