The Quiet Time

My life is relatively quiet right now.  I go to work, keep a budget, attend Mass every Sunday, sing in a church choir, attend social events, exercise, train my voice and spend quality time with my future hubby.  It's lovely, in its own way.  It's nice to come home to one person, keep a regular schedule, to have time to contemplate and be creative, to actually finish a book and to sip a glass of wine slowly and carefully.  It's nice to have a regular community of both young folks and older folks coming into our lives.  It's nice to focus on fun but relatively mellow tasks such as planning my wedding. It's nice to have a job where I can focus on my long term career and also reap necessary benefits such as health insurance.  I have to say, I'm grateful for the quiet.

I haven't always been. I've gotten used to chaos.  In the past few years, I've managed to hold down a demanding job and live on my own while attending college, spend a quarter of a year in a foreign country, question my faith as well as my ethics and sexuality, deal with crazy housing and travel situations, visit a Native American boundary,  deal with underemployment, make close friends only to lose some of them and experience some trauma along the way.  Right on top of that, I found myself falling in love and deciding to commit to him for life.   The lows may have been low but the highs were like standing over a waterfall in Kenya-well worth every possible risk that may have led to the adventure itself. 

It's hard to get used to the quiet.  It's not easy to adjust to the ordinary.  I keep wondering when the next big thing is coming.  However, I am starting to appreciate what peace and quiet feel like.  I'm realizing I need this in order to prepare for whatever comes next.  I need this to grow strong and to develop myself.  I need this in order to become who I am more fully. 

Still, I can't wait to see what comes next.

Pray for Sandy Hook

Everything profound has already been said. I just ask for prayers and good wishes for this community.  I grew up very close to Newtown so it does hit quite close to home.  I can't imagine what it's like to be one of those children or one of the parents that has lost a child.  I only ask that people take a moment to remember. 

When bullying becomes dangerous

One of my childhood friends called me a few days ago. I was out, so I asked if I could call her back. She said yes. Later that night, when I got home, I checked my Facebook (as I usually do) and saw that she sent me a message. Her message included a link to news of a court case. From the first couple of lines, I knew it was about a dear friend of hers who committed suicide four years ago. Apparently, the boy was tormented by bullies to the extreme. While teachers had witnessed the event, my friend said that they would simply ask the bullies to calm down. The bullies were respected athletes and the teachers apparently cared more for their reputation than the boy's right to feel safe in a learning environment. Unfortunately, the judge declared that the school had no "special relationship" with the students and that they did not have responsibility in the death of this particular student. In response, my friend has written a petition to the U.S. Secretary of Education, stating a need to clarify teachers' roles in demanding accountability for bullies and making students feel safe. Here is the link to the petition as well as the link to the court case.

This all occurred in my friend's hometown, which unfortunately has a reputation for teen suicides. The reasons for these suicides involve excessive bullying. While I don't know all of the details for each individual student, it seems that there is an extreme lack of oversight into students' interactions. My friend is the daughter of a teacher (one who taught in that area) and is studying to become a teacher herself. Through her studies and her discussions with her mother, she has found that teachers must serve as "first responders" to crisis. While the teachers themselves may not have control of what students do at home, they do have the ability to intervene when a student faces intimidation or harassment. Through this, they have the ability to foster a respectful classroom community. As my friend witnessed, they did not. Due to teachers' authority and responsibility, it is natural that she finds this criminal.

I am asking all of you to please sign my friend's petition. In the U.S., it's obligatory to educate our children, usually by having them attend school 180 days of the year. As such, we expect that our children be safe and that our teachers diffuse any hint of a bad situation. More importantly, we are often taught that education is the great equalizer, the key to allowing others to follow their dreams. Those dreams are in vain if we are simply left with dead children.

Christians and Tattoos: Compatible?

For years, I've been playing with the idea of a tattoo. For awhile, I had settled on a red fleur-de-lys, a symbol of both Scotland and Florence (two parts of my ancestry). However, due to the fact that they are both different, I changed my mind and decided on a thistle and a sunflower intertwined. Though I am composed of the blood of about five to six nations, I identify heavily with both my Italian and Scottish ancestry just because they seem to sum up my personality. Fiery, passionate, fierce, hungry for adventure, willing to eat many interesting things (haggis and rabbit, anyone?), lovely music (including bagpipes in BOTH nations), and an appreciation for sexy accents, as well as a healthy dose of stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, it's no wonder that I identify with it and would like to honor my ancestors with some ink in my skin. Of course, Catholic girl that I am, I often hear from Christians who wonder if tattoos are acceptable. Should a good Christian girl participate? Let's see.

Critics draw from a verse in the Old Testament that states, "Do not put tattoo marks on yourself...I am the LORD" (Leviticus 19:28 paraphrase). However, while it's easy to take this as a command from God, Leviticus commands many things, such as not to eat pork, not to wear two different fabrics, not to raise two crops on one area and that women were unclean during menstruation. Most Christians today would not bar a menstruating woman from participation during worship, think twice before putting on that cotton-polyester blend shirt, or eschew bacon and some of us environmentalists find that polyculture is much better for the environment.

How did we come to turn our backs on these rules? While Jesus and the apostles were observant Jews, they also expected His message of justice, mercy, and peace to spread to all peoples. Jesus kept the Law in His life but also made statements about how people's actions made them clean or unclean, not necessarily their food choice or their customs. St. Paul took this further by stating that works of the Law do not save people because, if they did, Jesus would not have had to die on a cross for humanity. Thus, it was not necessary for converts to Christianity to essentially become Jewish as well (probably a good thing for adult male converts ;-)). While we honor the place the Law had in our history, we also understand that it was meant for a time when cultural cohesion was literally a life or death situation. Christianity, however, was meant to be universal while the Law was meant for one people.

As a Catholic, this means I can get a tattoo provided that it does not send an anti-Christian message, it doesn't involve poor stewardship of my resources (such as my bank account) and, if I were a minor child, did not involve disobeying my parents. At the same time, I think having tattoos can be positive for a Christian. It shows that Christians are comprised of different peoples, from different backgrounds, cultures, points of view and styles. I can have a tattoo and be a good Christian, just like I can drink responsibly, date, live on my own, hold a politically progressive stance, go to a secular college, play rock music and wear jeans and still be a good Christian. Christianity is not a question of how I look. It's a question of how I live. As long as I work to uphold my principles, I don't think God really cares about the ink in my skin.

