I Am Young, Married, Feminist..........And Not Sorry

Not sorry :)

Apparently, this piece by Amy Glass, entitled "I Look Down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry", has been flying all over the Internet yesterday. The premise of Ms. Glass's article is made clear by her title. She does not believe feminism should value women's choices equally and wants to make it clear that doing your family's laundry is nowhere near as "important" as pursuing a STEM career. Also, literally "anyone" can get knocked up or get married, according to her. Well, as a feminist who chose to marry young and pursue her dreams, I feel sorry for her.  I feel sorry that, instead of using her philosophy to help change the world and make it better, she chooses to hold onto what little crumbs of power she has and that she feels she can't make choices that would make her happy instead.

I understand the frustrations that come with being a woman with career aspirations. The constant questions of "don't you want a family?" (while your male peers never have to worry), the contradictions from society expecting you to be educated and working, yet still desiring of male companionship (even if you don't desire men), the need to still worry about your looks because, despite our education, it's clearly about shoes and makeup for us. It's terrible. But, here's what else is terrible: the fact that our society expects us to view work as our primary God-to which we sacrifice our friendships, relationships, dreams, and even our health, both physical and mental. The fact that the people who work in professions that contribute the most to society will never see a decent paycheck, much less secure employment or bonuses. The fact that people who can't work are seen as useless even if they contribute much more to their relationships and communities. The fact that, because care taking is viewed as "women's work," it will never be valued, even though it's what enabled our species to stay alive.  The fact that Ms. Glass feels her worth doesn't derive from her being, but rather from her doing and that she's not alone. Those are all much greater problems in our society-not whether women choose to stay home and do laundry (and, even then, many women feel they don't have a choice if they have kids-how much does daycare cost, again?).

As for whether getting married or pregnant is "so easy"-just because something is the dominant path does not mean it's necessarily the easy path. There are many people in this country who are legally barred from marrying the person they love (and, even if not, face quite a few social consequences from choosing to be with them). There are folks who struggle with infertility and face the possibility of never having kids, even if they want them. Even without those barriers, there are those of us who struggled to make our choices. I've been privileged enough to where legal marriage and the choice to have kids have not really impacted me in such significant ways-but my own journey toward marriage was hardly easy, nor did I make it nearly as flippantly as she suggests. For what it's worth, there are plenty of immature folks in their thirties and forties who get married or pregnant at the drop of a hat and don't care about the real significance of their choices, while there are plenty of young people who think deliberately about their family choices.

Ms. Glass's "feminism" does little more than encourage a utilitarian society to further devalue human life and strengthen a system which has decided it has little use for anyone but the dominant group.  If she is serious about making changes, putting a little more thought into her views, particularly before she poses them to the public, is strongly recommended. Otherwise, she's more like the enemy she claims to fight against.

What'ya gonna do when life comes for you?

Excuse me for the Cops reference. All I can say is that life is coming and it's coming quick. I will be turning 22 this year, graduating college and trying to figure out at least the next couple of years. It is hard to believe that I am graduating. It feels like yesterday my parents had dropped me off at AU at the start of my freshman year. In that time, I have changed my major, held down two jobs, acquired a minor, lobbied Congress, written music, gone out with a few guys (ooh la la), studied three languages formally, went back to my roots, went to six countries, and done a bunch of other crazy things. Now, everyone wants to know, what's next, Katie?

Because I can't keep secrets if they're about me, most people know that I'm applying to Americorps and Peace Corps. The Americorps program I want would be for this coming year and Peace Corps wouldn't happen until next year. I am also keeping other options, such as a year with Tostan, an African organization I really like (the only issues are that I would have to pay for it and I need to speak a high level of French. Also, Americorps and Peace Corps have loan deferment). I would like to give a couple years of service and my passions involve development, business, youth and music. Not that they'll all be married all at once, but I've got the time to explore. At some point, I'd like to go to Italy for awhile, study Italian and music, and just explore my roots a bit further. I figured I might as well do all the crazy gigs now, go after the wildest dreams I have (provided I have the means to do so), before I commit to what people call a "real" job. Let's face it, no employer wants to hear, "I'm going to Senegal for a year, is that OK?"

