The Quiet Time

My life is relatively quiet right now.  I go to work, keep a budget, attend Mass every Sunday, sing in a church choir, attend social events, exercise, train my voice and spend quality time with my future hubby.  It's lovely, in its own way.  It's nice to come home to one person, keep a regular schedule, to have time to contemplate and be creative, to actually finish a book and to sip a glass of wine slowly and carefully.  It's nice to have a regular community of both young folks and older folks coming into our lives.  It's nice to focus on fun but relatively mellow tasks such as planning my wedding. It's nice to have a job where I can focus on my long term career and also reap necessary benefits such as health insurance.  I have to say, I'm grateful for the quiet.

I haven't always been. I've gotten used to chaos.  In the past few years, I've managed to hold down a demanding job and live on my own while attending college, spend a quarter of a year in a foreign country, question my faith as well as my ethics and sexuality, deal with crazy housing and travel situations, visit a Native American boundary,  deal with underemployment, make close friends only to lose some of them and experience some trauma along the way.  Right on top of that, I found myself falling in love and deciding to commit to him for life.   The lows may have been low but the highs were like standing over a waterfall in Kenya-well worth every possible risk that may have led to the adventure itself. 

It's hard to get used to the quiet.  It's not easy to adjust to the ordinary.  I keep wondering when the next big thing is coming.  However, I am starting to appreciate what peace and quiet feel like.  I'm realizing I need this in order to prepare for whatever comes next.  I need this to grow strong and to develop myself.  I need this in order to become who I am more fully. 

Still, I can't wait to see what comes next.

Financial Freedom is Freedom

I've always been interested in personal finance.  During my last two years of college, I worked as a waitress and paid for my own apartment.  Ever since, financial independence has been crucial to me.

I'll admit, I have not been perfect. I'd always been a saver (case in point, my relatives beg me to do "something fun" with gift money) and I tend to have a general idea of how much is in my bank account at any given time.  However, I never had a written down budget and I find that I can spend money on stupid stuff (I'll forget to pack sufficient snacks and need to make a Starbucks run during the course of my day). All the budgeting templates I would find online were complicated and I felt I couldn't use them at points when my income was irregular.  Also, living on a volunteer stipend and later supporting my partner while he found work left me feeling a bit lean on cash.  I thought, "Oh, I can do a budget later, when my job situation is more stable!"  However, I learned that living paycheck to paycheck was just too stressful and I needed to change.

I got a Dave Ramsey kit for my birthday and that really changed the way I thought about money.    I learned not only that I needed to save money-I learned how.  I learned how, exactly, to allocate my cash each month, which goals I should strive for as I save (an emergency fund first, pay off all debts next, etc.) and even what insurance I would need (I had no idea ID theft insurance existed, much less that it was necessary).  It also has forced me to look ahead into fellowships I can qualify for when I choose to go to graduate school-no more debt for this chick!

I learned that, even in this economy, it is possible to get ahead financially.  Even when wages have stagnated and jobs with full benefits are difficult to come by, it's possible for us to make choices that allow us to get ahead.  It is challenging. It involves very careful planning and living well below one's means (for us, that means not going to our favorite restaurants).  However, if it means I can spend my life pursuing my dreams and live well with my companion (not to mention set my kids up well for school), it's worth it.  Further, as someone who is committed to social justice, it would allow me to give more of my resources to work I believe is important. 

We may not be able to control our jobs or the economy.  But if there is the smallest barrier I can place between me and the chaos of life, allowing me to ride the wave even if I can't stop it, then I have the obligation to do so.  I always want to help others-but I need to use my own oxygen mask before I can help others with theirs.  If you can, I'd encourage you to do the same.

Why I've been away for so long.......

I'll admit, I haven't been the most consistent on this blog for awhile.  I feel like my hey-days in blogging were back in 2009 and part of 2010 while I simply fell off the wagon in 2011 and have only occasionally written since.

As with most people, quite a bit has changed. I completed a year with AmeriCorps, where I worked with middle school students in the inner city.  I temped at a cancer organization for nine months and am now in a position at a different company that has me working in education and also works on international issues.  I do love my job though I'm still getting used to the learning curve (I've only been there a month). I like my colleagues a lot and they're prepping me for high level projects. In between, I'm taking voice lessons, singing in my church choir and planning a wedding that will be Catholic, Italian, with a bit of an untraditional bent.  I'm also trying to see my friends more.  In addition, I'm trying to get the apartment organized and build an exercise routine that I'll actually maintain.

