The Quiet Time

My life is relatively quiet right now.  I go to work, keep a budget, attend Mass every Sunday, sing in a church choir, attend social events, exercise, train my voice and spend quality time with my future hubby.  It's lovely, in its own way.  It's nice to come home to one person, keep a regular schedule, to have time to contemplate and be creative, to actually finish a book and to sip a glass of wine slowly and carefully.  It's nice to have a regular community of both young folks and older folks coming into our lives.  It's nice to focus on fun but relatively mellow tasks such as planning my wedding. It's nice to have a job where I can focus on my long term career and also reap necessary benefits such as health insurance.  I have to say, I'm grateful for the quiet.

I haven't always been. I've gotten used to chaos.  In the past few years, I've managed to hold down a demanding job and live on my own while attending college, spend a quarter of a year in a foreign country, question my faith as well as my ethics and sexuality, deal with crazy housing and travel situations, visit a Native American boundary,  deal with underemployment, make close friends only to lose some of them and experience some trauma along the way.  Right on top of that, I found myself falling in love and deciding to commit to him for life.   The lows may have been low but the highs were like standing over a waterfall in Kenya-well worth every possible risk that may have led to the adventure itself. 

It's hard to get used to the quiet.  It's not easy to adjust to the ordinary.  I keep wondering when the next big thing is coming.  However, I am starting to appreciate what peace and quiet feel like.  I'm realizing I need this in order to prepare for whatever comes next.  I need this to grow strong and to develop myself.  I need this in order to become who I am more fully. 

Still, I can't wait to see what comes next.

Financial Freedom is Freedom

I've always been interested in personal finance.  During my last two years of college, I worked as a waitress and paid for my own apartment.  Ever since, financial independence has been crucial to me.

I'll admit, I have not been perfect. I'd always been a saver (case in point, my relatives beg me to do "something fun" with gift money) and I tend to have a general idea of how much is in my bank account at any given time.  However, I never had a written down budget and I find that I can spend money on stupid stuff (I'll forget to pack sufficient snacks and need to make a Starbucks run during the course of my day). All the budgeting templates I would find online were complicated and I felt I couldn't use them at points when my income was irregular.  Also, living on a volunteer stipend and later supporting my partner while he found work left me feeling a bit lean on cash.  I thought, "Oh, I can do a budget later, when my job situation is more stable!"  However, I learned that living paycheck to paycheck was just too stressful and I needed to change.

I got a Dave Ramsey kit for my birthday and that really changed the way I thought about money.    I learned not only that I needed to save money-I learned how.  I learned how, exactly, to allocate my cash each month, which goals I should strive for as I save (an emergency fund first, pay off all debts next, etc.) and even what insurance I would need (I had no idea ID theft insurance existed, much less that it was necessary).  It also has forced me to look ahead into fellowships I can qualify for when I choose to go to graduate school-no more debt for this chick!

I learned that, even in this economy, it is possible to get ahead financially.  Even when wages have stagnated and jobs with full benefits are difficult to come by, it's possible for us to make choices that allow us to get ahead.  It is challenging. It involves very careful planning and living well below one's means (for us, that means not going to our favorite restaurants).  However, if it means I can spend my life pursuing my dreams and live well with my companion (not to mention set my kids up well for school), it's worth it.  Further, as someone who is committed to social justice, it would allow me to give more of my resources to work I believe is important. 

We may not be able to control our jobs or the economy.  But if there is the smallest barrier I can place between me and the chaos of life, allowing me to ride the wave even if I can't stop it, then I have the obligation to do so.  I always want to help others-but I need to use my own oxygen mask before I can help others with theirs.  If you can, I'd encourage you to do the same.

Why I've been away for so long.......

I'll admit, I haven't been the most consistent on this blog for awhile.  I feel like my hey-days in blogging were back in 2009 and part of 2010 while I simply fell off the wagon in 2011 and have only occasionally written since.

As with most people, quite a bit has changed. I completed a year with AmeriCorps, where I worked with middle school students in the inner city.  I temped at a cancer organization for nine months and am now in a position at a different company that has me working in education and also works on international issues.  I do love my job though I'm still getting used to the learning curve (I've only been there a month). I like my colleagues a lot and they're prepping me for high level projects. In between, I'm taking voice lessons, singing in my church choir and planning a wedding that will be Catholic, Italian, with a bit of an untraditional bent.  I'm also trying to see my friends more.  In addition, I'm trying to get the apartment organized and build an exercise routine that I'll actually maintain.

There really isn't anything earth-shattering happening.  Right now, I'm just grateful that my life isn't as hectic as it used to be.  Once I actually practice build up my voice more and can start putting together a good repetoire, I'd like to seek performance opportunities.  My companion and I are talking about Peace Corps or some other long-term abroad opportunity for a couple years after we wed. Then, there are ideas of grad school, claiming my dual citizenship, possibly having a baby or two, maybe running at least one marathon......

The one thing I don't want to do is lose sight of my dreams.  But right now, it's about organization and prioritization.  With that, I see a corner of old papers that has my name on it. 

To Change or Not to Change-That is the Question

'Tis the question if you are a lass awaiting her nuptials, even in the present day U.S.  Shakespeare allusions aside, the choices regarding a married women's surname can evoke questions and controversy.   From romantic notions and family unity to ideals of gender equality, there are people who hold strong views on the matter. For me, the decision to keep my original surname was a personal choice, but one I wanted to reflect my ideals and politics as well.

I was probably in the sixth grade when I first thought of hyphenating my name. Back then, my aspirations involved becoming a successful actress living in New York. If I were to marry, I would hyphenate and build it as a brand name. In any event, that's how it worked in my brain.  Later on, in high school, I figured I'd go with the culture and take a man's last name, but the idea of at least hyphenating stuck in my brain. It wasn't till college when I decided to keep it for good.