I have come to realize that there is no reason I cannot do these things. The ability to travel, to give service, to be changed, to learn, to grow, those are all adventures. If I am able to make it work and take care of obligations, such as student loans, then I'm going for it. I'm only young once and I've always been unconventional. I refuse to live with regrets. When I get into a career, a family, grad school, I am IN. I just want to take care of some things first.

As Bon Jovi would say, "It's my life!" We only come around once. I want to say I went after it for all it was worth.

The dreaded six-letter word

Beauty. This word conveys so much good and yet so much controversy. Ladies, let's admit it. Most of us think we're ugly on some level. Too fat, too skinny, too dark, too pale, too dry, too oily, and don't even get me started on the hair. To make things even worse, society bombards us with images of women with skin so flawless, they have no pores and thighs thinner than my pinky yet stronger than a horse. We deal with pressure from friends, from family, from lovers, from spouses, all who say, "You would look so much prettier if you would (insert drastic, soul sucking change here)" or, "Boys would like you so much more if you would (insert torture worse than Dante's Inferno here)." Even compliments such as, "You look nice," can seem loaded, like, "you're not a stunner or anything but you look OK." Trust me, if anyone has struggled with any of the above, it has been (and still is) me. However, I think I may have found an antidote.

One, we need to take care of ourselves. There is no need for a fad diet (they don't work) but we should try and eat healthy. Sometimes, we don't have time to cook and we may not have the funds or access to organic goodies, but eating a balanced diet is so crucial to a healthy body, as well as glowing skin and gorgeous hair. Drink lots of water. Exercise according to your ability and your interest (you don't have to be lifting all the time, but swimming, walking, dance class, kickboxing class, Pilates DVD, all of that counts). Exercise gives shape and tone and also is good for preserving health and keeping us young. Of course, hygiene goes without saying and it's good to at least keep our hair trimmed every couple of months. Basic steps like these go a long way.

Two, we need to figure out what style works for us. Some women rock long hair, others short. Some like it straight, others curly. Some want crazy colors, others are more neutral. As long as it's healthy and you feel good, who cares (sometimes, even employers don't!)? Same goes for makeup (hell, if you don't like makeup, don't wear it!). As for clothes, as long as they're seasonably appropriate (meaning, you're not wearing short shorts in a blizzard), clean, and suit you (your style, your shape, your culture if applicable, etc), it doesn't matter! OK, it does, but you can still find appropriate clothing for various occasions that reflects who you are! Find what you like and rock it.

Third, all of the above means nothing if we don't try to develop inner beauty. There is a quiet confidence present in the sexiest of ladies. A woman may not be conventionally attractive yet can stun an entire room with her smile, her laugh, and her impeccable inner strength. There are a couple secrets to achieving this. One, we must develop our skills and talents, knowing we have something valuable to contribute to the world (and acting accordingly). Two, we must be humble and gracious to all those we meet. Now, humility isn't about beating ourselves up. To be humble means to not act either less or more than you are (trust me, still working on it). It means controlling impulses and only acting defensively if there is something worthy to defend (such as our lives or that of someone else's, also principles). Three, we must love other people. While many of us dream of romance, we sometimes forget the love of our family and our friends. In addition, we forget that each person we meet is just another person and should be treated with respect (which comes out of love. Not "warm and fuzzy love" but a desire for good for other people).

Finally ladies, we must love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, there is no point in trying to improve ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, we can't love other people. For the Catholic/other Christian ladies reading this, Jesus even said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Well, if you can't love yourself, you're going to do a shitty job of loving your neighbor!!! My religion teaches that we were made in the image and likeness of a benevolent deity. By nature, we ARE beautiful. Let's start believing it!

Can (Predominantly Straight) Men and Women Be Friends?

I may wonder why I am asking this question. I myself have many male friends. Throughout adolescence and young adulthood, I found I got along easier with boys. They didn't bring their drama into things and we talked about interesting topics such as politics, war and the merits of both Star Wars and Monty Python. Two of my best friends in the world are guys (and they sure like to give me hell..........be careful, I know a female relative in each of your families :D). At the same time, as I've gotten older, I've found myself reaching for my female friends a bit more. While I certainly want my "bros" to stay in my life, I have noticed friendship dynamics changing. As we find ourselves settling into adulthood (including long term relationships and marriage), we also find ourselves adding some consideration for decorum. While I do believe men and women can be friends, I also think that these friendships tend to have more boundaries than same-sex friendships do (assuming, of course, that all parties are straight).

