When bullying becomes dangerous

One of my childhood friends called me a few days ago. I was out, so I asked if I could call her back. She said yes. Later that night, when I got home, I checked my Facebook (as I usually do) and saw that she sent me a message. Her message included a link to news of a court case. From the first couple of lines, I knew it was about a dear friend of hers who committed suicide four years ago. Apparently, the boy was tormented by bullies to the extreme. While teachers had witnessed the event, my friend said that they would simply ask the bullies to calm down. The bullies were respected athletes and the teachers apparently cared more for their reputation than the boy's right to feel safe in a learning environment. Unfortunately, the judge declared that the school had no "special relationship" with the students and that they did not have responsibility in the death of this particular student. In response, my friend has written a petition to the U.S. Secretary of Education, stating a need to clarify teachers' roles in demanding accountability for bullies and making students feel safe. Here is the link to the petition as well as the link to the court case.

This all occurred in my friend's hometown, which unfortunately has a reputation for teen suicides. The reasons for these suicides involve excessive bullying. While I don't know all of the details for each individual student, it seems that there is an extreme lack of oversight into students' interactions. My friend is the daughter of a teacher (one who taught in that area) and is studying to become a teacher herself. Through her studies and her discussions with her mother, she has found that teachers must serve as "first responders" to crisis. While the teachers themselves may not have control of what students do at home, they do have the ability to intervene when a student faces intimidation or harassment. Through this, they have the ability to foster a respectful classroom community. As my friend witnessed, they did not. Due to teachers' authority and responsibility, it is natural that she finds this criminal.

I am asking all of you to please sign my friend's petition. In the U.S., it's obligatory to educate our children, usually by having them attend school 180 days of the year. As such, we expect that our children be safe and that our teachers diffuse any hint of a bad situation. More importantly, we are often taught that education is the great equalizer, the key to allowing others to follow their dreams. Those dreams are in vain if we are simply left with dead children.

So much and yet so little

My life feels like I'm in a doldrum zone right now. Between the excitement of my college graduation, Americorps offer, and first serious relationship, my last semester was an intense wave of excitement. Before me lies an intense year with Americorps, one that I am sure will challenge me. Right now? Aside from waiting tables, seeing the boyfriend, filling out paperwork, looking for roommates and housing and reading Margaret Atwood novels (courtesy of a roommaate), my life isn't that exciting.

In a way, it is refreshing. I need time and space to breath. I have time to get in shape, to finally restring my guitar properly and play it, to spend time with friends, develop my relationship with my boyfriend, and to make some cash (very little extra). I need time to process the past few months and prepare for the next. Most importantly, I need time to do what I want to do. This fall, I'll be working ten hour days. I'll likely get home around 7, which leaves time to work out, eat dinner, prepare my clothes and lunch for the following day, and get ready for bed (hopefully, some nights I can see the boy). Weekends, I'll want to do my errands, see boy and friends and go to church. I get five days per semester to take sick leave or vacation.

Just writing all that made me feel tired. I'll admit, a part of me wonders if I'm truly cut out for this. I know that, despite my propensity toward stress, I thrive in the midst of chaos. Whether I was working nearly full time while taking upper level classes or studying while working in poor parts of Kenya and braving a four hour commute every day, I ended up succeeding. I want to do this work, I want to see where it leads me, I do want to have this experience. However, like before every big change, I'll admit to feeling nervous.

Why intimate relationships matter

While I do not agree at all with most of those politicians who say they promote family values, I see validity in one of their points. The family is the backbone of society and how we treat and value families is a reflection of what we want our society to look like. For this reason, I tend to focus more on intimate relationships in my blog posts.

Think about it. How you treat your partner and how you expect them to treat you is a reflection of what kind of society you want to live in. Do you want a society directed toward complete equality? Or are you more of a fan of equity (equal in worth and dignity but geared toward different roles)? What kind of family would you like to raise? What kind of community would you like to live in and help shape?

I find this true in my own life. I want a society that values women's place at work as much as at home and shows this through measures such as equal pay, maternity leave, and public support for breastfeeding. I want a society that values men's place in the home as much as at work and encourages this through measures like paternity leave and public support for fathers who choose to spend more time with their kids. I want a society that doesn't simply uphold suburban living as a method of raising good kids but upholds all types of communities, whether they be rural, urban, or suburban. I want a society that encourages community, whether or not it is comprised of a large extended family or simply like-minded folks who strive to help each other. I want a society that truly values families and supports this through supporting quality education, benefits for working poor families, and adequate leisure time for families to enjoy each other. So, why would I not expect this all from my partner?