I read writings by Jessica Valenti, founder of the online community Feministing and author of several books.  I learned that the reason women began changing their names upon marriage was to signify them being transferred from their father to their husbands as property.  Though I know the vast majority of  women don't change their names for that reason anymore, I could not get that idea out of my head.  Further, if a guy is able to maintain his own name, identity and career before and after marriage, why not a woman? I don't see how possessing XX chromosomes makes me unworthy of my birth surname after marriage or unable to pass it along to my children, just like their father.

Yes, we are a team.  We're an equal, united front, committed to building a strong family, as well as names and careers for ourselves. However, even players on the same soccer team all have different names from one another. They are united under one team but bring their individual names, strengths, and talents to the table and are known by their names as well as their team.  This is how we envision our union, as one where we recognize the overarching goal but are still recognized by traits that make us unique, including our names.

As for whether or not our children will suffer, I've had friends from both egalitarian families and Latin American families who've inherited multiple surnames. Some tend to prefer one or the other and, when they get married, some choose whatever combination sounds better or makes sense, given their heritage.  I'm sure that, by the time we're raising heirs the empire, they'll adapt and grow like any other children.  They may have to worry about me sticking them with totally awesome names like Santino and Lorenzo. Hey, I am marrying a fellow Italian, even if our surnames don't show it!

Of course, we could actually execute Lily and Marshall's plan from How I Met Your Mother and call ourselves Mr. and Mrs. Awesome :D  But that's another idea for another day.

Catholic wedding traditions that aren't actually Catholic

1. The white dress.  That dress actually came into fashion after Queen Victoria's wedding, though I've heard white had been used in Jewish weddings, as it is the color of light and of purity.  For Christian weddings however, white only came into fashion due to it being a luxury. White cloth is very hard to keep clean and beautiful, so it was a sign of wealth to afford a dress you'd really only be able to wear once.  As time went on, we came to see as a symbol of virginity and of purity, which is why it is the color of choice for Western, Christian brides and especially Catholics, due to our strict sexual morality.

2. "Obeying" your husband. Of course, due to one verse in Ephesians, another in Timothy and some Old Testament ideals, groups of conservative Christians believe that a wife must submit to and obey her husband. People often mistakenly believe that, during a Catholic wedding ceremony, a bride has to promise to obey her husband.  That's actually a tradition that came from the Anglican church. Interestingly enough, the Catholic Church teaches that both a husband and wife must equally consent to the marriage and actually abolished arranged marriages under the Council of Trent.  Unfortunately, that is not always practiced correctly but we do believe in spouses acting as equal partners, even if our more conservative brothers and sisters still hold that the roles of each gender are different.

3. Being "given" away.  This tradition relates to the previous one, in the sense of our religion not always having the best reputation when it comes to seeing women as equals.  Further, in America, brides of all Christian denominations and in some non-religious weddings (haven't been to any other types of religious weddings to be able to comment) tend to walk down the aisle with their fathers, with a belief that he's "giving his little girl" away.  Most would be shocked to learn that the Catholic Church only reluctantly allows this practice, which actually originated in Protestant churches.  Because the bride and groom act as ministers of marriage (the priest doesn't "marry them", he serves as a mere witness) and our strong belief that men and women hold equal consent, the Church isn't comfortable with the idea of women being "given." That's why, even if a bride walks down with her father, the priest isn't allowed to ask, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" Instead, they recommend couples to walk together or at least walk separately with both of their parents but, because this tradition is entrenched within our customs, they allow it, but they describe it as the bride being "escorted."

4. Changing her last name. Most brides in the U.S. change their surnames to their husband's.  In very traditional Christian circles, including Catholic ones, it's recommended to show it as your husband being the head of the house.  Especially when a woman is devoutly Catholic, it can sometimes shock people to find out she has decided to keep the surname she was born with.  Interestingly enough, on Church documents, they still refer to the woman by the surname she born with, even if she has legally taken her husband's surname.  Further, in Latin American and other Catholic countries, women tend to keep their surnames and children are born with two surnames (and known by all of the surnames of their grandparents).  Like walking with her father and promising to obey her husband, this tradition also emerged from northern European and Protestant traditions, which is why it is so predominate in the U.S.

There are aspects of the wedding ceremony that the Catholic church is very strict about and a couple is bound to fidelity, entering a marriage freely and being open to the possibility of children.  The rite is regulated to ensure that these conditions are met and that God is given due glory in the ceremony.  Other than that, they really don't care what color the dress is, whether she's a Mrs. His Name or a Ms. Her Name, how she and her husband structure their marriage, etc. Now, individual couples, families, and priests may have their preferences but that's it.  So, if you know a Catholic bride who wants to shake things up with these traditions, remember that they aren't as enshrined in Catholicism as the public likes to think they are. 

More young people working multiple jobs........Yes, we're educated too

When we youth complain about our lot in life, the older adults are quick to remind us how "easy" we have it, how they sacrificed to give us a better life, and how we just have to work harder. What these adults don't often realize is that, no, we don't have it easier. In fact, we have it much harder. We have to deal with huge government debts and a swath of problems overseas (caused by these generations of older adults) that we never had to deal with in the past. Now, in this economy, we have to work multiple jobs to survive. According to this article, more of us college graduates are taking multiple part time jobs. Not because we're actors who need the days for auditions, not because we want to live outside of the typical workweek, it's because now, we have to.