There really isn't anything earth-shattering happening.  Right now, I'm just grateful that my life isn't as hectic as it used to be.  Once I actually practice build up my voice more and can start putting together a good repetoire, I'd like to seek performance opportunities.  My companion and I are talking about Peace Corps or some other long-term abroad opportunity for a couple years after we wed. Then, there are ideas of grad school, claiming my dual citizenship, possibly having a baby or two, maybe running at least one marathon......

The one thing I don't want to do is lose sight of my dreams.  But right now, it's about organization and prioritization.  With that, I see a corner of old papers that has my name on it. 

To Change or Not to Change-That is the Question

'Tis the question if you are a lass awaiting her nuptials, even in the present day U.S.  Shakespeare allusions aside, the choices regarding a married women's surname can evoke questions and controversy.   From romantic notions and family unity to ideals of gender equality, there are people who hold strong views on the matter. For me, the decision to keep my original surname was a personal choice, but one I wanted to reflect my ideals and politics as well.

I was probably in the sixth grade when I first thought of hyphenating my name. Back then, my aspirations involved becoming a successful actress living in New York. If I were to marry, I would hyphenate and build it as a brand name. In any event, that's how it worked in my brain.  Later on, in high school, I figured I'd go with the culture and take a man's last name, but the idea of at least hyphenating stuck in my brain. It wasn't till college when I decided to keep it for good.

I read writings by Jessica Valenti, founder of the online community Feministing and author of several books.  I learned that the reason women began changing their names upon marriage was to signify them being transferred from their father to their husbands as property.  Though I know the vast majority of  women don't change their names for that reason anymore, I could not get that idea out of my head.  Further, if a guy is able to maintain his own name, identity and career before and after marriage, why not a woman? I don't see how possessing XX chromosomes makes me unworthy of my birth surname after marriage or unable to pass it along to my children, just like their father.

Yes, we are a team.  We're an equal, united front, committed to building a strong family, as well as names and careers for ourselves. However, even players on the same soccer team all have different names from one another. They are united under one team but bring their individual names, strengths, and talents to the table and are known by their names as well as their team.  This is how we envision our union, as one where we recognize the overarching goal but are still recognized by traits that make us unique, including our names.

As for whether or not our children will suffer, I've had friends from both egalitarian families and Latin American families who've inherited multiple surnames. Some tend to prefer one or the other and, when they get married, some choose whatever combination sounds better or makes sense, given their heritage.  I'm sure that, by the time we're raising heirs the empire, they'll adapt and grow like any other children.  They may have to worry about me sticking them with totally awesome names like Santino and Lorenzo. Hey, I am marrying a fellow Italian, even if our surnames don't show it!

Of course, we could actually execute Lily and Marshall's plan from How I Met Your Mother and call ourselves Mr. and Mrs. Awesome :D  But that's another idea for another day.

Catholic wedding traditions that aren't actually Catholic

1. The white dress.  That dress actually came into fashion after Queen Victoria's wedding, though I've heard white had been used in Jewish weddings, as it is the color of light and of purity.  For Christian weddings however, white only came into fashion due to it being a luxury. White cloth is very hard to keep clean and beautiful, so it was a sign of wealth to afford a dress you'd really only be able to wear once.  As time went on, we came to see as a symbol of virginity and of purity, which is why it is the color of choice for Western, Christian brides and especially Catholics, due to our strict sexual morality.

2. "Obeying" your husband. Of course, due to one verse in Ephesians, another in Timothy and some Old Testament ideals, groups of conservative Christians believe that a wife must submit to and obey her husband. People often mistakenly believe that, during a Catholic wedding ceremony, a bride has to promise to obey her husband.  That's actually a tradition that came from the Anglican church. Interestingly enough, the Catholic Church teaches that both a husband and wife must equally consent to the marriage and actually abolished arranged marriages under the Council of Trent.  Unfortunately, that is not always practiced correctly but we do believe in spouses acting as equal partners, even if our more conservative brothers and sisters still hold that the roles of each gender are different.