First, there are things I talk about with my girlfriends that I just won't talk about with the boys. These issues range from, "Does this look OK?" to, "I'm on my period, I'm bloated and this SUCKS!!!" Fashion and biology aside, I find I want a female confidante, someone with whom I can just chill and talk about all sorts of things. While some of my male friends are sensitive and compassionate (and I do feel comfortable talking about things with some of them), they can't really play this role. You can't really have a slumber party with your straight male best friend, it looks and sounds completely inappropriate, even if all you were doing was chatting, watching a movie and eating popcorn. I also wouldn't find it appropriate to constantly confide in one guy when you're dating someone else. Sure, you can be close friends, go out for coffee, keep in touch, but there are just lines you can't cross. For me, I feel more comfortable having the "no-holds-barred" conversations with the girls.

Second, sometimes lines get blurry before you even realize it. It's great if it turns into a loving, romantic relationship that ends in marriage. It's not so great when you've been buddies forever and, all of a sudden, you have feelings and he doesn't. Or vice versa. That can make a friendship turn awkward. Of course, then it turns into, "I want to keep our friendship going," but this can prevent people from moving on because there's always that hope. Sometimes, everything turns out fine, especially if there are periods when you don't constantly have contact. It's harder when you see/talk to them every day. Also, sometimes it does turn into a romantic relationship only to end in a really bad breakup and consequent end to the friendship (though, given time, there is the possibility of patching things up).

I think it's good to have friends of the opposite sex. I think these friendships give us perceptions and insights that neither romantic nor same sex friendships can provide. Like I said, I love my boys! However, it is good to be prudent. You don't have to observe every gendered expectation out there (and I would tell you to challenge them). Hell, if none of this post works for you, don't follow it! Just always make sure you consider your own values, your own boundaries (of course, this should go for any friendship). For me, I've had some personal experience with these, which is why I'm writing this post. Good day, everyone!

Loneliness

I'm a very social person. People have described me as talkative, friendly, gregarious, extroverted, warm, and open. I always feel the need to connect with people and I love long conversations. While I appreciate my alone time (especially after busy nights of work or when I'm sick), I typically do not fare well under it. However, at the end of this school year, I've found myself spending my days off with little company. As a server who works most weekends, I find it difficult to find friends free at the same time that I am. It was then that I decided to experiment with loneliness.

What I've found is that I can use this time, time that I have not had in my recent past, to grow into myself. In the past two days (both days off), I have learned new guitar tricks, written for pleasure, read multiple books, practiced my singing, lifted weights, tried new recipes, and most importantly, taken time to reconnect with my faith and go to Confession (hey, I needed it!). I've found that my quiet time has helped to regenerate my soul and led me to develop hobbies and interests. I've also found that, when I have run into friends and met new people, I appreciate encounters more. I've learned to value what other people have to say, rather than just waiting for my turn to talk.

When school is in session, other factors split my attention and consume my life. I pay my own rent, so I'm constantly working, in addition to taking a full course load (and working as hard as I can on my schoolwork). I also tend to take leadership positions and fill my time with extracurriculars and social events, anything to build my resume and increase my networks. In addition, I find a need to see my friends as much as possible and keep maintaining relationships. The little quiet time I get is usually the hour I spend at Mass, if that. As I'm constantly with people, I feel the need to talk all the time. I tend to speak more impulsively and I find silence impossible to deal with, as I feel either too lazy or too lonely. With the stress I experience during school, I am very surprised my health (emotional or physical) has endured as much as it has.

I'm finding that I'm learning to deal with myself in healthier ways. I'm more aware of my flaws but I don't feel they are as insurmountable (as my need for perfectionism has lowered significantly). I feel more motivated to work on them and to become a better person. I feel a stronger drive to create, to leave something of value. I don't feel the need to fill every space with words or to retreat away from the world as much. I feel refreshed, stronger, and more ready for challenges. I can appreciate my time with people more.