Plus, I'm honoring ancestries that produced some of the best in Christian theology, both Catholic and Protestant! So, it can only be a Christian tattoo :)

HUNGER for Righteousness

I've been fasting. It's hard. It's hard to ignore that growl in my stomach, that intense craving for delicious food. It's hard to ignore my heightened sense of smell for all things delicious. It's hard to ignore the pain in my head that tells me this isn't right. It's hard to not pray for the sun to sleep so I can fulfill my craving.

It's funny because, in the New Testament, Jesus says, "Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for righteousness." Reading that on a normal day, I can appreciate the sentiments on a more shallow level. Now, though, I feel I can understand it a bit more.

"Blessed are those who HUNGER and thirst for righteousness." Hunger is painful! Yet righteousness and justice are sorely lacking on this planet. Everywhere in the world, people are starving, thirsting, for physical food and water while a small percentage makes millions off of their sweat. Everywhere in the world, fertile land is made barren by others' greed and we lose not only the Earth's beauty but its ability to feed the planet. Everywhere in the world, people put each other on the same level as the commodities they purchase. Yet, where is this intense hunger for change?

Our hunger for righteousness should be hard to ignore, like the growling in our stomachs. Our hunger for righteousness should be a warning sign that something isn't right, like a hunger headache. Our hunger for righteousness should give us a heightened sense of smell for injustice, like the heightened sense of smell for food. More importantly, our hunger for righteousness should give us a longing to make the world a better place.

Once you feel the pains of hunger, you have no choice but to act upon it. Let our hunger for justice be strong so that our work can make us full!

Fasting

For Lent, three of us girls plus my boyfriend all decided to try something. We decided to take the idea of fasting for Ramadan and apply it to Lent (one of my girl friends was raised by both a Catholic mother and Muslim father). We decided to wait till after the break (wanting to enjoy meals with families) so today is day one. I had done a Catholic fast for Ash Wednesday (one full meal, two lesser meals, plus water) and abstained from meat on Friday but I wanted to see what it would be like to go without food for thirteen hours. So, with a couple modifications (no fasting on Sundays, as they're feast days for Catholics, and no forgoing water, as I have had health issues), I started.

It doesn't feel too hard for the first couple of hours. I start feeling a bit hungry, but it's easy to ignore. I feel a bit slower but in a good way. I feel I can take moments at a leisurely pace and I feel peaceful, spiritual. I realize that I don't need to constantly be snacking on something. I tend to eat a lot, many times out of sheer boredom, the need to have something in my hands, or because there's a lot of food and I don't want to waste it. At the same time, I feel this inability to master my appetite. Part of it comes from always being told I was too skinny and feeling the need to prove that I'm not an anorexic (that stuff stays with you when you're a little kid). Another part is I just love food. So this kind of freedom has proven I can master my desires.

After awhile, it hurts. It's hard to concentrate. My stomach gnaws at me. Everything feels tedious and time feels like it takes forever. I want nothing more than for the sun to go down right now. I said a rosary and it felt boring to me. It bugs me that I have to wait about three hours from now before I can break fast. On top of it, I really have to focus on homework. At the same time, I don't want people to see grouchy, hungry Katie. I want them to see a happy Katie, one who genuinely is trying to become a better person.

That's when I realized that this is the point. The whole point of fasting is that it's painful and challenging. The challenge is, are you going to master your hunger? Or, will you let it master you instead? Will you give in to the temptation to snack? Or will you hold out just a bit longer, saying a prayer for strength and focusing your mind on other things?

People may think I'm crazy for doing something that seems so extreme, even in the eyes of other devout, practicing Catholics I know. On the other hand, is it really that crazy? We live in a society where people are slaves to their desires. People overeat, drink too much, have promiscuous sex, consume houses, cars, shoes and other things they can't even afford, and they forget about other people. We don't even know whether the people who make our products earn a living wage, the people we sleep with are looking for something deeper, or whether the food we eat is even beneficial to our bodies. And the thing is, we don't even care. It's all about us.

To me, it's especially poignant because my career goals all have to do with ending poverty and fighting for human rights. How can I fight for justice and work to end those things that enslave others when I can't even free myself? How can I work for change in this world when I can't even change myself.

Fasting does not automatically make you a better person. Rather, it's the attitude that brings it out. If you can beat the obstacles of fasting, you can fight other urges that are much more destructive. If you can take it as a time to slow down and clear your mind of all that isn't necessary at that moment, you will be able to think clearly when it counts, when you are already nourished. If you can take it as a time to be grateful for food, especially when so many of the world go hungry, you'll be more sympathetic to the plight of those who have little.

Fasting is not fun. It's not sexy. It's not that glorious. Yet I find it to be a necessary ingredient to our humanity. Even if you cannot fast from food, you can fast from something else (Facebook, chocolate, sex, etc). It's hard to resist temptations. At the same time, becoming masters of those temptations is how we become better people.

What would it look like if everyone fasted for one day? What would it look like if we not only fasted from material things, but also fasted from our negative actions? What would humanity look like if we did that?

Ash Wednesday

Today marks the beginning of Lent, of 40 days of fasting, prayer and almsgiving, to remind us of the 40 days Jesus spent in the desert, resisting temptation. The conclusion of Lent will come with Palm Sunday and the beginning of Holy Week, when we remember Jesus' Last Supper, death, and Resurrection. Today, however, you will see many Christians, both Catholic and Protestant, receiving ashes. There is a bit of irony in this. You see, we receive ashes to show that we have sinned, to remind us of our fallen state, and to encourage us to grow in faith. Yet even non-practicing Christians will show up in droves to church to get their ashes. Of course, I am not supposed to judge but it does puzzle me a bit. It's almost a mark of pride when it should be a mark of humility.

For Catholics, we are required to fast, allowing only for one full meal with maybe two small snacks if anything else. Other than that, we are only allowed water and the meal we do have cannot have meat in it (fish is OK). Of course, there are exceptions, like you are only required if you are between 18 and 59 and in good health. Pregnant and nursing women are exempt. In our faith, which is huge on solidarity, the idea is to pray for those who are hungry and to take the money you would have spent on your own food to pay for a hungry person's meal.

