I Am Young, Married, Feminist..........And Not Sorry

Not sorry :)

Apparently, this piece by Amy Glass, entitled "I Look Down on Young Women With Husbands and Kids and I'm Not Sorry", has been flying all over the Internet yesterday. The premise of Ms. Glass's article is made clear by her title. She does not believe feminism should value women's choices equally and wants to make it clear that doing your family's laundry is nowhere near as "important" as pursuing a STEM career. Also, literally "anyone" can get knocked up or get married, according to her. Well, as a feminist who chose to marry young and pursue her dreams, I feel sorry for her.  I feel sorry that, instead of using her philosophy to help change the world and make it better, she chooses to hold onto what little crumbs of power she has and that she feels she can't make choices that would make her happy instead.

I understand the frustrations that come with being a woman with career aspirations. The constant questions of "don't you want a family?" (while your male peers never have to worry), the contradictions from society expecting you to be educated and working, yet still desiring of male companionship (even if you don't desire men), the need to still worry about your looks because, despite our education, it's clearly about shoes and makeup for us. It's terrible. But, here's what else is terrible: the fact that our society expects us to view work as our primary God-to which we sacrifice our friendships, relationships, dreams, and even our health, both physical and mental. The fact that the people who work in professions that contribute the most to society will never see a decent paycheck, much less secure employment or bonuses. The fact that people who can't work are seen as useless even if they contribute much more to their relationships and communities. The fact that, because care taking is viewed as "women's work," it will never be valued, even though it's what enabled our species to stay alive.  The fact that Ms. Glass feels her worth doesn't derive from her being, but rather from her doing and that she's not alone. Those are all much greater problems in our society-not whether women choose to stay home and do laundry (and, even then, many women feel they don't have a choice if they have kids-how much does daycare cost, again?).

As for whether getting married or pregnant is "so easy"-just because something is the dominant path does not mean it's necessarily the easy path. There are many people in this country who are legally barred from marrying the person they love (and, even if not, face quite a few social consequences from choosing to be with them). There are folks who struggle with infertility and face the possibility of never having kids, even if they want them. Even without those barriers, there are those of us who struggled to make our choices. I've been privileged enough to where legal marriage and the choice to have kids have not really impacted me in such significant ways-but my own journey toward marriage was hardly easy, nor did I make it nearly as flippantly as she suggests. For what it's worth, there are plenty of immature folks in their thirties and forties who get married or pregnant at the drop of a hat and don't care about the real significance of their choices, while there are plenty of young people who think deliberately about their family choices.

Ms. Glass's "feminism" does little more than encourage a utilitarian society to further devalue human life and strengthen a system which has decided it has little use for anyone but the dominant group.  If she is serious about making changes, putting a little more thought into her views, particularly before she poses them to the public, is strongly recommended. Otherwise, she's more like the enemy she claims to fight against.

To Change or Not to Change-That is the Question

'Tis the question if you are a lass awaiting her nuptials, even in the present day U.S.  Shakespeare allusions aside, the choices regarding a married women's surname can evoke questions and controversy.   From romantic notions and family unity to ideals of gender equality, there are people who hold strong views on the matter. For me, the decision to keep my original surname was a personal choice, but one I wanted to reflect my ideals and politics as well.

I was probably in the sixth grade when I first thought of hyphenating my name. Back then, my aspirations involved becoming a successful actress living in New York. If I were to marry, I would hyphenate and build it as a brand name. In any event, that's how it worked in my brain.  Later on, in high school, I figured I'd go with the culture and take a man's last name, but the idea of at least hyphenating stuck in my brain. It wasn't till college when I decided to keep it for good.

I read writings by Jessica Valenti, founder of the online community Feministing and author of several books.  I learned that the reason women began changing their names upon marriage was to signify them being transferred from their father to their husbands as property.  Though I know the vast majority of  women don't change their names for that reason anymore, I could not get that idea out of my head.  Further, if a guy is able to maintain his own name, identity and career before and after marriage, why not a woman? I don't see how possessing XX chromosomes makes me unworthy of my birth surname after marriage or unable to pass it along to my children, just like their father.

Yes, we are a team.  We're an equal, united front, committed to building a strong family, as well as names and careers for ourselves. However, even players on the same soccer team all have different names from one another. They are united under one team but bring their individual names, strengths, and talents to the table and are known by their names as well as their team.  This is how we envision our union, as one where we recognize the overarching goal but are still recognized by traits that make us unique, including our names.

As for whether or not our children will suffer, I've had friends from both egalitarian families and Latin American families who've inherited multiple surnames. Some tend to prefer one or the other and, when they get married, some choose whatever combination sounds better or makes sense, given their heritage.  I'm sure that, by the time we're raising heirs the empire, they'll adapt and grow like any other children.  They may have to worry about me sticking them with totally awesome names like Santino and Lorenzo. Hey, I am marrying a fellow Italian, even if our surnames don't show it!

Of course, we could actually execute Lily and Marshall's plan from How I Met Your Mother and call ourselves Mr. and Mrs. Awesome :D  But that's another idea for another day.

Catholic wedding traditions that aren't actually Catholic

1. The white dress.  That dress actually came into fashion after Queen Victoria's wedding, though I've heard white had been used in Jewish weddings, as it is the color of light and of purity.  For Christian weddings however, white only came into fashion due to it being a luxury. White cloth is very hard to keep clean and beautiful, so it was a sign of wealth to afford a dress you'd really only be able to wear once.  As time went on, we came to see as a symbol of virginity and of purity, which is why it is the color of choice for Western, Christian brides and especially Catholics, due to our strict sexual morality.

2. "Obeying" your husband. Of course, due to one verse in Ephesians, another in Timothy and some Old Testament ideals, groups of conservative Christians believe that a wife must submit to and obey her husband. People often mistakenly believe that, during a Catholic wedding ceremony, a bride has to promise to obey her husband.  That's actually a tradition that came from the Anglican church. Interestingly enough, the Catholic Church teaches that both a husband and wife must equally consent to the marriage and actually abolished arranged marriages under the Council of Trent.  Unfortunately, that is not always practiced correctly but we do believe in spouses acting as equal partners, even if our more conservative brothers and sisters still hold that the roles of each gender are different.

3. Being "given" away.  This tradition relates to the previous one, in the sense of our religion not always having the best reputation when it comes to seeing women as equals.  Further, in America, brides of all Christian denominations and in some non-religious weddings (haven't been to any other types of religious weddings to be able to comment) tend to walk down the aisle with their fathers, with a belief that he's "giving his little girl" away.  Most would be shocked to learn that the Catholic Church only reluctantly allows this practice, which actually originated in Protestant churches.  Because the bride and groom act as ministers of marriage (the priest doesn't "marry them", he serves as a mere witness) and our strong belief that men and women hold equal consent, the Church isn't comfortable with the idea of women being "given." That's why, even if a bride walks down with her father, the priest isn't allowed to ask, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" Instead, they recommend couples to walk together or at least walk separately with both of their parents but, because this tradition is entrenched within our customs, they allow it, but they describe it as the bride being "escorted."