Most importantly, I'm learning that I have to rely on my own inner strength, the strength only God gives, when challenges arise. I need that strength to humble myself when I need help and to give to others, when they need help. However, developing that strength is an inner process, one that needs to happen when I'm one on one with God. For if I can learn to be strong when it's only me, I can be strong when I'm against an adversary. As a result, I'm much more confident, peaceful and self-assured.

I guess I'm not so lonely after all :)

Katie's Stand....

Today, someone raised my temper.......That is, until I realized that the person who did it holds very little power over me. I realized that there will always be people like that, thorns in your side that get under your skin. That is, until you realize you hold the strength to pull them out, even if the pruning is quite painful. While the pain is intense, it doesn't last that long in the grand scheme of your life.

I don't need anyone dictating my life, telling me how to be or whether my reasons for action were legitimate. Time will tell the tale and I will reap the consequences of my actions. While yes, there will always be rules I need to follow, whether through work, school, church, or other aspects of my life, no one can form my soul to their measure. No one can mold me to a cookie cutter shape, will me to bend in their direction or take the pieces they like while discarding the ones they don't.

I am me. I am many things. I am a student, a worker, an activist, a musician, a writer, a blogger, a daughter, a sister, a friend. I identify as American by nationality, Italian-American by ethnicity and culture and Roman Catholic by faith, but these cannot begin to capture my essence, who I am as a person. I'm passionate about pro-life but also the environment and I take strong stands against poverty. I don't like to identify myself with my looks, for I understand that they will change, with age, with style, and with other factors. I'm sensitive, fiery, sometimes sarcastic, sometimes brusque, but always striving to know, to learn, and to love, despite my many imperfections. I love learning languages. I'm deeply spiritual, not just religious. I drink a lot of tea and coffee. I'm obsessed with the French and the Florentines but am bound for Africa. I'm a city girl and NYC and DC are my two loves. I'm loud. And I've just realized that I no longer care what others may say or think about me.

This is who I am. I'm sick of people's efforts to change me, to make me something different. I'm not who you want me to be. I'm trying to be who I want to be, who God wants me to be, as He made me. I cannot do both, just like I cannot have two masters. If the former was my master, I'd die a cruel death. Thus, I make this as my stand.

"A King may move a man. But the soul belongs to a man." Kingdom of Heaven.

Dating.....

A Muslim friend and follower of mine posted an amazing and humorous article of the problems and awkwardness associated with teen dating (find here). In addition, the author speaks of the benefits of following Muslim tradition with regard to marriage. She emphasizes the need for consent, community involvement, and familial support in choosing a life partner. While giving me a good laugh (the lady has a wonderful sense of humor), the article also made me think about my own views on dating and marriage. As a Catholic, I found myself agreeing with most of the article.

You see, my faith teaches that marriage is to be for life. When you get married in the Catholic Church, you are assenting to always practicing fidelity, to staying together till death, and to raising a family, as God sees fit to bless you (whether through birth, adoption or any other means). As a result, the Church is very strict on its marital teachings. Sex is meant for your spouse only, for bonding and the creation of children. Engaged couples must prepare for marriage extensively and take classes and counseling before a priest will consent to a wedding. While couples are free to choose their form of dating or courtship and there is no specific Church teaching regarding the subject of teen dating, many priests will emphasize the need for discernment and traditional Catholics tend to see dating as a means to an end, not merely a fun activity for young people.

Because I do agree with all of these, I find myself shying away from mainstream dating. Many people say it's a way of getting to know people and figuring out what you like. The thing is, I could do that just as easily while being friends with someone, without feelings getting in the way. At other points, I'm trying to find someone who shares my values. Unfortunately, sex has become an expectation and traditional values are often looked down upon. I also have my future to consider. I know I'm not ready to marry at this point in my life....I don't want to start considering it before I have some basic factors in order.

I am not judging anyone who chooses to date or follow mainstream society. However, I am proposing another model. I don't need to go to the movies with ten different guys to see who'd make the best husband and father. I also don't need to put myself at risk for things like pregnancy or STI's for the sake of being young. Instead, I'm preparing myself for an enduring, unconditional, lifelong journey. Until I find the one who will take it with me, I can at least start becoming the person I want to be, the person who is ready for any adventure. I find that type of love all the more thrilling.