For me, fasting is a difficult exercise. Blessed with a high metabolism and Italian relatives and neighbors who always tell me I'm too skinny and need to eat more, I go crazy when I can't even have a snack. To top it off, I've always ended up working on Ash Wednesday and working at restaurant does surround one with temptation. However, after living in Kenya and working with energetic children (many of whom only had one full meal and a meager breakfast, usually only because their school provided it), I find a need to connect with my brothers and sisters who don't have enough. For me, it's not only a spiritual purification (one that encourages me to smile through the pain and offer my hunger to God, to help me avoid sin), it's an exercise in solidarity as well as self-control.

We are a society that believes in instant gratification and justifies selfishness. What would it look like if we took a day to deny ourselves? And, in that act of denying ourselves, chose to smile through it and reach out to other people? What would it look like if the entire world did it? After all, doesn't it start with us on some level?

One of my friends in Kenya goes hungry. Every day, she struggles on a dollar a day to take care of two children (one hers and the other, an adopted nephew) after leaving an abusive husband. Despite this, she also took me in one night when it was too late to go home safely. She always fed me an abundance of food each time I went to her house. Though I have not her contact information, I still carry her kindness. Is it too much to ask me to go without for one day and give what I would have had to someone who goes without for life? And is it too much to ask me to not complain but to give with a smile?

Peace be with you all, of all faiths. And strength to those who fast today!

"What WILL you do?"

I found this blog post and thought it was brilliant. This post tells you how to answer the question, "What do you do?" As a graduating college senior, people often ask me, "What WILL you do?" Of course, my mother implied that it may not be very nice to answer with, "How the hell do I know?" so I've been inspired to modify it a little bit. You see, I am graduating with a liberal arts degree (International Studies with a minor in Economics) in a bad economy. I mentioned in a previous post that I may be living off of volunteer stipends for awhile. However, I'm only 21 and realize that people are just curious and don't necessarily expect me to have everything planned till retirement. Here's what the long version looks like.

One: I really want to go back to Africa. I know it may be awhile before I see Kenya again but the classes I took over there and the things I experienced made me curious about the rest of the continent. Africa is much more diverse than our American education gives it credit for. The cultures, the people, the imperialist influences, the music, it's all different. I wouldn't mind doing work in West Africa (of course, this may result in me asking for French lessons for my birthday). Options I have on the table: Tostan, Peace Corps and any Africa organization that I can find. Of course, this would not happen till 2012, due to application processes and, if applicable, the need to raise funds (as well as to perfect any French skills I gain).

Two: I want to do something with youth. I am applying for City Year, a program with Americorps. This would allow me to tutor children and young people as well as to work with youth groups and plan projects. This would be for the coming August up until next June. Of course, I need to hear back from them before I can make any Africa/abroad plans because my departure date depends on my acceptance or rejection from this program. If I do get in, yay. If not, I will look for other opportunities to work with young people during the year I remain in the U.S. Tutoring, volunteering with an organization that works with trafficked girls, and some others come to mind.

Three: I would like to find a way to include music in all of this. I used to do music quite a bit in high school and in college, it stayed dormant. That was, until I realized I could take voice and guitar lessons as part of my credit hours. Then, upon bringing my guitar to Kenya, I realized how much of a role music plays in culture, in livelihoods (for some people), in giving others a voice and how much it brings people together. It factored into many of my encounters with people, my research, and my dealing with culture shock. I don't know how, but I'd like to find a way to keep up. Currently, I still play, I am taking voice lessons again as well as piano, and I sing in my church choir. We'll see. I don't expect to become a pop star (Lord, have mercy) but I do know that music does fit somewhere in the grand scheme of things.

I do know these three things. I also know that I would like to go to Italy at some point for an extended period, provided I come up with funds to do so. I do not mind taking this time to experiment and find out who I am. What I don't want to do is to get locked into a job/career and not end up taking that time. I also don't want to commit to grad school (and more debt) when I'm still not sure what I'd go for (right now, I am thinking either a Master's in Development Management or an M.Div but that's all subject to change). I do not know what the future holds but I'm up for exploration.

How's that for an answer? :D

Will I raise my kids in my faith?

Most of you know that I was not raised as a Catholic. Rather, I converted into the faith as a teenager, though I had been exposed as a child via Catholic school and various Catholic relatives. Still, my parents ultimately gave me the choice. I have to say, I hold a ton of respect for them for not forcing us into a religion that they couldn't even bring themselves to subscribe to (unfortunately, I've seen that happen to many of my peers). Of course, because I was allowed to have a choice, people ask me if I would extend the same choice to my own children.

I have been conflicted for awhile. You see, I want my kids to be able to appreciate faith and I know I appreciated it because I chose it. However, my parents also chose to raise me with their values (hard work, education, humility, propriety, a willingness to serve, and a willingness to question) and I have to say, if they hadn't, I would not have been able to make the choices I have made. If I brought this attitude of appreciation into the lives of my children, from baptism on, they could very well choose to appreciate faith.

What about the hard questions, questions I still hold? What about when my kids start questioning, particularly if my daughters want to know why they can't be priests or if my kids come out to me? I will tell them what the Church says (and why, people seem to forget that) but that their mom also struggles with these things. I will encourage them to keep studying (from a variety of sources) and keep looking for answers. I will encourage them to pray. If their prayers lead them elsewhere, I will support it, but only if they've honestly sought and studied (not because they want to sleep in on Sunday or play video games all day). I at least want to bring them up with the basic values, traditions and practices of my beliefs so that it serves as a firm foundation for the rest of their lives. And they will KNOW it. Mama Katie will make sure they KNOW what's in the Bible, what's in the Catechism, what Pope Whomever is saying. They're not going to be like the kids who go through Confirmation without knowing even what all seven Sacraments are.