4. Changing her last name. Most brides in the U.S. change their surnames to their husband's.  In very traditional Christian circles, including Catholic ones, it's recommended to show it as your husband being the head of the house.  Especially when a woman is devoutly Catholic, it can sometimes shock people to find out she has decided to keep the surname she was born with.  Interestingly enough, on Church documents, they still refer to the woman by the surname she born with, even if she has legally taken her husband's surname.  Further, in Latin American and other Catholic countries, women tend to keep their surnames and children are born with two surnames (and known by all of the surnames of their grandparents).  Like walking with her father and promising to obey her husband, this tradition also emerged from northern European and Protestant traditions, which is why it is so predominate in the U.S.

There are aspects of the wedding ceremony that the Catholic church is very strict about and a couple is bound to fidelity, entering a marriage freely and being open to the possibility of children.  The rite is regulated to ensure that these conditions are met and that God is given due glory in the ceremony.  Other than that, they really don't care what color the dress is, whether she's a Mrs. His Name or a Ms. Her Name, how she and her husband structure their marriage, etc. Now, individual couples, families, and priests may have their preferences but that's it.  So, if you know a Catholic bride who wants to shake things up with these traditions, remember that they aren't as enshrined in Catholicism as the public likes to think they are. 

"Oh, if you just put some makeup on....."

I am not anti-makeup. On the contrary, I do like the ability to hide my zits and show off my eyes and lips. I see it as somewhat artistic and fun. It also never used to be a female only activity. Men in many cultures would do it to show masculinity and power (btw, same with long hair). What I do hate, however, is the expectation that I must wear makeup to look attractive. Especially when that looking attractive determines important decisions such as, you know, your career and your spouse.

I understand the need to look presentable. Even if you were at a party the night before, you should still show up to work clean, well groomed, and ready to hit the deck. That goes for men and women. For an interview, you should take extra time to take care of your hair, make sure your clothes are pressed and that you coordinate appropriately. For a first date, it's good for each party to spend some extra time on their appearance to make a good first impression. However, the expectation we seem to have for women is that they should appear no less than stunning at all times. Whether we face airbrushed ads selling unrelated objects such as cars or celebrities who can afford to have makeup artists, hairdressers, plastic surgeons and personal trainers live with them, we're given the illusion of competition. Rather than competing with our intelligence, our personalities, and our good will, we're competing with our images.

OK, world, how fucked up is that? We tell our little girls that appearance (so long as you're clean and healthy) doesn't matter, that they can be anything they want to be when they grow up and that they shouldn't focus on boys so much. Yet, when these little girls grow up, we're shameless in our hypocrisy. You "need" makeup and constant change of wardrobe to get that job, that guy (what if you don't even like guys?), to impress people. If you're not one of the few natural stunners, then you especially need makeup to "show off those pretty eyes/smile of yours." If there's one thing that makes me doubt our praise of meritocracy (and there are many), it's this one.

Think of how much money we spend, trying to look good. Think of what that money could have been used for. We could be investing that money. We could be using it to pay for our grad school education, to save for a wedding or a house, give it to good charities, or travel. Think of the time we spend fretting over our looks, time that could be spent reading the news, organizing advocacy events, and finding ways to make a difference in our communities.

Makeup in and of itself is not bad. We like to be creative with our appearance. However, our societal attitude toward it is quite disturbing. And that's just putting it mildly.

Don't "fawn over" a man......(vomit)

I'm amazed that whenever I talk to traditional Catholics or visit websites that market themselves to devout Catholics, there seems to be a consensus that fawning over your man is a good thing. It "makes them feel manly" if you're a dainty, "feminine" woman who's "admiring his manhood."

Is there a toilet nearby? I think I need to vomit. I would say shoot myself in the face but A) I refuse to own a gun and B) suicide is bad.

First, I refuse to believe in cookie cutter roles for men and women. I think so called "masculine" traits of protecting the innocent also fit into being a mother (geez, ever heard of "mama bear" syndrome?). Likewise, I think a sense of nurturing helps men to be better gentleman and better fathers. In some cases, if you travel across cultures, including those with separate spheres for men and women, ladies are expected to be tough! I think attaching labels onto people inhibits them from becoming who God intended them to be and that is a grave sin. Actually, in the New Testament, Jesus had very harsh words for people who choose to bury their talents and even harsher words for those who prevented others for getting close to God. To be something other than myself is dishonesty, which is another sin. I thought we, as Catholics, were supposed to guide people to God. You can't get to Him by sinning!

Second, I think excessive ego stroking can be spiritually dangerous. It's one thing to compliment someone on a positive trait they do possess. It's another thing to constantly fawn over someone in an effort to please them. If you love someone, you should be even more motivated to keep them accountable for their transgressions, whether to you, to God, or to other people. In my faith, marriage is about helping the other person get to heaven. You can't get their by sinning! Excessive fawning may actually help them sin and, by helping them sin, you are sinning yourself. In addition, an important spiritual quality, for both genders, is humility. Humility is the act of not acting less than or more than who you are. Fawning over someone excessively does little to promote that.

Third, promoting the idea of man as active leader and woman as passive admirer can also be physically and emotionally dangerous. While people promoting these ideals may condemn intimate partner violence, they don't often realize that abusers may use these images to control their partner. Girls already grow up learning they should please other people. This carries with it devastating consequences, from fearing they cannot stand up for themselves to friends or boyfriends (fueling a lot of the gossip and resentment that poisons relationships) to abusive relationships to eating disorders. While there are devastating consequences for men (feeling they need money to buy love, feeling they can never win a girl by being "nice"), the women unfortunately pay huge prices. For some reason, I don't think this is what God had in mind for men and women. I think God created us to be creatures of integrity, which involves courage, strength, humility, and kindness from all parties.

There are many requirements that Catholics and other Christians have to follow to attain a better world on this planet and salvation in the next life. Conforming to outmoded gender roles is not only unmentioned, it can actually prevent those two things from occurring. I strongly urge all Christians and, really, all people of faith, to seriously consider these, whether you believe in specific roles or not. I don't live my life for a man, I live my life to make the world a better place, whether or not I have a loving companion by my side. If we focused on attaining that, we really could set the world on fire.

Why, Indiana?