Guess what? When we were in high school, applying for colleges, doing sports, music, and community service to have that "well-rounded" application, no one ever imagined this as our lot. While I do believe in the value of a college education (both for the mind and the paycheck in the long run), it is amazing to me that adults in our lives sold us onto college with the idea of making money. Luckily, my parents didn't emphasize that (they just wanted us to be educated), but the parents of so many others did. Further, our teachers would in those "career clusters" we had to participate in. As long as you studied hard, you could make something of yourself.

They didn't tell us it was now more about networking. They didn't tell us that we may have to either afford to work at multiple full-time unpaid internships or do said internship and work at a part time job on top of it to pay the bills. Of course, for the latter, even if you swing the job, you still have to move to a major metropolitan area if you're not already in one. They talk, talk, talk about the importance of a budget, of the need to put money away for retirement, without realizing that there is no retirement. There are no savings, period. Many of us give up our weekends and hopes for vacations so that we can afford our rent. For many of us, moving back home is not an option (nothing in my field back home). What about grad school? I want an MBA-something that requires work experience and something I've been told to let someone else (an employer) pay for. Further, many of my friends who went to grad school or law school suffer even more, due to the increasing amount of debt and the dangers of specialization (study what you want, by any means, but don't pigeonhole yourself too much).

I know I have an opportunity for next year, something I've been very fortunate to have. However, I see the situation of several friends, who either intern (paid) full-time and still have to wait tables, who have applied to nearly 100 places with no interview and no, they won't allow you to follow up anymore, who went to law school and graduated at the top of their game with good internships only to find that no one was hiring lawyers anymore. I have friends who nailed that entry-level job only to find that it doesn't pay quite enough to live and they still need the college job on the weekends (sales associate, restaurant server) in order to even hope for anything extra. Even though they have enough, the economy takes a toll in a different way, the toll of little rest and relaxation.

People bemoan the destruction of values, of families. For many of us, values are important but survival comes first. As for families, we're told we should be independent of our families of origin and, even if we wanted to start our own, we're too poor and too unstable to do so. Trust me, God willing my own relationship survives a couple of years, I'd gladly marry my boyfriend and I always wanted to have my kids young. However, a lot of that depends on our ability to draw a steady paycheck. Everyone says the American dream is to give your kids better than what you had. Well, until I can attain something leading to that, I will not partake. Besides, a kid needs parents who are present, not parents who are working four jobs each to survive.

18-year-olds make me feel old....

I was at my restaurant job yesterday, rolling silverware with the other servers. Most of them were just turning eighteen, off to college and spending their summer working and hanging out with their friends. They were talking about their high school friends, previous travel experiences they took to beef up their college applications, and their adventures with fake ID's. It happens every summer. Each new crop of kids, some of whom used to be seating hosts, is now old enough to become a server and earn the accompanying pile 'o cash they can now spend for fun (those days seem forever ago to me). Old enough to know they're legal adults but young enough to still be protected by their parents, they live in a paradox of youthful arrogance and equally youthful naivete. I should know, I was there at one point (though I never had a fake....).

For the first time, however, I felt old. Not old as in, "My youth is done!" but old as in, that feels so far away from me. While they're thinking of summer parties and saying goodbye to friends and high school sweethearts, I'm looking for a new apartment and planning a budget on a stipend. While they are fretting over majors and focusing more on the social aspect of college, I'm contemplating career moves and grad school. While they can shop simply because they have the extra money, I'm making grocery lists and planning trips to Target to organize my space. While they can't wait to leave their parents, I miss mine. While they've been attending friends' Sweet Sixteens, I've been attending weddings. While they revel in the status of legal adulthood, I'm living an adult's life.

It's amazing to think that a human being can change so much in what seems to be so little. Four years ago, I was like them. I myself could not wait to get out of my small town (best decision I made after become Catholic and going to Kenya). I myself was so sure of things, whether of my dreams to be a doctor or of my high school sweetheart. While I did think of the future, my life was more about school clubs and friends. Of course, that all changed. My dreams changed, my relationship ended, I made new friends, and school clubs started giving way to jobs, internships and travel. I'm in a fairly new relationship now and realizing I made a much better decision this time around. I started living on my own and learned how to deal with banks and leases. While I'm a lot happier in DC, I realized that I do miss my family and coming home to visit is pretty nice. I learned that not making my bed every day just made me feel disorganized and that eating ice cream just because I could was the fastest way to sap my energy and make me need new clothes when I can't afford them. I learned that shit happens and all you can do is clean it yourself, regardless of whether you're the one who left it.

I understand why older adults yearn for that period of youth. You're so sure of yourself, because you do have some innocence, yet you're old enough to have freedom at the same time. For some of these kids, life hasn't complicated things for them yet, not through parental divorce, teen pregnancy, or the death of their friends. You feel the immense power of your youth, protecting you from all evils, feeling sure that nothing will ever happen to you. Yet, while all of this will disappear, it will give way to something greater. A feeling of purpose, a drive to succeed and contribute something worthy, a strength that allows you to pull through the difficulties. Friends who really do have your back, who choose to be loyal to you for no other reason than they simply want to. Maybe, one day, a partner who doesn't care about the loss of your youthful looks but loves you instead for what's inside and vows to stick with you till death do you part. Hopefully, it will give way to a greater capacity to love and to give, a sense of humility about your weaknesses and a sense of confidence about your strength. It is through this growth process that allows young people to become exactly what they wish to be.

That's part of why youth is so amazing. Not because of who you are at that time. It's because it allows you to choose who you will become. That's why we all hope to be forever young.

How Do I Feel? Post Grad Emotions

Last weekend, I made a milestone many of my family have not finished. I graduated college with a Bachelor's degree. While they seem a dime a dozen now, college education continues to be a luxury for many in the world, especially women. As you can imagine, this was a huge deal for my family, who all made the six hour trip to DC to see it. On top of it, I finished college in the midst of adventures, from lobbying Congress, to studying in Kenya, to now heading south for a year with Americorps. Nonetheless, my family is very proud. Yet one question sticks in my mind.