What about the priest scandals? Look, those piss me off as much as they pissed anyone off. And the deflection I saw from the top was enough to make me wanna buy a baseball bat and scare the living daylights out of anyone who even LOOKS at a child inappropriately. It was even more maddening to see my own diocese go through scandal after scandal after scandal. What were they THINKING??? At the same time, they are also in danger of abuse from teachers, from relatives, from family friends, from strangers. Let's face it, it's downright terrifying to be a parent sometimes. What I can do is educate my children that, if someone says something to them or touches them in ways that make them feel uncomfortable, they are to tell me immediately. That they don't have to worry about protecting the other person, that we will do everything to keep them safe. That includes, ESPECIALLY includes, those who have a hand in the spiritual formation of my kids.

All in all, I want my kids to grow up knowing that faith in SOMETHING is important. They need something that grounds them, centers them, and something they can turn to in all aspects of life. I can at least give them the basics. When they're older, the rest is up to them (and God).

St. Maria Goretti

*This may contain triggers for sexual assault survivors*

As a teenager coming into the faith, St. Maria Goretti was one of the first saints I heard about. I randomly caught a documentary about her on EWTN (for those who don't know, Eternal Word Television Network, aka Catholic TV). She was born a poor farm tenant's daughter in 1890 in Corinaldo, a town in central Italy. She grew up a devout Catholic girl and was known for her kindness and generosity. When she was not even twelve years old, a neighbor began harassing her until one day, he took her and attempted to rape her. She resisted him physically and, as a result, he stabbed her fourteen times. She died in the hospital, forgiving the man on her death bed. He later repented (after years in prison) and she was canonized a saint by the Catholic Church. She was canonized for "defending her purity".

I have a bit of a problem with that last bit.

I don't have a problem with St. Maria being a saint. I think such forgiveness, at any age, is something to be commended very highly. I also find that she showed courage in the face of huge adversity and worked hard to show a generous and loving soul, no matter what she faced. I believe it is important for young people to learn how to say no, to defend themselves in the face of attack, and, at the same time, to forgive the acts committed against them. However, I do have a problem with the Church using her as a defender of chastity.

You see, when the Church holds her up as a model of chastity (when she's barely even pubescent), it implies that Maria somehow wanted what was done. It implies that she was fighting, not a man trying to attack her, but her own sexual desires. It implies that she was somehow "asking for it." It implies that this violent act, had she submitted, would be "her fault."

It bothers me even more because she was still a child. She was not even twelve years old, may or may not have started her periods, may have just started liking boys, and she's considered a defender of purity? Even if it was his purity she was fighting for (and she did protest the act for the sake of his soul), why would that be her responsibility? As he was the adult in this picture, why shouldn't he be considered the defender of his own purity?

Further, are women who do submit (whether to save their lives or because they simply want it to end) somehow responsible for these crimes? Are children who choose not to fight an abusive adult somehow sinning? Are people who survive an ordeal such as this somehow "less" because they "allowed" someone to sin with them? What kind of message are we sending our Catholic youth, especially the young women?

I believe we should continue to hold Maria as a saint and role model. She is a model of forgiveness, of her willingness to stand for herself and could be considered as someone who stands with those who do suffer from these atrocities. However, to hold her as a model of chastity is inappropriate, as the acts were done without her consent. St. Maria was a child who was brutally killed by an adult who should have known better. This was not a turmoil of inner demons and sexual self-control. This was an act of violence that she had little control over.

I don't believe fighting against a rapist merits a "defense of purity" recognition. It would be the same as if a murder victim was recognized for "defending life" because they fought their killer. Does that mean those who do die are somehow participating in the sin of murder? Absolutely not. Why would we imply the same for those who suffered sexual violence?

Five, Six, Seven, Eight! Time to Excommunicate!

Excommunication is a big deal in the Catholic faith. Ex, for outside, communication for community, it means "cut from the community". It means your sins are so great that you can no longer participate in the sacramental life of the Church, unless you either confess or have it lifted by the bishop. The principle of excommunication is taken from various New Testament passages where St. Paul declares apostates to be anathema (Gal 1:8, for example). One has to wonder: What can you do that is so terrible, the Church can basically cut you off?

According to the Church, you can be excommunicated for the following: 1) Violating the sacrament of Confession (whether using it to solicit sex or by breaking the seal), 2) Using physical force against the Pope, 3) Desecrating the Eucharist (the Body, Blood, Soul and Divinity of Jesus Christ), 4) Procuring a completed abortion, 5) Belonging to the Freemasons, 6) Heresy, apostasy or schism. In recent news however, excommunications for abortions have been the most prominent (Sister Margaret McBride, for example or the Brazilian mother whose nine-year-old was carrying twins). For some reason, given our recent scandals, this bothers me.

First, with the teaching of abortion, we profess that all life is sacred, from conception to natural death. While very strict exceptions are made for self-defense, war, and even the death penalty (though the bishops hold that there is no justification for its use in the U.S.), it is a serious crime to kill anyone. So, I'm wondering why you cannot also be excommunicated for participating in euthanasia or serving as an executioner. Furthermore, since quality and dignity of life are included in our pro-life definition, should you not also be excommunicated if you allow someone to starve or otherwise fail to aid the least of these? Should you not be excommunicated if you pulled a Bernie Madoff and made so many people lose their livelihoods?

Second, with the issue of abortion, we also have teachings on the levels of culpability. For mortal sin to take place, there must be three qualifications: 1) Grave matter, 2) Full knowledge, 3) Full consent of the will. You have to be extremely convicted that the decision is wrong, but you decide to do it anyway. However, if you are coerced, if you do something because you believe it will save someone's life or otherwise produce good, your culpability is lessened. In addition, with regards to life threatening complications in pregnancy, the idea is that doctors must try and save both the lives of the mother and child but, if they can't, they have to at least save one. For the nine-year-old girl raped by her stepfather, she was carrying twins. I can only imagine her mother's agony, whether at the fact that her husband betrayed them both, at the fact that a prepubescent child was impregnated, or at the fact that now she's faced with the decision of having her daughter's pregnancy terminated to save her (not how most of us imagine becoming first time grandmas). For the more recent woman, her baby would have died anyway (because she would have died and her child was not viable) but the doctors decided that abortion was the only way to save her life. I can only imagine Sister Margaret's inner turmoil as she made this decision. So, while I am not God or these women, I cannot imagine that these were acts willfully done with the intention of shedding innocent blood. They were faced with a difficult decision of either ending one (or more than one) life to save another or to watch all lives end in the process.

