Saturday, April 23, 2011

Emotions and Explosions

I am an emotional person. I'll admit, though, I don't like to be. I like to be the tough, snarky girl who doesn't cry. I'll sit through Braveheart and Finding Neverland with a steely gaze. I've always been known to keep stuff inside (to the point of explosion). I hide emotionally because I'm not good at it. I was always the weak one, the one who needed physical therapy and who was sensitive to bullying (for the latter, I felt like it was my fault. Yeah, by the way, that's bullshit, but people have no spine). Then, things happened and, as mentioned in my Take Back the Night post, adults didn't respond to me, so I virtually shut down until my freshman year of college. Things have gotten better and I've found more of a balance. At the same time, this semester has been a crazy outpouring of emotions. I'm able to control it during school and work. My friends and boyfriend, however, have had to deal with flash floods as a result of Hurricane Katie.

I know why it is. It's my last semester of school. I've been loaded with work and I haven't felt motivated to do it(no worries, it's getting done, but it's a battle of wills. Prof always beats me). That's a combination of feeling overwhelmed and guilty. I have to move out in a week and a half. I graduate school in just over two weeks. I'm moving to a part of the country I have little experience with. I'm saying goodbye to friends. I didn't expect to get into a serious relationship but I am and I'm dealing with that, as well as a subsequent meeting of the parents. I still have to work, at a job I don't particularly enjoy, but I'm trying to be thankful for some short term employment. To put it lightly, it's a lot.

I know I don't have to deal with every single thing right this second. I know I'm just tired. I know I'm not alone. I know I'll be so relieved/happy/excited when I walk across the stage. I know my dad's not going to buy a gun and threaten my boy with, "You make her cry and I'll make you cry" (not so sure about my grandpa.......;-) And my girlfriends DID ask if they can still keep their baseball bats.....). I know I'm going to do fine in school without harm to my GPA and that it doesn't matter as much (not letting it all slide but you know). I have had several friends move around and I know people will come and go in my life as they are meant to. I know this.

Despite knowing this, that's what I'm feeling and I'm OK with that.

Now, time for P90X. Then, back to the grind until church and a subsequent Easter party. Because there ain't no party like a Catholic party and the Catholic party don't stop! :D

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