Maybe I want to live in an urban setting. Maybe I want a good job that allows me to not only survive but to put money aside for things like vacations, my kids' college, etc. Maybe I want to only have two or three kids and focus my resources on raising them well, with opportunities I wasn't able to have growing up and that my parents could only imagine. Maybe I want my girls to see that they have potential and my boys to learn that girls are just as worthy of respect. Maybe I want a man in my life who respects me, who doesn't dismiss certain work as "women's work," and who understands that I will carry the full burden of pregnancy and breastfeeding, even if we split up other acts of child rearing fairly. Maybe I want a man who doesn't care if I make more money than he does and puts more emphasis on his character than on his dick. (Luckily enough, I'm currently with a kind, compassionate, pro-gender equality guy, but I don't want to say anything too soon if ya'll get my drift).

Personal is always political. My personal choices in life are a reflection of my worldview and my worldview is a reflection of my choices. Thus, I do think we need to consider the way we form and treat our own families as an extension of our politics. Families form society. If we want to change things, this is where we start.

Transition

I never really considered the aspect of transition from college. I've been paying my own rent for two years now, so that's not new to me. I won't have a "real job" for about a year, depending on what else comes up (companion and I are considering a stint abroad but we'll see). I still feel like I'm enjoying a college summer, due to the fact that I'm still a waitress and, when I'm not working, I'm either hanging out at my place, or enjoying time with my friends and boyfriend. As for my friends having "real lives," a good portion of my friends are considerably older and I've been attending weddings and greeting their new babies for quite some time now. However, I've been feeling the transition nonetheless.

Some of it comes from the fact that, when I obtain my lease for the coming year, I will probably not have college roommates. I will also no longer be tied to living near school. I can live downtown, in areas with good neighborhoods and affordable pricing, near metro stations that will likely take me to work. While my companion and others will still have papers and class schedules, I will be working from morning till evening and have a consistent schedule (for once). Appearance will take a greater priority as I'll have a uniform and be expected to look professional and well groomed at all times (not quite the same as a restaurant uniform). My conduct, which has always mattered to me, will matter even more (dear self, please wash your mouth out with soap.......several times).

I will not be purchasing textbooks this fall. Instead, I've been trying to add some adult pieces of clothing to my wardrobe, with the understanding that dress matters if others will take me seriously. I also need to accommodate for hips I seem to have sprouted overnight. I also have decided to take driving lessons, now that I can change my permanent address, and finally obtain my driver's license.

Christians and Tattoos: Compatible?

For years, I've been playing with the idea of a tattoo. For awhile, I had settled on a red fleur-de-lys, a symbol of both Scotland and Florence (two parts of my ancestry). However, due to the fact that they are both different, I changed my mind and decided on a thistle and a sunflower intertwined. Though I am composed of the blood of about five to six nations, I identify heavily with both my Italian and Scottish ancestry just because they seem to sum up my personality. Fiery, passionate, fierce, hungry for adventure, willing to eat many interesting things (haggis and rabbit, anyone?), lovely music (including bagpipes in BOTH nations), and an appreciation for sexy accents, as well as a healthy dose of stubborn, stubborn, stubborn, it's no wonder that I identify with it and would like to honor my ancestors with some ink in my skin. Of course, Catholic girl that I am, I often hear from Christians who wonder if tattoos are acceptable. Should a good Christian girl participate? Let's see.

Critics draw from a verse in the Old Testament that states, "Do not put tattoo marks on yourself...I am the LORD" (Leviticus 19:28 paraphrase). However, while it's easy to take this as a command from God, Leviticus commands many things, such as not to eat pork, not to wear two different fabrics, not to raise two crops on one area and that women were unclean during menstruation. Most Christians today would not bar a menstruating woman from participation during worship, think twice before putting on that cotton-polyester blend shirt, or eschew bacon and some of us environmentalists find that polyculture is much better for the environment.

How did we come to turn our backs on these rules? While Jesus and the apostles were observant Jews, they also expected His message of justice, mercy, and peace to spread to all peoples. Jesus kept the Law in His life but also made statements about how people's actions made them clean or unclean, not necessarily their food choice or their customs. St. Paul took this further by stating that works of the Law do not save people because, if they did, Jesus would not have had to die on a cross for humanity. Thus, it was not necessary for converts to Christianity to essentially become Jewish as well (probably a good thing for adult male converts ;-)). While we honor the place the Law had in our history, we also understand that it was meant for a time when cultural cohesion was literally a life or death situation. Christianity, however, was meant to be universal while the Law was meant for one people.

As a Catholic, this means I can get a tattoo provided that it does not send an anti-Christian message, it doesn't involve poor stewardship of my resources (such as my bank account) and, if I were a minor child, did not involve disobeying my parents. At the same time, I think having tattoos can be positive for a Christian. It shows that Christians are comprised of different peoples, from different backgrounds, cultures, points of view and styles. I can have a tattoo and be a good Christian, just like I can drink responsibly, date, live on my own, hold a politically progressive stance, go to a secular college, play rock music and wear jeans and still be a good Christian. Christianity is not a question of how I look. It's a question of how I live. As long as I work to uphold my principles, I don't think God really cares about the ink in my skin.