Third, I cannot imagine that there are no political motives behind the decision to (not) excommunicate. As we all have seen, there have been horrible scandals involving the institutional sexual abuse of children and teenagers at the hands of parish priests. The Pope's initial response has been an accusation of media bias and bigotry. While he later amended this and realized the necessity of protection, he has taken little measures to either punish this crime inside the Church or emphasize the need for cooperation with law enforcement. Indeed, when I mentioned my disgust, Catholic friends of mine made excuses, saying, "You don't know what's been confessed!" and "The Church isn't perfect!" While it is true that priests have been defrocked for these crimes and that dioceses have taken stronger measures, it is dependent on the individual bishops and we have yet to see the clergy as a whole address this. In addition, within my home state of CT, the bishops have actually lobbied against a law that would end the statute of limitations, stating it would harm them. What relation does this have? The Church considers a sin to be so great, you can be excommunicated (regardless of culpability or complications) but lets its own leaders off scot-free for the crimes of not only sexual abuse (horrific in and of itself) but the abuse of power and the very destruction of an individual's relationship with God.

While I believe it's important to protect the dignity of the sacraments, of life, and the unity of our faith, I do believe that we have been failing in accountability. I also believe that the priorities used for excommunicating have not sent a strong enough message to protect all tenets of our faith. In addition, I believe it has been used more as a political measure rather than as a genuine concern for our faith. Rather than pointing the finger at people, I believe the Church hierarchy needs to take an honest look at itself and realize what truly is worth fighting for. I want to see my Church truly defend the innocent, not just paying lip service and meting out severe punishment in the process.

Loneliness

I'm a very social person. People have described me as talkative, friendly, gregarious, extroverted, warm, and open. I always feel the need to connect with people and I love long conversations. While I appreciate my alone time (especially after busy nights of work or when I'm sick), I typically do not fare well under it. However, at the end of this school year, I've found myself spending my days off with little company. As a server who works most weekends, I find it difficult to find friends free at the same time that I am. It was then that I decided to experiment with loneliness.

What I've found is that I can use this time, time that I have not had in my recent past, to grow into myself. In the past two days (both days off), I have learned new guitar tricks, written for pleasure, read multiple books, practiced my singing, lifted weights, tried new recipes, and most importantly, taken time to reconnect with my faith and go to Confession (hey, I needed it!). I've found that my quiet time has helped to regenerate my soul and led me to develop hobbies and interests. I've also found that, when I have run into friends and met new people, I appreciate encounters more. I've learned to value what other people have to say, rather than just waiting for my turn to talk.

When school is in session, other factors split my attention and consume my life. I pay my own rent, so I'm constantly working, in addition to taking a full course load (and working as hard as I can on my schoolwork). I also tend to take leadership positions and fill my time with extracurriculars and social events, anything to build my resume and increase my networks. In addition, I find a need to see my friends as much as possible and keep maintaining relationships. The little quiet time I get is usually the hour I spend at Mass, if that. As I'm constantly with people, I feel the need to talk all the time. I tend to speak more impulsively and I find silence impossible to deal with, as I feel either too lazy or too lonely. With the stress I experience during school, I am very surprised my health (emotional or physical) has endured as much as it has.

I'm finding that I'm learning to deal with myself in healthier ways. I'm more aware of my flaws but I don't feel they are as insurmountable (as my need for perfectionism has lowered significantly). I feel more motivated to work on them and to become a better person. I feel a stronger drive to create, to leave something of value. I don't feel the need to fill every space with words or to retreat away from the world as much. I feel refreshed, stronger, and more ready for challenges. I can appreciate my time with people more.

Most importantly, I'm learning that I have to rely on my own inner strength, the strength only God gives, when challenges arise. I need that strength to humble myself when I need help and to give to others, when they need help. However, developing that strength is an inner process, one that needs to happen when I'm one on one with God. For if I can learn to be strong when it's only me, I can be strong when I'm against an adversary. As a result, I'm much more confident, peaceful and self-assured.

I guess I'm not so lonely after all :)

Sexual Abstinence and Empowerment

"Why do you want to wait?" "Is it hard?" "But sex is FUN!" "You can't pay the mortgage off all at once, Katie." These are just a few of the myriad statements I hear when others learn of my decision to wait till marriage. As a twenty-one year old student (at a liberal university, in one of the most liberal cities), a self-proclaimed feminist, someone who's questioned her own sexuality, and someone who seems to have a crush a day (hey, I meet a lot of wonderful, beautiful, attractive people!), it seems shocking. Combined with my Catholicism, I seem an anamoly, especially given my previous statement. Yet I find this decision to be one of the most liberating ones of my life. To me, abstinence is empowerment.

First, I don't have to deal with some life-changing complications. I carry a ton of stress in my life. I go to school full-time, work nearly the same amount, carry some extracurriculars, plus I make time for things I deem important (music, connecting with friends and family, writing, reading for fun, church). What would I do if I got pregnant? Abortion repulses me and I tend to be a maternal person.....yet I know I could not be the mother I should be, should I be blessed enough with a child. At the same time, I know I'd grieve a baby I placed for adoption. I'd rather not have to make that choice, given the tensions I already face. I also do not wish to put my physical health at risk for STI's (even with protection....I don't trust it with my city's AIDS rate) or cervical cancer (NIH says that risk is greater with greater numbers of sexual partners).

"But there's protection!" Except, what are my options? I don't like the idea of putting (potentially carcinogenic, see WHO and NIH) hormones into my body unless I had serious medical conditions that required it (side effects also have me worried). In addition, with concerns rising about hormones in the water, I feel these would have social and environmental costs attached (not to mention, the cost out of my pocket!). For barrier methods, I'm not so sure how much I like the idea of synthetic materials entering my orifices, not to mention some also require leaking chemicals through my body (and again, going back into the water, reiterating my point on the environment). Furthermore, most options are only for the prevention of pregnancy. For STI protection, we only have condoms. What if it breaks, despite best efforts? Are a few moments of fun worth the rest of your life? I'd rather say I waited till marriage and have my friends laugh at me, rather than say I have AIDS and see tears on their faces.