"How does it feel?"

A week later, I don't know what to say. I did feel a burst of excitement as I processed in and again as I was about to walk. Afterward, I felt overwhelmed by everyone's outpouring of love for me and teared up quite a bit (the most when my grandfather told me how proud my grandmother would have been). Yet, for the most part, I don't feel different. I mean, I still live in DC, I still work at the same restaurant that I've been with for nearly three years. I hang out with my friends. I sing/play music, I cook, I clean my apartment. I pay my rent like a good girl. I listen to music and go on Facebook. I do my own brand of light reading (usually, same stuff as school but on my terms). You know, the usual.

There are times, like just now, where I realize it, usually because I'm filling out roommate requests, uniform size sheets and forbearance forms for my student loans. I feel excited about it, a new adventure, an opportunity to serve, the beginning of what hopefully will be a long and glorious career of I-don't-know-what-except-it's-awesome. Yet I do feel sad. Sad to be leaving the city I've lived in and loved for four years. Sad that it's my turn to say goodbye. Sad that it's an end. Sad that I'll be leaving someone I've come to love dearly behind (I have hope for us, the leaving part just sucks).

To conclude, I'm not sure what I feel. I think I feel many different things, all at different times. Am I happy? Yes. Proud? You bet. Relieved? Damn straight, I want time off before I return to the walls of academia (hopefully with more purpose and drive, as well as some funds). Sad? A bit, more about leaving DC than finishing my time at AU. I feel everything and nothing but I guess that's just how life is.

What Would You Die For?

I love to travel. My love is apparent in the fact that I lament only having been to six countries before my 22nd birthday (never mind that my parents have only been to two each, my father because he was born in another one). It became pretty clear when I chose to study in Kenya for a semester, rather than graduate early. It was even more obvious when I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum about traveling with me in the future before agreeing to become a serious couple. Let's face it, I love it, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Trust me, I've seen quite a bit of ugly.

People often question this love. They never fail to remind me how it will be difficult to have a family, how I need to settle down at some point. They remind me how expensive it is, how time consuming it is, and how mishaps always occur (lost bags, delayed flights, credit and debit cards screwing up). Finally, they often remind me how dangerous it is.

The other stuff to me is very easy to work around. If men can travel with families, why not a woman? I've known several woman with both traveling careers and families. To me, that's remedied with a supportive spouse and prudence in location choices when young children are present (like, I would not be opposed to living in Kenya or Peru with a small child. I would be opposed to living in Somalia or Mexico when I have small children). Expense takes care of itself with financial prioritizing, plus I can accept jobs overseas and earn a comfortable salary. Mishaps happen all the time and make for hilarious stories later on (I have PLENTY of stories from being stuck in London for two days with no money). However, I do need to talk about danger.

Travel, like anything else, has risks. Anything that attracts tourism is likely to have pickpockets. Further, in other places, there are risks for infectious diseases, and some places have high rates of kidnappings, security threats and in some cases murder. As a woman, I face the risk of rape wherever I go (whether that's in the U.S. or in other countries but I pretty much have that risk alive or dead and that is something I've come close to facing). Yes, we can get our shots, have local guides, live in high security compounds, boil our water, wear our wallets and documents under clothes, and make sure our phones can be used in any part of the world. At the same time, I want a career in Peace and Conflict Resolution. What does that mean? It means Katie's putting her life on the line.

Yes, I may die as a result of my career. Maybe I end up in unfriendly territory, I stand up against the Mafia, I do research on a specific conflict. Maybe I catch a disease no one can cure as a result of my work. Maybe the plane crashes or there's a natural disaster. Maybe there's a fire and the building codes aren't up to par like they are in the Western world. I'm not advocating recklessness here. I would never go looking for trouble, would gladly take any health and security workshop I needed and would honestly research and discern certain placements and opportunities before jumping the gun. I would invest in traveler's insurance and always make contacts before I head to a new place. However, to deny the real and sometimes mortal risks of my chosen path would be an act of dishonesty.

In truth, I could die from just about anything, young or old. The risks I mentioned happen in the U.S. as they do in the rest of the world, albeit in different frequencies for each risk. Yet everyone dies at some point. I could not think of a more fitting death than one which involved serving my fellow man and doing what I truly loved. In addition, if I can't find something I'd give my life for, what do I have to live for?

"Sweetie, You're So Young!" Bite Me............

If I never have to hear the quoted part of my post title again, I will be a very happy woman. It seems that, because I'm on the precipice of graduation, everyone feels the need to give me advice. Some of it is genuinely helpful. Others is unwanted, unnecessary and downright condescending. I understand that I'm young and I have my whole life ahead of me. At the same time, I am a woman with agency, legal standing, and experience and I don't want that discounted.

By bare bones legal definitions, I am an adult. I am over eighteen, so I am considered responsible enough to carry a gun, vote, get married, sign a lease, have consensual sex, pay taxes, be employed full time, sign my own waivers and serve in either the Armed Forces or the Peace Corps. I am over twenty-one, so I am also considered responsible enough to drink alcohol, gamble, and carry a credit card. This is only the legal aspect. I am also an adult by experience.

How am I an adult by experience? I made the choice to go to school far from home. During the time I've been in college, I have held down a job (working nearly full time hours), paid my own bills, paid taxes, traveled by myself both domestically and internationally, lived overseas, made professional networks and gathered experience, and have signed my own leases (without a guarantor). I've escaped potentially dangerous situations in the nick of time, made mistakes, developed relationships and made my own decisions. Even with my more spontaneous decisions, I've managed to make ones that worked for me and learn from the ones I didn't. While I may not be fully developed as a person (who among us is?), I can say I know myself pretty well and I go after what I want.