According to this, a woman in indiana was recently thrown in prison for murder. What was the dasatardly deed she committed? She tried to commit suicide. She was imprisoned? Well, little fact. She was pregnant. Bei Bei Shuai tried to kill herself around Christmastime last year when her boyfriend and the father of her baby went back on all his promises. He had promised to marry her, had told her he was divorced, only to later reveal that he was still married and that he intended to go back to his family. In a moment of recklessness, she bought rat poison and took it (didn't work). Later on, while driving through a friend's neighborhood, she ran into a friend and her husband and confided in them about her suicide attempt. They took her to the hospital and she received medical care. Unfortunately, while she recovered, her daughter died a day after she was born. Shuai was extremely distraught by this and spent a month in the hospital, grieving. She ended up going back to her life, only to find out that doctors had notified the authorities and that she would be charged with murder. People would say, well, she's selfish, she tried to kill herself while she was pregnant! However, here's a problem. Most people who commit suicide are not in the right frame of mind when they do so. As evidenced by Shuai's reaction, she wasn't even thinking of her pregnancy when she made an impulsive decision to take rat poison. Further, she ultimately chose to accept help, to save her life and the child's and it was under a doctor's advice that she took her daughter off life support. So, if a pregnant woman attempts suicide but decides to change her mind, that's when she should be charged? Also, I wonder how many of those same people would say that she should have had an abortion or at least gave up her rights as a parent if she was going to attempt to do so. This also disturbs me because it makes the assumption that pregnant women do not have the same rights as others and should be punished harshly for behaviors that others would merely be judged for. For example, if a woman is addicted to drugs, she could be charged with child endangerment in some states, even if she told a doctor out of request for help. As many rehab centers don't accept pregnant women, her treatment options are already limited and withdrawal may in some cases be more dangerous for her and the baby. In other states, lawmakers are trying to make it mandatory for women to report miscarriages to the cops, regardless of the fact that doctors themselves don't even know what causes them. These laws don't ultimately protect unborn children. What they do instead is to deter pregnant women from seeking medical treatment if they fear arrest. Women with drug problems won't seek treatment, women with suicidal tendencies may ultimately ending their own lives instead of seeking help, and women who lose their babies may not go to the hospital, even with complications. What these laws ultimately accomplish is turning pregnant women into second class citizens. As a result, both women and children pay the price.

Assault: Where Personal Meets Political

TRIGGER WARNING!!!!!!! If you cannot handle content that deals with sexual harassment, sexual assault, or rape (yes, their is a difference between the last two), do not read this. Also, Mom and Dad, if you are reading this, you may not want to as, yes, this is a personal account.

OK, warning aside. Now for the reason. Tonight, on campus, they are holding the annual Take Back the Night event, a night to raise awareness about sexual assault, domestic violence and rape through A) noisemaking and a march through campus and B) sharing of testimonies. It's a very powerful event and one I've had the honor of taking part in. I would be there tonight, if it weren't for a term paper plus a couple computer codes.

I have always been passionate about these issues but it was not simply because I want to make the world better. The reason I am passionate is because these issues have actually touched me, literally and otherwise. While, thankfully, I have not been raped, I have escaped multiple times on pure dumb luck alone. At the same time, incidents do leave wounds. These wounds have, for the most part, healed, but they have left some scars.

When I was a little girl, I was bullied quite a bit. I had some bad habits, big teeth, a skinny, small body, and a sensitive personality. I didn't have a lot of friends and, for a long time, HATED going to school. Most of it was verbal until middle school. Then, in gym class, I noticed it became physical and sexual. I remember being slapped multiple times on the back in one gym class by a boy I liked, grabbed in the chest during games of tag (I developed early and it happened multiple times), called names like "bitch", and was made fun of when I asked a question during a sexual harassment presentation, simply because I was trying to figure out whether I should tell someone.

Later, knowing how innocent I was, kids would draw dirty pictures and show them to me, to see if I knew what it was and ask me detailed questions about what I knew about sex or if I was a virgin or a lesbian. My freshman year of high school, a guy who was much older pursued me quite a bit, to the point of being annoying, and tried to solicit oral sex from me (I didn't even know the terminology used until I looked it up and was horrified). My teacher told higher authorities, who called me into the office. I told the truth, was promised it would stay confidential, only to have my name leaked to the kid who was doing this to me. Luckily, there was no retaliation, but I was scarred by the whole experience. To this day, that was probably the greatest betrayal of my life.

When I was sixteen, I had a lot of friends but still kept to myself quite a bit. I didn't feel I had people to really talk to. One day, I was hanging out by myself (I stayed after school for a club meeting and was waiting for my mom to pick me up) when an older guy asked if I'd show him a classroom, because he was looking for a job. After school hours? I should have known better but, being the naive, overly nice girl I was at the time, showed him around. Well, that was NOT his intention at all. I got scared. Luckily, when I did, he didn't try anything physical and simply left me. Later, when my mom picked me up and gave me a lecture of not staying too long when I don't have anything else to do, it hit me how horribly lucky I was. That one kept me silent for years.

That wasn't the scariest. The scariest was when I went to a bar. I needed to use the ladies' room. When I left the ladies' room, I found myself pulled into the mens' room with my hands pressed against the wall and a lecherous grin in my face. I screamed and shouted as many obscenities as I could. Thankfully, another guy heard and pulled the dude off of me, while pushing me out of the mens' room. I didn't let myself react after that (and admittedly was quite cavalier about it) because I remembered all my friends and loved ones who were raped and reminded myself it could have been worse.

None of these happened when I was drunk (even at the bar, I had one beer). None of these happened due to what I was wearing (and I mean, come on. I was eleven or twelve when some of it started). None of these happened because I had sex before or was a sex worker. None of these happened because I started to have sex and then changed my mind. And, even if any and all of those were true, it SHOULDN'T MATTER! You don't refuse to prosecute a burglar because the owner left their house unlocked. Let me tell you something: people break into houses with locked doors and people rape women when they do everything to be safe (and sometimes, break into aforementioned house to do so, or they live in the same house because their an abusive spouse or family member). We need to start treating rape and assault like crimes, not gossip, not jokes.

I am OK. I am horrendously lucky that none of these turned into a situation that could have had drastic consequences both physically and psychologically. However, they did leave scars. Even today, I have a hard time trusting men I don't know very well, especially if I can't read their intentions. Anytime people mention "sexual assault", my back is already against the wall. And, if someone jokes about rape, it's all I can do to NOT introduce them to God in person. I'm lucky I haven't been raped. I know this. I'm lucky I have a kind, respectful, gentle partner who would die before he dreamed of hurting me and a posse of people who would probably kill anyone who tried. At the same time, all these incidents have changed me.

Assault is not OK. Harassment is not OK. Rape is not OK and hitting people (unless they're striking you or someone else) is not OK. Rape isn't a joke you can wear on a T-shirt . It's one of the greatest acts of betrayal because you no longer feel safe in your body. It is one of the worst forms of dehumanization and is sadly one of those crimes that often goes unpunished. While we must work to create a peaceful society and foster an attitude of forgiveness, none of this comes without justice. Justice does not come until we see each other as equal human beings, endowed with dignity by our Creator. Let's fight for this for everyone. Thousands of years of human history have been long enough.

Politics scare me.............

So, in the past week, I have learned that the GOP is at it again, this time with bills that could ultimately prevent young people from voting and could give women the death penalty for having miscarriages or procuring abortions. While these are local bills (one in New Hampshire, the other in Georgia), these really scare me. As a woman and as a youth, I'm starting to see my rights rolled back, piece by piece.