Also, protection only works for the body (and again, not 100% of the time). What about the heart? Yes, I know, some people will have encounters and not regret an adventure. I am not one of those people. For those who know me, I get very attached to other people, especially people who are affectionate with me. I receive love through hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical touch. If I were to engage in sex with someone, I know that it would have to be within the context of a lifelong relationship because, for me, it would be a bonding experience. Further, I would not want its power clouding my judgment if someone were truly not right for me. When I date, I'm looking at the person as a potential life partner (which is why it remains an infrequent part of my life). I don't want their ability to romance and seduce me (in ways sexual or not) to get in the way of my judgment of their character and our compatibility.

This brings me to my final point. I've found that our over-consumerism has spilled into our romantic lives. Dating is no longer about who would make a suitable spouse. It's about who's the best at flirting, the most attractive, the most sexual, the most lavish and extravagant, and maybe we'll get married at some point. Our society has discouraged us from looking for commitment, encouraged us to focus on the superficial, and forgot one of our main institutions. Even if someone is amazing, we're expected to look for someone "better" because we're "young". When it comes to sex, they must please us from the beginning or they're out the door. If they lose their physical appearance, they are also eliminated. What a sad outlook!

No thanks. For me, I'd rather focus on becoming a more complete person, rooted in her values and embracing the crazy directions life takes me, while still maintaining a level of sanity and practicality. I'll look carefully for a spouse when I'm ready to look. When we've found each other, we'll embark on adventures together, sexual and non-sexual alike. We'll learn how to make a relationship withstand every fire, build a life through good and bad, storm and sun. We'll learn this particular dance in the same way a band learns to play together (after all, the guys in U2 were complete novices. Yet they've become a piece of magnificence) and appreciate its power and beauty, even if it's not always earth-shattering. We will embrace joy, sorrow, children, careers, age, economic booms and bust, war and peace together, until one of us dies. That's what I want and that's worth more than a thousand lovers.

Now, THAT'S sexy ;-)

Art, God, Hierarchy, and the Poor

I took a trip to Europe when I was eighteen. For two weeks, I traveled around four countries, performing, touring, and visiting historical sites, while using rudimentary French to get around. I've visited small towns, big cities, mountains, beaches, cathedrals, and concentration camps. I flew for the first time in my life. It was incredible.

Everything struck me when I was there, but a visit to an old church in Dinkelsbühl, Germany gave me a moment of pause. You see, St. George's Catholic church is over a thousand years old, still standing to this day, with all of its beauty intact. When it was built, it was a huge community effort. The wealthy donated money for materials and labor, the artisans made use of their talents in crafting stained glass windows, paintings, and sculptures of the angels, prophets, and saints, and the laborers contributed the work of their hands and strength of their bodies. Not one person was left out. As a result, everyone in the community, regardless of class, age, or social standing, had a place to come together as fellow human beings, and glorify God every Sunday (granted, it never falls exactly to this ideal, people still bring their prejudices, etc, but you get where I'm coming from).

Upon hearing this, and stories of churches and cathedrals worldwide, it always angers me when I hear how we need to, "sell our art and give to the poor." While yes, as Catholics, we are obligated and commanded to give to the poor and fight for social justice, I don't believe this is an accurate statement or effective method. Here are a few reasons.

In the Bible, Jesus did command His disciples to sell what they had and give to the poor. However, there is a striking passage in John, where a woman anoints Jesus' head with oil. Judas rebukes her, stating that the ointment was expensive and the money from its selling could help so many people. Jesus makes an interesting comeback. He says that we'll always have the poor, but only Him for a short while. Sounds contradictory? Not really. Jesus was not being greedy or suggesting we forget about the least of these. Instead, He was acknowledging the importance of giving our talents and resources to God. In our faith, we believe that being generous with God, something we can't see, allows us to be more generous with each other, whom we do see. Does it always work like this? No, because we are broken. However, if one is truly open, you couldn't give your talents to God without sharing them. Should musicians who advocate justice sell their instruments and give to causes? No, because otherwise, others might not hear the message in the same way, as if the musician had written a song about it (hey, it was because of Bono that I made myself learn about world poverty). Same with the art in churches. It helps us to focus on what's really important and can give more voice to the causes of justice (considering you're focusing on a guy who was beaten and killed by an unjust government for suggesting a revolution of love).

Another issue I have with that is my own beliefs about art. I don't believe art was meant to be confined to the hierarchy, to those privileged enough to buy a painting or see a concert. Art, whether in its creation or appreciation, was meant to be enjoyed by humanity. That is our way of manifesting emotions and beauty in ways that mere speech cannot. Because of the Church's preserving art such as that of Michelangelo's, people all over are able to view and share this art, to share the messages (like Mary's grief over losing her Son in the Pietá). If we sold this art, this treasure of humanity, it would go into the hands of the hierarchy, of those who'd make its sharing much more exclusive, those who don't appreciate the significance and profundity of its creation. Further, with the issue of these churches and cathedrals, we're sending a message saying that art is merely for the rich, a luxury item, an exclusive club. For those who made their living through these creations, as well as those who've sacrificed more lucrative careers for art, this is a huge slap in the face.

Finally, while I agree that there are those leaders who could live more simply, I don't believe art is responsible for this poverty. First, in many of these communities, the Church is providing health care, school systems, and other programs not provided by governments (and it's Catholic movements who have been known to call governments to accountability. Think Brazil's land reform movement or Archbishop Romero in El Salvador). Second (and I'm hoping this is true in all cases), we stand against slavery, so I am sure that these workers are paid to create this art. This could be a livelihood for people who otherwise would not have had one. For local artisans, this is a way of preserving culture, showcasing talents, in ways that they might not have been able to otherwise. Poverty is caused by social injustice and unequal distribution of resources, as well as economic turmoil. While maybe some church leaders could do more, I'd hardly peg beautiful churches as the reason for infant mortality.

As Catholics, as people of faith (or no faith), as human beings, we have a responsibility to fight poverty. We have a responsibility to fight social injustice. Yet to take a tool that binds people together, manifests our own creative desires, and to condemn it to hierarchical prostitution is a crime against humanity. We have a right to create and appreciate creation, sacred or otherwise. Art is not a luxury. For some of us, it's how we breathe. Without it, life is mere survival. Beauty is not a privilege for the powerful. It's why we're here, to show the world how it is and what it could be. Blame governments, blame attitudes, blame unkind hearts for poverty. But don't blame humanity's creative power.