So, no, I don't want to hear some condescending comment about how young I am and how I still either don't know anything or should not be taken seriously. At this point, age isn't more than a number and I've seen people twice my age act much younger than their years (for better or for worse). I may be young but I am strong and I need to learn for myself. I may fall but I won't break until it's time for me to die. Advice is good but I'm not a five-year-old. I'm an adult who can decide her own future. Please talk to me accordingly.

"But I'm an Adult!"

Many of my friends have been negatively affected by the economy and, as such, had to move in with their parents for a brief period (luckily, most of them are now out and on their own). One thing they always complained about was not being able to stay out late or bringing dates home. I said, "Well, it's their house." "But we're adults!" a friend responded.

Yes, moving back in with your parents after you've gone away to school-especially if you paid for your own apartment or studied abroad-sucks. You don't want them to see you as the kid they've known for eighteen years. You want to be treated with respect and seen as more of a friend or at least have them play more of a mentor role in your life. You're doing it because you have to, not because you necessarily want to, because you need a place while you look for jobs and save money to move out. You still want to be able to live the life you've been living for the last four years.

At the same time, I can understand the parents' point of view. They're not always trying to treat you like a kid. Rather, the whole staying out late/bringing people home may be more of a courtesy thing. If your parents have to be up early to go to work or are light sleepers, they may not want to hear someone rolling in at 2 AM. Bringing dates home may fly in the face of their morals (which they have a right to enforce in their own house) or may make them feel vulnerable (you're bringing home someone they don't know, who may steal their stuff for all they know). They may expect help with the chores or minor rent payments, as a sign of responsibility.

Neither side is perfect and that aspect of transition is a tough time. Don't make it harder by demanding your own way in the face of their feelings. It's their house. After legal adulthood/paying for school, they may feel they're doing you a kindness by letting you come home for a brief period. If you go in with that understanding, you can make your stay a pleasant one.

Venting

I talk a lot. Women, when we're together, will DEFINITELY talk a lot. We'll talk about all kinds of things but one thing I notice we talk about is our relationships. Our friendships, our romantic companions/spouses, kids (if applicable), our work relationships, we discuss everything. It IS good in a sense, to be able to talk about our lives and share ideas about how to surprise loved ones and how to navigate difficult relationships. However, one positive act of this can become quite negative. Ladies and gentlemen, let's talk about venting.

Venting should be a healthy way to expel negative emotions. We need to be able to talk about bad things in our lives so that we don't turn everything inward and become self-destructive. We need to have close friends, people we trust, to be able to do it. However, I've noticed, with myself and with others, that our venting can become destructive. With our words, we have the power to tear someone down and completely vilify them in a way that does not suit their offense. I'm not talking about domestic violence issues (btw, if that applies to you, PLEASE tell). I'm talking about how someone you care about does something that pisses you off and, even before you bring it up with them, you tell all your friends. Naturally, knowing you and having loyalties, your friends will take your side. Then, you end up patching things up with the person but your friends have this picture of him or her as the bad guy.

How we think of people influences how we treat them. Supposing your friend or partner is not a bad person but, like we all do, just pissed you off in one instant, it isn't fair to him or her to have people they may not even know judging them harshly simply because you didn't feel the need to tell THEM you had a problem with them before you told all your friends. In my faith, under the sin of lying, we also consider it a sin to disclose the faults of others without grave reason (such as an abusive situation). Also, if these are the people we love, why are we tearing them down behind their backs? Isn't love about building other people up, for better or for worse?

I say this because I've learned how destructive I can be with my own words. Physical wounds can heal without memories of pain. Words, however, can wound for life. The worst injuries we receive are the ones we cannot see. Let's use our words to bring about positive change and take some negative energy out of this world!

Politics scare me.............

So, in the past week, I have learned that the GOP is at it again, this time with bills that could ultimately prevent young people from voting and could give women the death penalty for having miscarriages or procuring abortions. While these are local bills (one in New Hampshire, the other in Georgia), these really scare me. As a woman and as a youth, I'm starting to see my rights rolled back, piece by piece.

First of all, I may be young and not completely financially independent, but does that mean I should lose my right to suffrage? Does this mean I, who have lobbied my Congressman, who have paid my rent, who's lived overseas, should not have ANY political standing whatsoever? What about MY rights, about issues that affect me? Like, financial aid from the government, the draft, my right to participate in my government, my right to own a weapon, my right to have a good time with my friends, hell, my right to marry or move out? What about the fact that I could still be tried as an adult, regardless of whether or not I'm considered one? So, you want to use my boys for service and would consider me old enough to put to death, but you don't want us to have any say in it?

Second, the death penalty? For losing a baby? Rep Franklin, you outta your freakin' mind? Or did you miss school the day they handed out sensitivity? Miscarriages are NOT FUN for women. By the way, neither are abortions. We KNOW it's a baby. It's a painful, difficult decision that most of us hope to NEVER have to make. Do you think it's fun for women (mostly young) to feel like they're not only having a particularly bad period but to know that they're losing a baby in the process? Or, if that baby was very much wanted, to know that they won't survive through birth and, by the way, their own lives/health are on the line? Or, if they already have a child, to struggle between keeping this one or being able to bring up the other child with a shot of escaping poverty? Or to relive memories of a rape all over again? So, you would condemn women to death because we lost a child? Or felt our hands were tied behind our backs? Really? Do you hate women, Rep Franklin?

Young people have fought and DIED for freedom, certainly here and certainly elsewhere. Women all over this country and throughout the world take on most of the burden to keep societies going. Why, oh, WHY does my country, the very nation that cries, "Freedom!" hold us in such contempt?