First of all, I may be young and not completely financially independent, but does that mean I should lose my right to suffrage? Does this mean I, who have lobbied my Congressman, who have paid my rent, who's lived overseas, should not have ANY political standing whatsoever? What about MY rights, about issues that affect me? Like, financial aid from the government, the draft, my right to participate in my government, my right to own a weapon, my right to have a good time with my friends, hell, my right to marry or move out? What about the fact that I could still be tried as an adult, regardless of whether or not I'm considered one? So, you want to use my boys for service and would consider me old enough to put to death, but you don't want us to have any say in it?

Second, the death penalty? For losing a baby? Rep Franklin, you outta your freakin' mind? Or did you miss school the day they handed out sensitivity? Miscarriages are NOT FUN for women. By the way, neither are abortions. We KNOW it's a baby. It's a painful, difficult decision that most of us hope to NEVER have to make. Do you think it's fun for women (mostly young) to feel like they're not only having a particularly bad period but to know that they're losing a baby in the process? Or, if that baby was very much wanted, to know that they won't survive through birth and, by the way, their own lives/health are on the line? Or, if they already have a child, to struggle between keeping this one or being able to bring up the other child with a shot of escaping poverty? Or to relive memories of a rape all over again? So, you would condemn women to death because we lost a child? Or felt our hands were tied behind our backs? Really? Do you hate women, Rep Franklin?

Young people have fought and DIED for freedom, certainly here and certainly elsewhere. Women all over this country and throughout the world take on most of the burden to keep societies going. Why, oh, WHY does my country, the very nation that cries, "Freedom!" hold us in such contempt?

Sexual Assault and International Work

I am pretty sure we've all heard of CBS correspondent Lara Logan's sexual assault in Egypt. If you have not, read here. In any case, she was beaten and sexually assaulted for a good half hour before she was saved. It raised anger in me, as a woman, and as someone who's had her own near misses, both in the U.S. and overseas. At the same time, it made me think about a few things, namely the ideas of women traveling and working overseas.

You see, if you're a woman who wants to travel, the first thing people worry about is your safety. Sadly, people will often discourage women from traveling, whether she's backpacking across Europe or working in a developing country. If you do travel and something happens to you, well, you accepted the risks of the job, didn't you? If you're Western, well, you have loose morals anyway, right? This is because, regardless of how "enlightened" our society is, traveling is still not seen as an acceptable "space" for women. The punishment for leaving said space? Well, you shouldn't be surprised if something happens to you!

The sad thing is, rape is a unique exception to risk situations. If a soldier is wounded or dies in battle, he or she is considered a hero. If someone is mugged (regardless of whether they're out or they carelessly left their wallet out in the open), we feel terrible for them and the thief, if caught, will surely be punished. If a woman is raped, we start asking questions. What was she wearing? What was she drinking? How much was she drinking? What time of night was she out? Who was she with? Where was she going? Was she a virgin? Was she married? Is there a war in her area ("Well, rape is a weapon of war anyway!")? Was she conservative/liberal? Was she ever a criminal? We ask questions that are completely irrelevant to the crime that was committed. It doesn't matter that someone dared to force themselves on a woman (which is violence in and of itself), it matters if she somehow did something to "deserve it."

It angers me for two reasons. One, I know a ton of amazing men, as friends, as brothers, as family, and it bothers me that we live in a paradigm that assumes they are no more than wild beasts. I think men are better than that and that truly decent men would stand up and defend everyone's right to feel safe in their bodies. I am blessed to know truly honorable guys who have taken initiative in leading events like "Take Back the Night", who call their buddies on inappropriate jokes and who show that they care for the women in their lives. When this violence is justified as someone else's culture, it also carries a racist element. Having known good Kenyan men in a country where I was often harassed and grabbed helped me to work through an element of prejudice and realize that it is even more crucial for men to step it up, regardless of cultural context.

The other is that, when it comes to work and travel, if it never becomes safe for women, it can impact much of the work we do overseas. For example, when it comes to sexual violence in other countries, women will be more open about their experiences with a female journalist rather than a male. Or, in cases of economic empowerment projects for women, it is much more culturally appropriate for a woman to lead these events. In many countries and cultures, people feel more comfortable if things such as women's education, economic empowerment and women's health were addressed by females. If we cannot do this work because it's considered "too dangerous", who will? Now, I'm not trying to squash local initiatives or say that we Western women are the ones who will save the world but I am trying to point out that, where our expertise and knowledge is requested, we need to be able to provide services in a culturally sensitive manner. For women's issues, they have to be handled by females.

There is no excuse for violence against women. We may face risks that men do not often face but these are risks we face, not only when embarking on great adventures but in our day to day lives. What a sad day it is that, when we do face these risks, we are often branded as the bad girl. In the end, we lose sight of the real heroes among us.

The dreaded six-letter word

Beauty. This word conveys so much good and yet so much controversy. Ladies, let's admit it. Most of us think we're ugly on some level. Too fat, too skinny, too dark, too pale, too dry, too oily, and don't even get me started on the hair. To make things even worse, society bombards us with images of women with skin so flawless, they have no pores and thighs thinner than my pinky yet stronger than a horse. We deal with pressure from friends, from family, from lovers, from spouses, all who say, "You would look so much prettier if you would (insert drastic, soul sucking change here)" or, "Boys would like you so much more if you would (insert torture worse than Dante's Inferno here)." Even compliments such as, "You look nice," can seem loaded, like, "you're not a stunner or anything but you look OK." Trust me, if anyone has struggled with any of the above, it has been (and still is) me. However, I think I may have found an antidote.

One, we need to take care of ourselves. There is no need for a fad diet (they don't work) but we should try and eat healthy. Sometimes, we don't have time to cook and we may not have the funds or access to organic goodies, but eating a balanced diet is so crucial to a healthy body, as well as glowing skin and gorgeous hair. Drink lots of water. Exercise according to your ability and your interest (you don't have to be lifting all the time, but swimming, walking, dance class, kickboxing class, Pilates DVD, all of that counts). Exercise gives shape and tone and also is good for preserving health and keeping us young. Of course, hygiene goes without saying and it's good to at least keep our hair trimmed every couple of months. Basic steps like these go a long way.

Two, we need to figure out what style works for us. Some women rock long hair, others short. Some like it straight, others curly. Some want crazy colors, others are more neutral. As long as it's healthy and you feel good, who cares (sometimes, even employers don't!)? Same goes for makeup (hell, if you don't like makeup, don't wear it!). As for clothes, as long as they're seasonably appropriate (meaning, you're not wearing short shorts in a blizzard), clean, and suit you (your style, your shape, your culture if applicable, etc), it doesn't matter! OK, it does, but you can still find appropriate clothing for various occasions that reflects who you are! Find what you like and rock it.