3. Being "given" away.  This tradition relates to the previous one, in the sense of our religion not always having the best reputation when it comes to seeing women as equals.  Further, in America, brides of all Christian denominations and in some non-religious weddings (haven't been to any other types of religious weddings to be able to comment) tend to walk down the aisle with their fathers, with a belief that he's "giving his little girl" away.  Most would be shocked to learn that the Catholic Church only reluctantly allows this practice, which actually originated in Protestant churches.  Because the bride and groom act as ministers of marriage (the priest doesn't "marry them", he serves as a mere witness) and our strong belief that men and women hold equal consent, the Church isn't comfortable with the idea of women being "given." That's why, even if a bride walks down with her father, the priest isn't allowed to ask, "Who gives this woman in marriage?" Instead, they recommend couples to walk together or at least walk separately with both of their parents but, because this tradition is entrenched within our customs, they allow it, but they describe it as the bride being "escorted."

4. Changing her last name. Most brides in the U.S. change their surnames to their husband's.  In very traditional Christian circles, including Catholic ones, it's recommended to show it as your husband being the head of the house.  Especially when a woman is devoutly Catholic, it can sometimes shock people to find out she has decided to keep the surname she was born with.  Interestingly enough, on Church documents, they still refer to the woman by the surname she born with, even if she has legally taken her husband's surname.  Further, in Latin American and other Catholic countries, women tend to keep their surnames and children are born with two surnames (and known by all of the surnames of their grandparents).  Like walking with her father and promising to obey her husband, this tradition also emerged from northern European and Protestant traditions, which is why it is so predominate in the U.S.

There are aspects of the wedding ceremony that the Catholic church is very strict about and a couple is bound to fidelity, entering a marriage freely and being open to the possibility of children.  The rite is regulated to ensure that these conditions are met and that God is given due glory in the ceremony.  Other than that, they really don't care what color the dress is, whether she's a Mrs. His Name or a Ms. Her Name, how she and her husband structure their marriage, etc. Now, individual couples, families, and priests may have their preferences but that's it.  So, if you know a Catholic bride who wants to shake things up with these traditions, remember that they aren't as enshrined in Catholicism as the public likes to think they are. 

Can (Predominantly Straight) Men and Women Be Friends?

I may wonder why I am asking this question. I myself have many male friends. Throughout adolescence and young adulthood, I found I got along easier with boys. They didn't bring their drama into things and we talked about interesting topics such as politics, war and the merits of both Star Wars and Monty Python. Two of my best friends in the world are guys (and they sure like to give me hell..........be careful, I know a female relative in each of your families :D). At the same time, as I've gotten older, I've found myself reaching for my female friends a bit more. While I certainly want my "bros" to stay in my life, I have noticed friendship dynamics changing. As we find ourselves settling into adulthood (including long term relationships and marriage), we also find ourselves adding some consideration for decorum. While I do believe men and women can be friends, I also think that these friendships tend to have more boundaries than same-sex friendships do (assuming, of course, that all parties are straight).

First, there are things I talk about with my girlfriends that I just won't talk about with the boys. These issues range from, "Does this look OK?" to, "I'm on my period, I'm bloated and this SUCKS!!!" Fashion and biology aside, I find I want a female confidante, someone with whom I can just chill and talk about all sorts of things. While some of my male friends are sensitive and compassionate (and I do feel comfortable talking about things with some of them), they can't really play this role. You can't really have a slumber party with your straight male best friend, it looks and sounds completely inappropriate, even if all you were doing was chatting, watching a movie and eating popcorn. I also wouldn't find it appropriate to constantly confide in one guy when you're dating someone else. Sure, you can be close friends, go out for coffee, keep in touch, but there are just lines you can't cross. For me, I feel more comfortable having the "no-holds-barred" conversations with the girls.

Second, sometimes lines get blurry before you even realize it. It's great if it turns into a loving, romantic relationship that ends in marriage. It's not so great when you've been buddies forever and, all of a sudden, you have feelings and he doesn't. Or vice versa. That can make a friendship turn awkward. Of course, then it turns into, "I want to keep our friendship going," but this can prevent people from moving on because there's always that hope. Sometimes, everything turns out fine, especially if there are periods when you don't constantly have contact. It's harder when you see/talk to them every day. Also, sometimes it does turn into a romantic relationship only to end in a really bad breakup and consequent end to the friendship (though, given time, there is the possibility of patching things up).