Sexual Assault and International Work

I am pretty sure we've all heard of CBS correspondent Lara Logan's sexual assault in Egypt. If you have not, read here. In any case, she was beaten and sexually assaulted for a good half hour before she was saved. It raised anger in me, as a woman, and as someone who's had her own near misses, both in the U.S. and overseas. At the same time, it made me think about a few things, namely the ideas of women traveling and working overseas.

You see, if you're a woman who wants to travel, the first thing people worry about is your safety. Sadly, people will often discourage women from traveling, whether she's backpacking across Europe or working in a developing country. If you do travel and something happens to you, well, you accepted the risks of the job, didn't you? If you're Western, well, you have loose morals anyway, right? This is because, regardless of how "enlightened" our society is, traveling is still not seen as an acceptable "space" for women. The punishment for leaving said space? Well, you shouldn't be surprised if something happens to you!

The sad thing is, rape is a unique exception to risk situations. If a soldier is wounded or dies in battle, he or she is considered a hero. If someone is mugged (regardless of whether they're out or they carelessly left their wallet out in the open), we feel terrible for them and the thief, if caught, will surely be punished. If a woman is raped, we start asking questions. What was she wearing? What was she drinking? How much was she drinking? What time of night was she out? Who was she with? Where was she going? Was she a virgin? Was she married? Is there a war in her area ("Well, rape is a weapon of war anyway!")? Was she conservative/liberal? Was she ever a criminal? We ask questions that are completely irrelevant to the crime that was committed. It doesn't matter that someone dared to force themselves on a woman (which is violence in and of itself), it matters if she somehow did something to "deserve it."

It angers me for two reasons. One, I know a ton of amazing men, as friends, as brothers, as family, and it bothers me that we live in a paradigm that assumes they are no more than wild beasts. I think men are better than that and that truly decent men would stand up and defend everyone's right to feel safe in their bodies. I am blessed to know truly honorable guys who have taken initiative in leading events like "Take Back the Night", who call their buddies on inappropriate jokes and who show that they care for the women in their lives. When this violence is justified as someone else's culture, it also carries a racist element. Having known good Kenyan men in a country where I was often harassed and grabbed helped me to work through an element of prejudice and realize that it is even more crucial for men to step it up, regardless of cultural context.

The other is that, when it comes to work and travel, if it never becomes safe for women, it can impact much of the work we do overseas. For example, when it comes to sexual violence in other countries, women will be more open about their experiences with a female journalist rather than a male. Or, in cases of economic empowerment projects for women, it is much more culturally appropriate for a woman to lead these events. In many countries and cultures, people feel more comfortable if things such as women's education, economic empowerment and women's health were addressed by females. If we cannot do this work because it's considered "too dangerous", who will? Now, I'm not trying to squash local initiatives or say that we Western women are the ones who will save the world but I am trying to point out that, where our expertise and knowledge is requested, we need to be able to provide services in a culturally sensitive manner. For women's issues, they have to be handled by females.

There is no excuse for violence against women. We may face risks that men do not often face but these are risks we face, not only when embarking on great adventures but in our day to day lives. What a sad day it is that, when we do face these risks, we are often branded as the bad girl. In the end, we lose sight of the real heroes among us.

Dear Congress, Corporations and Political Groups

Leave my health care alone.

I mean it. Unless you are going to help me access good health care, allow my doctor and I to decide my treatment (rather than convenience or my pocket book) or eliminate restrictions that prevent me from making important medical decisions, I want you to butt out.

I should not have to explain an assault in graphic detail to see if it fits your definition of "forcible" rape (rape is always forced, you idiots). I should not have to give personal and private details about aspects of my life just because I want to pick up a prescription. I should not have to listen to lessons on morality from anyone but a clergy member and, even then, at my own discretion. I should not have to get a permission slip to access a safe medical procedure. I should not have to die in an emergency room simply because a hospital deems it "immoral" to treat me.

I am not a second class citizen and will refuse to be treated as such. I have a right to feel safe in my body, should someone threaten me. I have a right to medical treatment if something happens to me. I have a right to be treated like the legal adult I am and to make my own decisions, provided they do not violate the laws of this country.

So, please stay out of my doctor's/midwife's office (unless they're doing something dangerous). And, while you're at it, stay out of my (in my case, marital) bedroom.

Sincerely yours,

A fed up American woman

An A- is "Substandard" in my School.........

OK, I always knew SIS used grade inflation. How else can you explain the amount of students who graduate Summa cum laude or Magna cum laude? Granted, many students I know who enter SIS are usually overachievers anyway, but still. On top of that, I am almost always amazed by the complaints I hear about professors. "She gave me a 94 instead of a 95!" (overheard in Ward). "My GPA COULD be a 4.0 if only my professor was fair!" "My professor makes it IMPOSSIBLE to get an A!" It is easy to dismiss these as students with egos bigger than their work ethic and a severe misunderstanding of their problems as compared to their studies (usually involving poverty, war, environmental degradation and security threats). However, you know it's worse when you hear your professors say the following about a short assignment, "If I gave you an A-, it was because the work was substandard and, if you really didn't get it, I gave you a B."

I almost died.

I'll admit, I love getting A's and I will work for them. I want to graduate with a stellar GPA too (also to make up for my premed burnout three years ago). I want to get into those awesome grad programs as well. But I grew up with the understanding that A is for "awesome" and an A or A- was reserved for work that was truly excellent. You didn't get an A because you did what your teacher or professor told you to do. You got one because you went above and beyond what they asked you to do. One of my professors actually has a great quote about this, "If you do everything I ask you to do, you will receive a B, a perfectly fine grade for perfectly fine work," and goes on to say that A's are for those who take it further. That's what I always believed. A's are awesome, B's are good, C's are OK, D's are dangerous and F is failing. Apparently, A's are now good and everything else might as well be failing.