Dating.....

A Muslim friend and follower of mine posted an amazing and humorous article of the problems and awkwardness associated with teen dating (find here). In addition, the author speaks of the benefits of following Muslim tradition with regard to marriage. She emphasizes the need for consent, community involvement, and familial support in choosing a life partner. While giving me a good laugh (the lady has a wonderful sense of humor), the article also made me think about my own views on dating and marriage. As a Catholic, I found myself agreeing with most of the article.

You see, my faith teaches that marriage is to be for life. When you get married in the Catholic Church, you are assenting to always practicing fidelity, to staying together till death, and to raising a family, as God sees fit to bless you (whether through birth, adoption or any other means). As a result, the Church is very strict on its marital teachings. Sex is meant for your spouse only, for bonding and the creation of children. Engaged couples must prepare for marriage extensively and take classes and counseling before a priest will consent to a wedding. While couples are free to choose their form of dating or courtship and there is no specific Church teaching regarding the subject of teen dating, many priests will emphasize the need for discernment and traditional Catholics tend to see dating as a means to an end, not merely a fun activity for young people.

Because I do agree with all of these, I find myself shying away from mainstream dating. Many people say it's a way of getting to know people and figuring out what you like. The thing is, I could do that just as easily while being friends with someone, without feelings getting in the way. At other points, I'm trying to find someone who shares my values. Unfortunately, sex has become an expectation and traditional values are often looked down upon. I also have my future to consider. I know I'm not ready to marry at this point in my life....I don't want to start considering it before I have some basic factors in order.

I am not judging anyone who chooses to date or follow mainstream society. However, I am proposing another model. I don't need to go to the movies with ten different guys to see who'd make the best husband and father. I also don't need to put myself at risk for things like pregnancy or STI's for the sake of being young. Instead, I'm preparing myself for an enduring, unconditional, lifelong journey. Until I find the one who will take it with me, I can at least start becoming the person I want to be, the person who is ready for any adventure. I find that type of love all the more thrilling.

Vatican Abuse Scandals-A Cause for Outrage or Excuse for Bigotry?

The sex abuse scandals in the Catholic Church are, unfortunately, nothing new. The U.S. Catholic Church has been dealing with the aftermath and subsequent media exposure for at least the last decade. However, this year we've been finding that there's more than meets the eye. With new findings in Ireland and Germany, as well as the revelation of more cover-ups in the U.S., Catholics and non-Catholics alike are angry. At the same time, there are those arguing that the media is persecuting the Church, that the Church is doing something good, but that no one appreciates it because Catholics are society's favorite scapegoat these days. Any call for justice is met with accusations of "vengeance" and "not respecting the seal of the Confessional," while any criticism is met with accusations of anti-Catholicism or, if one is Catholic, disobedience and pride.

In all honesty, I'm surprised more Catholics are not outraged.

Main reason: Sex abuse of children is horrific. It's even more so when committed by a spiritual leader, one who is supposed to have moral authority. By itself, this crime destroys the trust of children and manipulates their desires for affection, love and attention. Adults guilty of this misuse the tendency of children to obey and look up to their elders. This crime harms a child's ability to bond with others in many ways and can impede with their ability to have healthy relationships (platonic and not) when they are of age. When committed by a spiritual leader, this can harm a child's ability to relate to God and connect to their faith. These children grow up seeing God as someone who thinks they are sinful and worthless, only to be the plaything of His representatives. How can we not react with anger?

Pro-life ethics: As Catholics, we are called to uphold the sanctity and dignity of life. This includes ensuring justice, especially for the innocent among us. If we are so horrified by abortion, horrified enough that excommunication is the automatic punishment, we must also protect children after they are born, preventing them from harm and violent crime. We have failed in this. In order to save reputations, the Church instead relocated "problematic" priests to other parishes or sent them to ineffective therapy treatments, even when the psychiatrists themselves said it was ineffective. When children are in our care, we have a sacred and moral obligation to keep them out of harm's way, before or after they are born. How are people supposed to believe that we're right on saving the preborn if we refuse to protect the born?

Punishment: Some Catholics seem to think that my advocacy for punishment and justice is a call for revenge. Not so. Forgiveness is something we must all strive for. I never once declared that these priests and those who aided them deserved to burn in Hell. At the same time, we need to send a clear message to society that this crime is not acceptable. Is it not just to remove an offending priest from priestly duties, turn him to secular authorities and forbid him contact with children? This is not about eternal condemnation or hatred. This is about keeping children safe and sending a warning to others who may be tempted to abuse their power. Punishment serves as a deterrence. Confession is great, but does not suffice for society. Society needs to see that this crime is a crime and that no one's clerical status excuses one from the consequences.

Bigotry: While I will not deny anti-Catholic prejudice in society and through the media, I feel that accusations of using someone else's trauma as an excuse for persecution are misplaced. First, it is a slap in the faith to Catholics who are truly being persecuted or murdered by their governments (China, some Middle Eastern nations, etc). Second, while journalists and outlets bring biases with them, I'd highly doubt that no Catholics are present on any of the staff and could not at least fact check. Third, how is it bigotry to admit that our leaders did something wrong? If our leaders are truly the successors of Jesus Christ and His Apostles, should we not hold them to that standard? Is it not loving to keep them accountable?

To all Catholics: Criticizing a policy is not the same as promulgating heresy. We have an obligation to protect the innocent and to keep each other accountable on the path to Heaven. This is not unforgiving, prideful, or wrathful. Instead, it conveys humility, justice, and the courage to do what is right (as opposed to what is politically convenient at the time). Dear Catholics, we make a vow at our weddings to raise our children to know Christ through His Church. Let us make their journey one that edifies and uplifts their precious souls as they mature in His name. Let us ensure that they are not abused in the Holy Name of God, for that would be our greatest scandal.