Third, all of the above means nothing if we don't try to develop inner beauty. There is a quiet confidence present in the sexiest of ladies. A woman may not be conventionally attractive yet can stun an entire room with her smile, her laugh, and her impeccable inner strength. There are a couple secrets to achieving this. One, we must develop our skills and talents, knowing we have something valuable to contribute to the world (and acting accordingly). Two, we must be humble and gracious to all those we meet. Now, humility isn't about beating ourselves up. To be humble means to not act either less or more than you are (trust me, still working on it). It means controlling impulses and only acting defensively if there is something worthy to defend (such as our lives or that of someone else's, also principles). Three, we must love other people. While many of us dream of romance, we sometimes forget the love of our family and our friends. In addition, we forget that each person we meet is just another person and should be treated with respect (which comes out of love. Not "warm and fuzzy love" but a desire for good for other people).

Finally ladies, we must love ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, there is no point in trying to improve ourselves. If we don't love ourselves, we can't love other people. For the Catholic/other Christian ladies reading this, Jesus even said, "Love your neighbor as yourself." Well, if you can't love yourself, you're going to do a shitty job of loving your neighbor!!! My religion teaches that we were made in the image and likeness of a benevolent deity. By nature, we ARE beautiful. Let's start believing it!

Workouts are for Women :)

I cannot say enough about what P90X has done for my life. I've only consistently done it for this past week (though I've tried to follow something similar in Nairobi, when I didn't have it). Already, I feel a significant improvement in my posture and carriage, more flexibility, and less stress. I had been trying for awhile to find a physical activity that worked for me, from rugby (yes, I did rugby) to running to workouts you'd find in magazines. I am happy to say that I have found one. I want to encourage all the women in my life (men too, but especially women) to find something that works for them and stick with it. In addition, I'd like to bust some myths.

1. Workouts make you look manly: Look ladies, if you're not pumping steroids, you don't have that much to worry about. You can do pull ups, lift weights, and do crunches all day long but you still won't gain a manly physique. We don't have the testosterone for that. Actually, if you lift weights, as a women, you typically go for a lighter weight and more reps, so you'll get a long, lean look. In addition, you'll have a more developed shape and better posture. Strength training also helps us keep our bodies strong for childbirth and builds and maintains bone density (preventing osteoporosis). Finally, it can work to prevent heart disease and a variety of cancers. What's not sexy or feminine about THAT?

2. Workouts are boring: Not all workouts are as seen on TV. Go for whatever turns you on. Do you like kickboxing, yoga, ballroom dancing, swimming, running, or cycling? Go for it! Of course, don't forget other aspects of your fitness. You may love cardio, but strength and flexibility are important components. At the same time, you can find fun ways to incorporate all components. Talk to your doctor or a trainer at your local gym.

3. All workouts are too intense and I'm too out of shape: I cannot emphasize the following enough. START SLOWLY!!! The only reason I can do P90X is because I was already in relatively decent shape to begin with. I had to walk everywhere, I was waiting tables (manual labor if there was any) and I was going to the gym at least three times a week. Even if you get outside for a walk for thirty minutes, you're already making change. Some movement is better than none and, if you start at a level too high for you, you put yourself at risk for injury. There are light options. Again, talk to your doctor or a trainer about these.

4. I can just lose weight with a pill or diet: First, unless this is to improve a medical condition and was prescribed by a good doctor (not one who simply wants to make nice with Big Pharma), skip the pills. They're dangerous, they've got side effects and you just don't need them. Second, yes, diet is important but not a fad diet. You need to eat a balanced diet (with whole foods), supplement for what you're not getting (vitamins and good workout drinks are helpful), and drink tons of water. At the same time, it's not everything. Exercise does even more to help maintain weight by increasing metabolism. It helps you maintain your shape and works well with a good diet. Bottom line: if you want it, you have to work for it. That's the only way to get lasting results.

Ladies, I ask you to consider the following. We are more likely than men to get osteoporosis, are at risk for heart disease as well as a variety of cancers and are the only ones who will participate in childbirth (the most arduous work a woman will have to do in her life). Wouldn't it be nice to keep our bones intact, prevent diseases that can strike us down before our times, and have an easier time bringing some bundles of joy into the world? I don't know about you, but I want to run after my grandkids and lift them up when I'm old. I want to be around for the crazy adventures I plan throughout my life. And, if I can look great in my grad dress in the meantime, that would be awesome. Hence, I keep up with my P90X. Let's bring it!!

I know I write about abortion a lot.........

Women's health has always been an issue of passion for me. I remember being ten and wanting to be a doctor, "the kind that delivered babies." Even today, I still waffle about going into nursing, midwifery, or public health or even back to a medical school path. At the same time, I remember being pro-life. In middle school, I accidentally found a website with photos of aborted babies and it haunted me. Even earlier, I remember being a second grader in Catholic school, being told (likely on the Roe v. Wade anniversary, it was January) that we were going to have a moment of silence for "unborn children murdered by their mothers." It horrified me. I think I came home and asked my mom about it and I wonder how uncomfortable she must have been with it. It seemed to always be part of my life.

My thoughts and beliefs, my ideas haven't changed. I still think abortion is hard. I don't think most of us wake up in the morning and think, "I'm going to have an abortion." I find that yes, there are ways to reduce the need. However, I have come to see that there are times when it may be necessary. Times such as, two doctors think this woman will die or harm herself. Times such as, birth will kill the baby. Times such as, there is just no other way for my family right now. I think we should absolutely provide more support to women who want to keep their babies, support such as, increased chances for education and employment, affordable housing, fair practices in the workplace, paid maternity leave, access to childcare and healthcare. I also think there should be increased sex education and access to birth control (hey world, married people use contraception too). I don't think most pro-choice people only support a woman's desire to abort. Choice also means the choice to give birth, whether to parent or place the baby up for adoption.

I also don't want women to feel their only option is to engage in dangerous activities to end pregnancy. I don't want women to feel trapped by issues (such as health) that make it impossible for them to have a baby. I don't want a girl, a little girl, to die giving birth (and lose the baby, too) all because she was abused. I don't want women to be without access to procedures that could save their lives (abortion procedures are also used to help with a miscarriage, to ensure that a mother doesn't get an infection). Finally, I don't think medical decisions belong in the hands of politicians or the public. What happens between a woman, God, and her doctor should remain between those parties.

I probably wouldn't have an abortion. I do still consider myself a Catholic. I do support organizations on both sides that genuinely want what's best. I still want to ensure that all women have access to health care that is right for them. I'm not God. I don't know all women's situations and reasons. I don't think it's fair to paint all women or all doctors with a broad brush. Women need to be trusted. End of story.

Older Post But Still.......

Some people in my life are extremely shocked by my switch from pro-life to pro-choice. I will admit, if you had told me three years ago that I would switch, I would have called you a liar. Back then, I was so committed to a pro-life vision, even planned on going to medical school to become a pro-life doctor (and would not have offered birth control *shudder*). Back then, I was also still pretty naive. I was always able to have good dialogs with pro-life and pro-choice friends yet I still believed in it. That was until I realized something: an ideology that puts an unborn's rights above all else can actually serve as a detriment to the child and the mother. It was when I started reading stories like these that convinced me to change my mind. Yes, this is a January post, but think about it.