I can understand if my professors thought, "Oh, it was the first assignment and most of the work was actually good," but it still bothers me. Have we become a generation so entitled, so forceful, so convinced that we are deserving of all good things that now people are afraid to give us consequences? Have we become like the auto industry, that is, too big to fail? Have we lost our work ethic so much that we have to get the highest marks for merely doing what we're told? Have we lost a sense of responsibility for our actions or lack thereof?

Finally, if we're all graduating with degrees in IR and plans to go into politics, law, economics and other positions of relative power, what does this mean for the world we are serving? Are we going to shirk responsibilities and only do the bare minimum when it comes to the environment or reducing poverty? Will we still expect our gold stars then? If the answer to these is yes, I am truly frightened, not only for my school but for my generation.

"What WILL you do?"

I found this blog post and thought it was brilliant. This post tells you how to answer the question, "What do you do?" As a graduating college senior, people often ask me, "What WILL you do?" Of course, my mother implied that it may not be very nice to answer with, "How the hell do I know?" so I've been inspired to modify it a little bit. You see, I am graduating with a liberal arts degree (International Studies with a minor in Economics) in a bad economy. I mentioned in a previous post that I may be living off of volunteer stipends for awhile. However, I'm only 21 and realize that people are just curious and don't necessarily expect me to have everything planned till retirement. Here's what the long version looks like.

One: I really want to go back to Africa. I know it may be awhile before I see Kenya again but the classes I took over there and the things I experienced made me curious about the rest of the continent. Africa is much more diverse than our American education gives it credit for. The cultures, the people, the imperialist influences, the music, it's all different. I wouldn't mind doing work in West Africa (of course, this may result in me asking for French lessons for my birthday). Options I have on the table: Tostan, Peace Corps and any Africa organization that I can find. Of course, this would not happen till 2012, due to application processes and, if applicable, the need to raise funds (as well as to perfect any French skills I gain).

Two: I want to do something with youth. I am applying for City Year, a program with Americorps. This would allow me to tutor children and young people as well as to work with youth groups and plan projects. This would be for the coming August up until next June. Of course, I need to hear back from them before I can make any Africa/abroad plans because my departure date depends on my acceptance or rejection from this program. If I do get in, yay. If not, I will look for other opportunities to work with young people during the year I remain in the U.S. Tutoring, volunteering with an organization that works with trafficked girls, and some others come to mind.

Three: I would like to find a way to include music in all of this. I used to do music quite a bit in high school and in college, it stayed dormant. That was, until I realized I could take voice and guitar lessons as part of my credit hours. Then, upon bringing my guitar to Kenya, I realized how much of a role music plays in culture, in livelihoods (for some people), in giving others a voice and how much it brings people together. It factored into many of my encounters with people, my research, and my dealing with culture shock. I don't know how, but I'd like to find a way to keep up. Currently, I still play, I am taking voice lessons again as well as piano, and I sing in my church choir. We'll see. I don't expect to become a pop star (Lord, have mercy) but I do know that music does fit somewhere in the grand scheme of things.

I do know these three things. I also know that I would like to go to Italy at some point for an extended period, provided I come up with funds to do so. I do not mind taking this time to experiment and find out who I am. What I don't want to do is to get locked into a job/career and not end up taking that time. I also don't want to commit to grad school (and more debt) when I'm still not sure what I'd go for (right now, I am thinking either a Master's in Development Management or an M.Div but that's all subject to change). I do not know what the future holds but I'm up for exploration.

How's that for an answer? :D

Young and Expensive

After graduating college (especially in this economy), let's face it. Most of us won't be making that much money. They call it a starting salary for a reason and those of us in my field might not see much more than a living stipend while we take opportunities to establish ourselves. At the same time, we feel like we should live lives of kings. With sophisticated clothes, an apartment in downtown DC, fancy restaurants, why shouldn't we take advantage? The problem is, the lifestyles we seek to live are lifestyles we simply cannot afford, at least in this stage of our lives. With small starting salaries (provided we achieve employment), student loan debt, and a high cost of living, it just isn't doable. Something's gotta give.

It just amazes me to see how many young people splurge on everything. Constant shopping sprees, rents close to what they make in a month, take out, restaurants, bar hopping, lattes every morning from Starbucks. Is it any surprise that we're freaking out at the month's end, wondering how we'll pay rent, pay back student loans, get groceries? Forget about saving for retirement, this is paycheck to paycheck plus a credit card! Is it any wonder we don't get to do the things we want to do, like travel more, pay back our loans more quickly, possibly save for a wedding should it come up? We miss out on so many opportunities just because we can't live without our Starbucks and our happy hours. Or because, we HAVE to have our cushy one bedrooms on the Hill instead of sharing a room in Southwest. Does this make any sense?

The thing is, we can't and shouldn't have it all right now. In order to make the big bucks with accompanying lifestyles, we have to work for it (and, for some of us, maybe consider a career change). In the meantime, we can't just blow our money on stupid things. If having your own room is important, that's fine, but live somewhere you don't have to spend most of your earnings on to afford it. If having your morning coffee is important, make it yourself and bring a thermos, or just drink what's in the office. You don't have to blow your money on Starbucks. You don't have to go to expensive places to hang out with your friends (if you do, you need new friends). You don't have to constantly shop to have a nice work wardrobe.