Prayers for Haiti

This may come a bit late, but I just wanted offer this post in prayers for Haiti. The destruction they faced was unimaginable and my heart goes out to all the lives lost. Every day, I've been following the news and each story is uniquely tragic. From the woman who lost her goddaughter to families seeking treatment or burial for loved ones to Haitians in America worried about family back home to American families waiting on news of their adopted Haitian children, there is so much suffering.

Suffering is never meaningless. It has the potential to fortify our souls and help us appreciate beauty (look at the stories of any Catholic saint or any other great hero, of any faith or no faith). Suffering also stands as a test: How far will we go to help our fellow man? Will we aim to see through each other or to see each other through? Let's pray and hope that it is the latter.

Finally, I just want to offer thanks. Thank you, President Obama for your speedy response. Thank you to all those working to ease the burdens and rebuild the nation. And thank you to God, because, despite this, God is good. Hopefully, we'll emulate that.

Thoughts on an article from TIME-a bit more theological than I intended to go.....

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1940395-1,00.html

I found this article really interesting, simply because my parents and I discuss this all the time.

People seem to think that an increase in technology will bring about an absence of suffering and that they can prevent their kids from experiencing disappointment. Hate to break it to them, but as long as we're human (and broken by sin), there will always be disappointment. Kids skin their knees and hit their heads (yet they survive). Students fail tests and adults lose their jobs. Friendships, romantic relationships, sadly, even marriages break apart. We hurt each other, especially those we love dearly. People die.

Yet, behind the sadness and disappointment, there is beauty. There is a reason for discipline, a motive for perseverance. For the things we fail at, there's something only we can succeed at. For the words that hurt us, there are words that can heal. For every moment of pain, there's an even brighter moment of glory and pain, like a rainy day, can be seen as beautiful too. Finally, for the dark death that sin brings, there is the Light of Christ.

I always wondered why God let us suffer. There is no easy answer to that one. But, when I think of that question, I first think, "We chose to know good and evil.....that's where the evil part comes in." Yet, even more, I realize that He does this to bring us closer to Him. He wants to make us grow stronger, but that first takes experiencing weakness. He wants us to know joy, but we can't appreciate it without knowing pain. He wants to fill us....but we can't realize it without first being hungry.

Far from exploring the world,these kids are raised to become afraid of it. Far from relaxing and enjoying beauty, they're stressed and burned out from being spread too thin. Far from following their own God-given talents, they believe they're not worth much if they can't do everything. Far from honoring and acknowledging that they are made in the image of God, they're worried about being perfect for someone else.

When I see society moving away from God, it's not just the big ways like abortion, extreme poverty, torture, or the suppression of human rights. It's in the more subtle ways, the suppression of creativity, the ban on exploration. It's in the magazines telling women to look like Barbie (unless they want to be alone forever), the college seminars telling kids that heavy schedules are more important than their health, their families, or even the desire to explore what it is THEY want out of life. It's the emphasis on money and status over character and talent. It's the fear of pain over the willingness to persevere. It's the prevention of people becoming their full potentials, the potentials that God gave them.

With this, we're losing a sense of responsibility, an acknowledgment of free will, a drive to solve problems, and an astronomical amount of inspiration. This truly saddens me.

"Doubting Thomas" = Defensor Fidelis?

I am a Catholic. If you know me, this is usually the first thing you come to know. If you don't, you usually figure it out pretty quickly. I'm proud to be Catholic. My weekend plans include a Sunday Mass, my bag contains a rosary, and I'm involved in my Catholic community in many different ways. I also have the habit of connecting everything to a saints' day (example: "I'm seeing a U2 concert on the Feast of St. Michael!" Yeah, I'm that person). I live by Church teaching, even the hard ones, but at the same time, through all of it, there are many disagreements I hold with the Church. I believe contraception should be a couple's choice, that women should be welcomed into the priesthood, that maybe premarital sex, when done out of love, isn't as horrible a sin, even if it's not my personal cup of tea. I believe that religion shouldn't influence public policy with regards to same sex marriage and I don't understand why priests should be discouraged and forbidden from marriage (this for the Roman Rite-Eastern Rite is different).

Yet many things in my life have made me defend the Church, even despite my own disagreements.

I attend a very liberal university. This in and of itself would not be a problem, except that the words "liberal" and "tolerant" only apply if you agree completely with what others say (making the words meaningless). Though I myself am very politically liberal, my Catholic faith and pro-life beliefs have gotten me into hot water with many of my classmates. I have had experiences where I was the only person in my bio class who actively stood against turning human embryos into commodities. I've been the only person in my class defending the Church, not even when I absolutely agreed with the Pope but because my professor or classmates turned the discussion from honest inquiry to an excuse to bash Catholics, conservatives and other groups. I've been told my views are ridiculous and that my religion is horrible because of past events that no one in the Church has any control over. I've had friends come out of class frustrated for believing the same thing. I'm even afraid to get the groups I help run involved in certain events, because I'm afraid of situations devolving into a fiery pit of arrogance, insults, and an utter lack of respect or decency.

To me, the Church is my family. Even when I question my faith in God, I cannot deny the spiritual and cultural home I've found in Catholicism, nor can I deny the friendships and communities I've found because of it. Even as I question my priest on views of birth control or homosexuality, I cannot deny the good man of God that he is or underestimate the power of his faith, love and intellect combined. I cannot deny the peace I find in attending Mass or saying a rosary, even if I wish I could see a woman on that altar with the Church's blessing. Moreover, I cannot deny the honest inquiry, both intellectual and spiritual, of many theologians, the hope and faith that they are getting something right, that they really are following the will of God. I also cannot deny the heroes of Catholicism, the heroes that inspire me in my own faith, my own activism, the people whose faith was their momentum and reason for all that they did, even if it lead to their deaths. Even if I myself cringe at the wealth of the Church, I cannot deny the selflessness of the many Catholics, lay, religious and clergy, who give their hearts, minds and souls for the cause of Christ and the cause of justice.

Yes, I have my own struggles with certain teachings. At the same time, for this reason, I defend them and those who believe in, simply because I understand. I hate bigotry and disrespect more than I disagree with the men of Rome. Also, while I disagree with my family on certain things, I would never let someone speak ill of my own mother and father. Neither will I allow someone to speak evil of the main source that inspires me to do good: my faith in God through the Church.