I think it's good to have friends of the opposite sex. I think these friendships give us perceptions and insights that neither romantic nor same sex friendships can provide. Like I said, I love my boys! However, it is good to be prudent. You don't have to observe every gendered expectation out there (and I would tell you to challenge them). Hell, if none of this post works for you, don't follow it! Just always make sure you consider your own values, your own boundaries (of course, this should go for any friendship). For me, I've had some personal experience with these, which is why I'm writing this post. Good day, everyone!

Mawwaige! Mawwage is what bwings us togethah today!!!

Excuse my Princess Bride reference but it seems I'm surrounded by weddings. I'm attending the wedding of a dear friend of mine this weekend. Another is getting married over the summer and two more in October (sadly, I will not be able to make these, but I should note them). I am very happy for all of them, that they're ready to take this next step in life. Of course, others want to know one thing, "Why are they getting married SO YOUNG??"

Maybe I just come from a young family, but I never thought young marriage was a bad thing. With my parents, it was expected. You found someone you loved, you knew you'd be together, you married them and that was that. It didn't matter if you hadn't yet opened your retirement accounts or if you hadn't gone to grad school and had an amazing career yet. It didn't even matter if you hadn't dated a ton of people. You struggled through various events, raised your kids, and enjoyed old age together.

Before you color me rose, I should acknowledge the couples who did and divorced later on. Yes, there are those who should have taken time to figure out life, to learn how to stand on their own two feet, who should have explored other options beforehand. I'm not saying everyone should marry young, but I am saying that young marriage does not automatically equal a bad marriage.

Now, I will attempt to answer some of these myths surrounding young marriage.

1. You need to have a career first: While I do believe you should both learn how to live independently and become financially stable, I don't think building a glamorous career is a prerequisite to marriage. First, we change jobs and careers so much now that we'd never marry if we took this advice. Second, when did marriage become an impediment to having a career? I'm pretty sure that if someone loves you enough to want to make a life with you, they should support you in following your dreams. Also, dreams can change. As long as you both are on the same page, I don't see this as a problem.

2. You need to shop around: What's the point? I don't buy the whole, "You need to kiss a ton of frogs before you find your prince." I'm pretty sure kissing is an acquired skill, one that comes with lots of practice, so if that's what you're worried about, fifty to sixty years could bring a ton of joy in that regard ;-) Second, I could get to know tons of people as friends and, if there's commonality and chemistry, THEN decide to take it to the next level. If I find that they truly are the one for me, why do I need to go out with someone else if I have no interest in them? Finally, if I'm preparing for a lifelong commitment, I find "serial monogamy" to be an impediment.

3. Young people only get married for the sex: That may be true for some people. However, I doubt this is true in all cases. First, I find that the people who say this often advise young couples to "know how the other is in bed" before you marry them. I don't think I need to repeat my "practice" comment here. Second, I know plenty of young, engaged couples who are sexually active now. I would conclude that they are getting married for more than just sex. For the ones who aren't, they understand that sexuality is fluid and that they can learn from each other. For both sets, they know that their "better half" is the one they want to be with in every way. Why should they delay it arbitrarily?

4. Young marriages always fail: Given the statistics for divorce combined with the rising age of marriage, I'd say that half of all marriages, young and not so, are doomed. No, you cannot know what will happen in the future. Yes, people change with age, with children, with life and it's not always good or bad. When you marry, you make a commitment and take a risk. However, if we didn't take risks, we'd never leave. The only issue that arises is if a couple is ready for such a risk. Some young people are, some older people are not. It depends on the person.

There are pros and cons to both marrying young and waiting. Marriage is a much bigger commitment than a career or a house. Yet delaying marriage for the sake of delaying is nonsensical. Only the couple can determine whether or not they're ready. Let us give support to those entering such a commitment, as well as those who've made it. Let us give warnings when there is cause and affirmations when things are well. Finally, let us raise our glasses and celebrate with our friends and family!