If we were to give full legal rights to an unborn baby, what does that mean for the baby's mother? Let's say, she has a smoking addiction or a drug problem. Withdrawal is hard enough on an adult's body and can prove dangerous for a fetal one, so doctors will either put women under very strict care or tell them to wait till the baby's born (many rehab centers won't take a pregnant woman for liability reasons). With regard to smoking, they may think it's healthier for her to quit after birth for the same reason. Should this mom be put to jail for child endangerment?

If so, where do you draw the line? Should women be arrested for drinking alcohol, even one sip of champagne at a party? What about eating too much fast food? Or not exercising? Or not taking prenatal vitamins? What if women get so sick from morning sickness, they can't keep anything down and have a difficult time gaining a healthy amount of weight for the baby? (No lie, that DID happen to a friend of mine). If a baby is stillborn, should she be charged with manslaughter? What about if she miscarries?

Finally, what if a woman aborts a pregnancy? Should she be charged? I hear many pro-lifers say no, that she's a victim. OK, does that mean she doesn't have the agency to make a decision with full knowledge and consent of will? At the same time, is she really a murderer?

Having health issues during pregnancy sucks. Going through the pain of a miscarriage or stillbirth or having to make the decision to keep or terminate a pregnancy is extremely difficult. With all that pressure, do we need the State cracking down on every personal and private decision we make?

Finding a Mate

Oy veh. Dating. Those two syllables are enough to send shivers down my spine. As a young teen, if you asked about my relationship status, I probably would have told you dating was a fate worse than death. Even today, my response is usually to laugh in someone's face and make a snarky comment about not wanting to commit incest (as my male friends are "brothers" to me). Honestly, it scares me. It's not because I fear commitment. I've come to realize it's because I want it too much.

In reality, I don't want to date lots of people for fun. I'd rather learn about people, discern if there's a mutual attraction, compatibility in personality, values and life goals and, once I find that in a person, marry him. However, I find that I simply am not ready for marriage. I have hobbies, talents, and dreams I'd like to pursue first and I find my life simply moves too fast. After graduation, I don't know what will come next and I'd like to make a decision without a relationship deciding for me.

Then there's the issue of my "dude friends." I have a lot. People say the ideal person is found in someone who is already your best friend. Here's the issue. Some are truly like your brothers in the sense they may be good buddies, they may be attractive, and they may be someone you mesh with but you feel related to them. You don't feel a romantic context is possible. For friends that have the potential to be "something more", the prospect is terrifying. Especially if you are emotionally close, the risk of losing a dear friend to a bad breakup can seem too costly. Or, you may put yourself out there only to realize your feelings are completely unrequited and then it's just too embarrassing to try and go back to where you were. Though many couples are together because of a friendship, getting past that first barrier is a wee bit difficult.

Then there are my values. On the one hand, my Catholic faith is important. I attend Mass every Sunday, I do believe in things like Confession, I want to marry in the Church and raise my kids in the faith. I also don't want to have premarital sex. For some people, this is a problem. At the same time, I am very liberal politically and believe in gender equality (I probably won't take a man's last name when I marry). I've found it difficult because I know guys who will respect the faith aspect (as in, they'll go to church with you or couldn't care less if you did and wouldn't mind marrying/raising kids in church), are liberal themselves or respect a liberal viewpoint, but still expect premarital sex. On the complete opposite side of things, there are guys who would respect the premarital sex decision, go to church and practice the faith, but they'll tend to be much more conservative about even non-political issues. For example, there are those Catholic guys who think girls shouldn't take birth control pills for their periods (a situation I am currently in). Or there are those who insult other faiths which, as a descendant of Protestants and Jews and as someone who has friends of all faiths, would not sit well with me. And, I'm sorry, but I can't be with someone who defends the Pope in cases of sexual abuse committed by clergy yet thinks a woman who makes a difficult decision to abort a pregnancy due to health or caring for other children should be excommunicated.

My conclusion? I do hope to be with someone at some point. In truth, I'm not a complete cynic about romance. I understand the time will come and I will be ready to pursue it. I'm just realizing why, even as my friends are marrying, I find it so hard to cross the first bridge.

Womanhood

How come, when I refuse to kowtow to society's expectations of femininity, people accuse me of being ashamed, of not taking pride in my womanhood? If I decide I'd like to ask a boy out, rather than wait, it's a sign of denying my womanhood. Having ambivalence about parenthood (as I am young, have many dreams about my life and little interest in a romantic relationship) makes me unnatural (though I understand my opinions can change). Wanting to pursue a career and more education makes me intimidating to men. Not caring about traditional feminine beauty makes me unfeminine. Why?

I am not ashamed of my biological sex. However, I do not define my identity by what society expects of me as a female. I am diligent, intelligent, stubborn, caring, passionate, and dedicated to what I do. I enjoy making music and furthering my talents in that area. I love to cook, especially Italian, Spanish and increasingly Kenyan foods. I consider spirituality important and I do make the time to pray, attend Mass, and I work to improve my character. I believe service to others is crucial and devote time to volunteer work and activism. I place a high priority on relationships with other people. I am not perfect and certainly have my flaws. At the same time, these are the qualities I am proud of.

I don't believe people should be ashamed of themselves, irrespective of gender. Rather, I believe that we should do all we can to become more of who we are, to further our best qualities. That is what we should be proud of and that matters to me more rather than if someone acts traditionally masculine or feminine. I am not ashamed of my racial background, yet I find no need to act stereotypically "white".

Why should my womanhood be any different?

St. Maria Goretti

*This may contain triggers for sexual assault survivors*

As a teenager coming into the faith, St. Maria Goretti was one of the first saints I heard about. I randomly caught a documentary about her on EWTN (for those who don't know, Eternal Word Television Network, aka Catholic TV). She was born a poor farm tenant's daughter in 1890 in Corinaldo, a town in central Italy. She grew up a devout Catholic girl and was known for her kindness and generosity. When she was not even twelve years old, a neighbor began harassing her until one day, he took her and attempted to rape her. She resisted him physically and, as a result, he stabbed her fourteen times. She died in the hospital, forgiving the man on her death bed. He later repented (after years in prison) and she was canonized a saint by the Catholic Church. She was canonized for "defending her purity".

I have a bit of a problem with that last bit.

I don't have a problem with St. Maria being a saint. I think such forgiveness, at any age, is something to be commended very highly. I also find that she showed courage in the face of huge adversity and worked hard to show a generous and loving soul, no matter what she faced. I believe it is important for young people to learn how to say no, to defend themselves in the face of attack, and, at the same time, to forgive the acts committed against them. However, I do have a problem with the Church using her as a defender of chastity.

You see, when the Church holds her up as a model of chastity (when she's barely even pubescent), it implies that Maria somehow wanted what was done. It implies that she was fighting, not a man trying to attack her, but her own sexual desires. It implies that she was somehow "asking for it." It implies that this violent act, had she submitted, would be "her fault."

It bothers me even more because she was still a child. She was not even twelve years old, may or may not have started her periods, may have just started liking boys, and she's considered a defender of purity? Even if it was his purity she was fighting for (and she did protest the act for the sake of his soul), why would that be her responsibility? As he was the adult in this picture, why shouldn't he be considered the defender of his own purity?