I'm not saying don't ever splurge. We all do on occasion. However, saving is important. You need to have a cushion in case something happens. Like, you lose your job. Or, something happens to you and your insurance won't cover a huge portion of the costs. And it's not too early to think of retirement. If you have a good job, you should put at least a small amount of savings away (and employers will usually match it). Social Security payments just don't cut it anymore and pensions are virtually obsolete. Also, if I ever develop a condition in my old age that makes it impossible for me to work, I'll have wanted to save while young to cover whatever expenses I need. Or, if my kids got in a bad situation (not of their own fault), I'll want to be able to give them some assistance.

Yes, I still intend to have a life of travel and adventure. I understand that I may be living on stipends and part time jobs for awhile as I accomplish my goals and establish myself. It may be a couple years before I can start my retirement fund. In the meantime, I will work hard to not live above my means. I need to take care of myself and to be smart about what I spend. I hope other young people take this to heart.

What'ya gonna do when life comes for you?

Excuse me for the Cops reference. All I can say is that life is coming and it's coming quick. I will be turning 22 this year, graduating college and trying to figure out at least the next couple of years. It is hard to believe that I am graduating. It feels like yesterday my parents had dropped me off at AU at the start of my freshman year. In that time, I have changed my major, held down two jobs, acquired a minor, lobbied Congress, written music, gone out with a few guys (ooh la la), studied three languages formally, went back to my roots, went to six countries, and done a bunch of other crazy things. Now, everyone wants to know, what's next, Katie?

Because I can't keep secrets if they're about me, most people know that I'm applying to Americorps and Peace Corps. The Americorps program I want would be for this coming year and Peace Corps wouldn't happen until next year. I am also keeping other options, such as a year with Tostan, an African organization I really like (the only issues are that I would have to pay for it and I need to speak a high level of French. Also, Americorps and Peace Corps have loan deferment). I would like to give a couple years of service and my passions involve development, business, youth and music. Not that they'll all be married all at once, but I've got the time to explore. At some point, I'd like to go to Italy for awhile, study Italian and music, and just explore my roots a bit further. I figured I might as well do all the crazy gigs now, go after the wildest dreams I have (provided I have the means to do so), before I commit to what people call a "real" job. Let's face it, no employer wants to hear, "I'm going to Senegal for a year, is that OK?"

I have come to realize that there is no reason I cannot do these things. The ability to travel, to give service, to be changed, to learn, to grow, those are all adventures. If I am able to make it work and take care of obligations, such as student loans, then I'm going for it. I'm only young once and I've always been unconventional. I refuse to live with regrets. When I get into a career, a family, grad school, I am IN. I just want to take care of some things first.

As Bon Jovi would say, "It's my life!" We only come around once. I want to say I went after it for all it was worth.

The dreaded six-letter word

Beauty. This word conveys so much good and yet so much controversy. Ladies, let's admit it. Most of us think we're ugly on some level. Too fat, too skinny, too dark, too pale, too dry, too oily, and don't even get me started on the hair. To make things even worse, society bombards us with images of women with skin so flawless, they have no pores and thighs thinner than my pinky yet stronger than a horse. We deal with pressure from friends, from family, from lovers, from spouses, all who say, "You would look so much prettier if you would (insert drastic, soul sucking change here)" or, "Boys would like you so much more if you would (insert torture worse than Dante's Inferno here)." Even compliments such as, "You look nice," can seem loaded, like, "you're not a stunner or anything but you look OK." Trust me, if anyone has struggled with any of the above, it has been (and still is) me. However, I think I may have found an antidote.

One, we need to take care of ourselves. There is no need for a fad diet (they don't work) but we should try and eat healthy. Sometimes, we don't have time to cook and we may not have the funds or access to organic goodies, but eating a balanced diet is so crucial to a healthy body, as well as glowing skin and gorgeous hair. Drink lots of water. Exercise according to your ability and your interest (you don't have to be lifting all the time, but swimming, walking, dance class, kickboxing class, Pilates DVD, all of that counts). Exercise gives shape and tone and also is good for preserving health and keeping us young. Of course, hygiene goes without saying and it's good to at least keep our hair trimmed every couple of months. Basic steps like these go a long way.

Two, we need to figure out what style works for us. Some women rock long hair, others short. Some like it straight, others curly. Some want crazy colors, others are more neutral. As long as it's healthy and you feel good, who cares (sometimes, even employers don't!)? Same goes for makeup (hell, if you don't like makeup, don't wear it!). As for clothes, as long as they're seasonably appropriate (meaning, you're not wearing short shorts in a blizzard), clean, and suit you (your style, your shape, your culture if applicable, etc), it doesn't matter! OK, it does, but you can still find appropriate clothing for various occasions that reflects who you are! Find what you like and rock it.

Third, all of the above means nothing if we don't try to develop inner beauty. There is a quiet confidence present in the sexiest of ladies. A woman may not be conventionally attractive yet can stun an entire room with her smile, her laugh, and her impeccable inner strength. There are a couple secrets to achieving this. One, we must develop our skills and talents, knowing we have something valuable to contribute to the world (and acting accordingly). Two, we must be humble and gracious to all those we meet. Now, humility isn't about beating ourselves up. To be humble means to not act either less or more than you are (trust me, still working on it). It means controlling impulses and only acting defensively if there is something worthy to defend (such as our lives or that of someone else's, also principles). Three, we must love other people. While many of us dream of romance, we sometimes forget the love of our family and our friends. In addition, we forget that each person we meet is just another person and should be treated with respect (which comes out of love. Not "warm and fuzzy love" but a desire for good for other people).

Finally ladies, we must love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, there is no point in trying to improve ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, we can't love other people. For the Catholic/other Christian ladies reading this, Jesus even said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Well, if you can't love yourself, you're going to do a shitty job of loving your neighbor!!! My religion teaches that we were made in the image and likeness of a benevolent deity. By nature, we ARE beautiful. Let's start believing it!