Plus, I'm honoring ancestries that produced some of the best in Christian theology, both Catholic and Protestant! So, it can only be a Christian tattoo :)

Not stuck in a role

One of the reasons I was so reluctant to even consider a relationship for a long time was due to the fact that people kept reminding me of "women's roles." I'd hear it from the more traditional crowd who believed women should marry young, have their kids, and let their husband provide. I'd hear it from the liberal crowd who'd say, "Screw it, have your life, your travel and your fun before you settle into that." Of course, my main question was, why can't I have both?

Obviously, marriage and children require sacrifices, sacrifices I can't think of making till I have a steady source of income. Hence, God willing this goes well, I'm putting such a huge decision off for a good couple of years. This will allow me to make sure I'm making a good decision, give me time to really see my companion for who he is and vice versa, and give us time to get on our feet and do things we want to do, like travel. Even if we decide in two or three years that it is something we want, engagement lasts six months to a year in the Catholic Church and, far from simply planning a wedding, it's a time of greater discernment, to ensure that you're making the right choice. My faith doesn't approve of divorce, thus our leaders aren't really big fans of shotgun weddings anymore (which is probably why the American Church is giving so many annulments--to correct for past mistakes).

At the same time, these sacrifices don't have to require either party to fit into gender roles. I made it clear from the beginning that I would never date a man who didn't believe in gender equity. That means, he couldn't assume I'd automatically stay home with the kids, should support me in my career goals as well as other aspects, had to believe women deserved equal pay and had a place in political office, and could not turn up his nose at the idea of a father having a more flexible career (sometimes, you would not believe how hard this is to find in devout Catholic circles). This doesn't mean I never stay at home, as that could depend on whose career is more lucrative vs. whose is more flexible. Yet I have options that my mother probably would not have had. I could work at home. One of us could go part time. Offices are becoming more amenable to things like paid maternity leave and day care (especially for the types of things I'm interested in). Work places are becoming more friendly to breastfeeding moms and to fathers who want to take an active role in their children's lives (whether going home to see a sick child or to take time to attend school plays, sports games, and music performances). I know women who have traveling careers and still have minor children at home. I know Catholic and other Christian couples who have made these choices.

Finally, if anything, I've learned you can never plan surprises. I have liberal friends who declared they would not marry till their mid-thirties, when they had good careers

Thoughts on Careers

I was talking to a friend and coworker of mine the other day. She had started school majoring in International Studies, switched to Environmental Studies, but things happened and she took a break that resulted in her working at the restaurant. Now, a few years later, after working full time and taking classes off and on, she has made the decision to go back to school in her home state and be a nurse. It incorporates many of her interests, will give her an interesting and rewarding career, and put money in her bank account. As she was telling me this, I couldn't help but think.

A lot of us idealists end up majoring in the humanities and social sciences. These are good and worthy pursuits but there are some practical ways to make the world a better place. Health care, engineering, business are some I can think of. The issue is that we seem to be scared off by these, whether due to math or science or due to our feelings about corporations. I'll admit, I've struggled with these feelings myself, having burned out of a pre-med program my freshman year and taking environmental and development courses that, for awhile, soured my view on corporations.

A couple things happened. One, I realized that, despite my burnout, I do have an aptitude for both math and science. I may have to spend more time to truly get something but that's different from not having talent at all. Two, I had a roommate who was a business major and felt I learned a lot from her perspective. Three, the internships I had focused on the need for people in poverty to become financially stable and independent. Four, I am fascinated with finance myself, especially since I've had to learn much in the way of personal finance. Five, depending on who you work for, business school could actually be free. And finally, I'll admit, I want a job that allows me to travel and make a good salary. I do intend to have a family some day and, well, I'm a city chick. Cities are expensive. I tend to go for guys who are into the humanities. You do the math.

In addition, there are a lot of good things I can do in the world of business. I can encourage partnerships between corporations, small businesses, non-profits, and communities. I can aid people in starting small businesses, do work in extending financial literacy education, and help with sustainable practice that respects workers and the environment. I could help market low cost, low tech products that pull people out of poverty (low tech products that allow for higher yields of agriculture, for example). I could aid people in getting access to capital. There are actually quite a few possibilities here.

I'm obviously not jumping the gun yet. However, it does give me an interesting perspective about what I could do with my career. One can still do good things for society, practical things that are needed just as much, while making a good salary. I also want some skills. I need to be able to do something besides write well academically. Speaking languages helps, but I want a skill I can give. And, while money isn't everything, it is nice. Considering I want to pay off my loans, travel the world, live in a city, and, yes, have a family, money is actually very nice.