Further, are women who do submit (whether to save their lives or because they simply want it to end) somehow responsible for these crimes? Are children who choose not to fight an abusive adult somehow sinning? Are people who survive an ordeal such as this somehow "less" because they "allowed" someone to sin with them? What kind of message are we sending our Catholic youth, especially the young women?

I believe we should continue to hold Maria as a saint and role model. She is a model of forgiveness, of her willingness to stand for herself and could be considered as someone who stands with those who do suffer from these atrocities. However, to hold her as a model of chastity is inappropriate, as the acts were done without her consent. St. Maria was a child who was brutally killed by an adult who should have known better. This was not a turmoil of inner demons and sexual self-control. This was an act of violence that she had little control over.

I don't believe fighting against a rapist merits a "defense of purity" recognition. It would be the same as if a murder victim was recognized for "defending life" because they fought their killer. Does that mean those who do die are somehow participating in the sin of murder? Absolutely not. Why would we imply the same for those who suffered sexual violence?

Pro-Life and Pro-Choice.....Yes, We Can Be Friends.....

My social circle is full of interesting people. From artists to economists to activists, my friends are very unique, which is why I love them dearly. After graduation, they take their own paths, whether through Teach for America, Peace Corps, the military, entry level jobs (private, public and non-profit), or other adventures. For many of my friends, these paths take them along a journey to work toward their ideals for the world. This includes my friends who work for pro-choice organizations. Of course, people wonder: As a Catholic, should I support these decisions?

While I am irrevocably pro-life, I believe the answer is yes. For one, I believe that pro-life and pro-choice activists, those ardent and pure in their intentions, truly believe they are fighting for the best quality of life for all women and children. While they both disagree on the methods and importance of the life of the fetus (the latter causing a huge divide), there is a genuine desire to reduce situations that leave women feeling stuck. They both find a need to increase access to education and health care, to remove stigma against pregnant women (especially low-income women, women of color, young women, and single women), and to love a woman no matter her choices (note I am not speaking of the judgmental, hypocritical, violent anti-abortion activists out there). While none of my money will go to these organizations, I do understand where my friends are coming from and commend them for fighting for a better world for women and children.

I also find it the same for friends who choose other adventures. For example, I can support my soldier friends, even as I find myself disagreeing with the war in Iraq. I can support friends in the Peace Corps, even if I have major problems with the organization. I can support friends in Teach for America, even if I don't find it an effective solution for America's educational issues. I can support my friends in the Foreign Service, even if I am not a fan at all of U.S. foreign policy motives. I have my ideals to live by. However, they do not include alienating everyone I know for the sake of following them. I can fight for my own and pray that God's will be done in this world. That's the best I can do.

Of course, people will tell me to admonish the sinner. First, who am I to tell someone that they are in a state of sin? Second, my faith teaches that there are levels of culpability. If you are doing something with the best intentions, even if it turns out wrong, God does not hold that against you as if you knowingly and willingly committed it with evil in mind. Third, at this point, my friends know where I stand on everything and they know what I fight for. I can only live by what I know inside is right. They can only do the same for themselves. We live in a broken world, we're doing the best we can.

I pray one day, we can all see the full picture, whether we be right or wrong. I pray that we see the beauty that was intended from the beginning of time. Until then, we're simply trying to fight for what it was. Yet, as humans, beauty is all about perception. We see what we see and we can't acknowledge what doesn't pass our field of vision.

Sexual Abstinence and Empowerment

"Why do you want to wait?" "Is it hard?" "But sex is FUN!" "You can't pay the mortgage off all at once, Katie." These are just a few of the myriad statements I hear when others learn of my decision to wait till marriage. As a twenty-one year old student (at a liberal university, in one of the most liberal cities), a self-proclaimed feminist, someone who's questioned her own sexuality, and someone who seems to have a crush a day (hey, I meet a lot of wonderful, beautiful, attractive people!), it seems shocking. Combined with my Catholicism, I seem an anamoly, especially given my previous statement. Yet I find this decision to be one of the most liberating ones of my life. To me, abstinence is empowerment.

First, I don't have to deal with some life-changing complications. I carry a ton of stress in my life. I go to school full-time, work nearly the same amount, carry some extracurriculars, plus I make time for things I deem important (music, connecting with friends and family, writing, reading for fun, church). What would I do if I got pregnant? Abortion repulses me and I tend to be a maternal person.....yet I know I could not be the mother I should be, should I be blessed enough with a child. At the same time, I know I'd grieve a baby I placed for adoption. I'd rather not have to make that choice, given the tensions I already face. I also do not wish to put my physical health at risk for STI's (even with protection....I don't trust it with my city's AIDS rate) or cervical cancer (NIH says that risk is greater with greater numbers of sexual partners).

"But there's protection!" Except, what are my options? I don't like the idea of putting (potentially carcinogenic, see WHO and NIH) hormones into my body unless I had serious medical conditions that required it (side effects also have me worried). In addition, with concerns rising about hormones in the water, I feel these would have social and environmental costs attached (not to mention, the cost out of my pocket!). For barrier methods, I'm not so sure how much I like the idea of synthetic materials entering my orifices, not to mention some also require leaking chemicals through my body (and again, going back into the water, reiterating my point on the environment). Furthermore, most options are only for the prevention of pregnancy. For STI protection, we only have condoms. What if it breaks, despite best efforts? Are a few moments of fun worth the rest of your life? I'd rather say I waited till marriage and have my friends laugh at me, rather than say I have AIDS and see tears on their faces.

Also, protection only works for the body (and again, not 100% of the time). What about the heart? Yes, I know, some people will have encounters and not regret an adventure. I am not one of those people. For those who know me, I get very attached to other people, especially people who are affectionate with me. I receive love through hugs, kisses, and other forms of physical touch. If I were to engage in sex with someone, I know that it would have to be within the context of a lifelong relationship because, for me, it would be a bonding experience. Further, I would not want its power clouding my judgment if someone were truly not right for me. When I date, I'm looking at the person as a potential life partner (which is why it remains an infrequent part of my life). I don't want their ability to romance and seduce me (in ways sexual or not) to get in the way of my judgment of their character and our compatibility.

This brings me to my final point. I've found that our over-consumerism has spilled into our romantic lives. Dating is no longer about who would make a suitable spouse. It's about who's the best at flirting, the most attractive, the most sexual, the most lavish and extravagant, and maybe we'll get married at some point. Our society has discouraged us from looking for commitment, encouraged us to focus on the superficial, and forgot one of our main institutions. Even if someone is amazing, we're expected to look for someone "better" because we're "young". When it comes to sex, they must please us from the beginning or they're out the door. If they lose their physical appearance, they are also eliminated. What a sad outlook!

No thanks. For me, I'd rather focus on becoming a more complete person, rooted in her values and embracing the crazy directions life takes me, while still maintaining a level of sanity and practicality. I'll look carefully for a spouse when I'm ready to look. When we've found each other, we'll embark on adventures together, sexual and non-sexual alike. We'll learn how to make a relationship withstand every fire, build a life through good and bad, storm and sun. We'll learn this particular dance in the same way a band learns to play together (after all, the guys in U2 were complete novices. Yet they've become a piece of magnificence) and appreciate its power and beauty, even if it's not always earth-shattering. We will embrace joy, sorrow, children, careers, age, economic booms and bust, war and peace together, until one of us dies. That's what I want and that's worth more than a thousand lovers.

Now, THAT'S sexy ;-)

Cool Organization

I am a reader of the blog Feministing, a blogging community with six editors, two columnists, and countless posters, members, etc. They take an egalitarian, progressive stances over a whole range of issues. They not only focus on issues regarding sexism, but on how sexism relates to ageism, classism, racism, ableism, and other issues regarding inequality and unfair treatment in society. I love this community because, while I find myself dissenting on a few issues (as an ardent Catholic who subscribes to a pro-life philosophy, there are a few), there are many issues I do agree with and feel I can find common ground on. So, when I saw this website for the National Advocates of Pregnant Women, http://www.advocatesforpregnantwomen.org/, I couldn't help but take a look.

Though I take a strong anti-abortion stance, I like how NAPW (an organization that claims to want to "end the war on abortion") handles it in one of their statements, pointing out that, while women all over the U.S. disagree (sometimes vehemently) over the subject, there are other issues that we, as mothers or future mothers, will face in society. For example, the U.S. is one of very few developed nations that does not offer paid maternity leave (or parental leave, if a father or other guardian wishes to step in) when a child is born. Regardless of whether the job is high-paying or not, this means women often make the sacrifice between needed income and time to bond with their children. This dilemma also leads to infrequency of breastfeeding, a vital component to nourishment and bonding that already is neglected by greater society. In addition, women face job discrimination for pregnancy, lack of access to affordable daycare (a huge problem for single, low-income mothers), lack of access to health care and sick days, and social stigmas regarding pregnancy, especially if she is a single parent.

One problem I find with the greater pro-life movement (and I've probably repeated myself in numerous blog posts) is that it negates a lot of these issues. While organizations like Feminists for Life are at least willing to acknowledge some of these, many others seem afraid of alienating a conservative audience (which sees some possible policies as "creating a nanny State") who otherwise supports them. To compound this, many of these organizations are also Christian (whether Catholic or evangelical) and are afraid of seeming to condone behaviors such as engaging in premarital sex or degrading the family (because it will be "easier" to be a single parent, rather than get married). Because of this, many will only provide Band-Aid type solutions such as diapers, formula, a stroller, and directions to the nearest WIC office.

I'm not saying we should avoid direct service, nor am I advocating people going back on their missions. I am asking them to consider some questions: 1) What about when the baby's born? In addition to herself, a mother now has a little one to feed, clothe, take care of, and provide for, one that requires a bit more expense than a pack of diapers. 2) What about quality of life? Birth isn't enough. What about opportunities for education, job training, housing, health care? What about the choices to birth in a setting that's healthiest for both? 3) Finally, pro-lifers claim their fight is for equality of life. What about the inequality pregnant women face? What about the unfair treatment they face in their jobs, their families, incarceration, etc? By extension, what do their children face, once they are in this world?

A truly pro-life philosophy includes one of equality, one where women and men are treated no differently from the rest, due to their race, class, gender, or status as a parent in society. This does not mean "becoming soft" or "condoning bad behavior". It does mean we come together to build a stronger society, one where EVERYONE'S needs are met. Therefore, I applaud the work of organizations like NAPW, like Feministing, and like Moms Rising (an organization focusing on issues faced by working mothers) for bringing this all to light.

Finally, to all the doulas, nurses, midwives, doctors, lawyers, advocates, activists, and to mothers themselves working for equality, regardless of the diversity of all of our views, I drink to you. Keep up the good work!

Why I can't stand sidewalk counseling.....

Most people who know me, despite my liberal viewpoints, would know that I'm also pro-life. I was the kid in high school who wore a Rock for Life T-shirt, complete with fetus playing guitar on the front and an inflammatory message on the back. In college, I've attended my fair share of anti-abortion protests, I volunteer at a CPC (a non-coercive, non-deceptive one, I may add) and I'm planning to attend a March for Life with my friends this coming January. Yet, I have my own issues with the pro-life movement. I don't like that none of the major pro-life organizations also denounce family planning counseling and contraceptive usage. I don't like that many politicians who claim to be "pro-life" also are too willing to cut funding for SCHIP, public education, or WIC, programs that would actually help the mother and child before and after birth. Mainly, the one thing I cannot stand: Sidewalk Counseling.

Sidewalk counselors make me ashamed to admit that I am pro-life. From my own observations (not all, but a good portion) as well as video footage (everysaturdaymorning.wordpress.com), all I see are people harassing women. They surround them like vultures, armed with Bibles, rosaries and Our Lady of Guadalupe, repeating their pleas over and over again. "Don't kill your baby, it's a decision you can never take back!" "We'll take care of you!" They don't stop with speaking or shouting. They'll do everything they can to get as close as possible to the girls and women, to the point of grabbing them (something that is a violation of the law). Some of these girls look so young, younger than my sister, and frightened. Meanwhile, you have people in the background chanting Bible verses about sin, hell, and murder. It's quite the scary scene.

I do not support abortion. I don't see it as a right. I see it as a sign that we've failed. If women cannot keep a job, access health insurance, or face a world free from stigma, have we met the needs of women? If so many of our teenagers are getting pregnant, where have we failed in that regard? And if so many health issues and complications arise from pregnancy, are scientists conducting research, in order that we may be able to save two lives? These are the questions that run through my mind.

At the same time, if abortion is a right in this nation, if it is seen as a sad but necessary evil, how can you berate those girls and women for their choices? The choice to terminate a pregnancy rarely comes easy. Most women want their pregnancies to be positive experiences. Many dream of a healthy child, a little boy or girl. At the same time, if you're just barely feeding yourself, how can you take care of a kid? What if adoption is not presented well, but is used as a coercion tactic (look up Leslee Unruh)? What if you have serious medical issues, serious enough that one or both of you could die? What if you were the survivor of rape/incest? What if you could lose a scholarship? What if you could lose your job? What if your partner was abusive or neglectful? What if you were trying to figure out how to care for children you already had?

I believe we need to focus on these ills, to focus on bearing burdens and creating solutions for these larger issues. At the same time, I do not believe it wise, compassionate or a good use of faith to browbeat these women. Abortion comes with possible physical complications (as every medical procedure does) and emotional experiences that differ from woman to woman. Yes, it ends a life. No, it's not always easy. It's scary. The whole experience is scary. They know what it means to be pregnant. They've thought and prayed about their choices. Many think it won't happen to them until it does.

Is it too much for the pro-life movement to step back and have some compassion? If we're going to make any progress at all, it isn't through chasing after people on a day that's already stressful for them.