Saturday, January 5, 2013

A list of annoying wedding stereotypes and hypocrisies

1. White Dress = Good Girl: I cannot tell you how, when I originally thought of wearing a colored dress (I ended up with a white and red gown), women would tell me that I'd somehow be impure for choosing it.  What was interesting about these allegations is that these same women thought nothing of bringing home someone they didn't know, while I was the goody two shoes.  Even more, they would tell me that I needed to "loosen up" and "be liberated."  So, I'm supposed to have tons of sex but not look like I ever have?  Makes perfect sense.....

2. Be independent, but your guy's ego is most important: We're always told to be "liberated," to have a career, take control over our love lives, live on our own, etc.  But, God forbid, you choose to keep your last name or pursue a career that allows you to make more money/take a higher level position than your man (assuming you're in a heterosexual relationship).  Then, there are all sorts of accusations that you don't quite love your sweetie "enough", because his "male ego" will be destroyed. Of course, women should feel free to take their husband's name if that's what they want or pursue whatever career they want. However, the key word is choice.

3. Don't get married young, but you're a spinster at 30: Biological clock, blah, blah, blah.  We tell women to not get married "too young" because they need to "find themselves", yada yada. However, if they are still unmarried by 30, we're told to feel sorry for them? Love comes when it comes and it doesn't always fit convention.  Besides, there are many ways to have children and we're more than our parts anyway.  I want a companion, not someone simply looking to grow a seed.

4. We don't like religion, but we'll oppress you with wedding "traditions": Follow the morals of your faith, especially the strict ones, and even your family will think you're irrational.  However, choosing to walk down the aisle with your spouse in lieu of your father, taking pictures together before the ceremony starts, and having your man come along to help you pick out a gown means you're doomed to an eternity of marital hell.  I think my brain just exploded.......

5. You both need a day to be "wild' even if you wouldn't while you were just dating: If you know your spouse would disapprove of wild bachelor/bachelorette parties, especially if they involve excessive drinking or strippers, why would do it? And what kind of company do you keep if your friends would force you to do it? If you're both comfortable with the decision to spend the rest of your lives together, especially since you chose to get engaged, why would you feel the need to, if it would hurt their feelings? 

6. Get pregnant right away, even if we told you not to: It seems that, once you do get married, everyone wants to know when your gametes will combine to form a unique zygote. Never mind that, up until your wedding, they were telling you to do everything, short of selling your soul to Satan, to not get pregnant.  Word to family and friends-it's kind of creepy that you'd want to be in the marital bedroom at all.  We'll let you know if plans change. Thanks.

7. Don't be vain, but go in debt: We love to criticize over the top brides with lavishly expensive ceremonies (and call them bridezillas when the stress makes them crack). However, if you choose a small ceremony, a less lavish venue, or don't have an open bar, people act like you really don't care about your wedding.  Vendors will price gouge you just for inserting the word "wedding" into the event name and on top of it, they won't allow your fiance to ask questions or get involved-I've had the unfortunate experience of a vendor pretending mine wasn't even there.  Bottom line, it's only your opinion, your money/your parents' money and your attention that matters, no matter what.  However, if the stress makes you crack, you've descended to the depths of reality TV. Sorry, just the way it is, folks.

8. Love your body, but diet for your dress: Probably one the dumbest things I've ever heard.  Not only is it just a dress, it's a dress intentionally made to primarily fit the largest parts of your body (read: boobs) with the idea that stress will force you to lose a few pounds and then they can charge you around $300 for alterations.  By the way, diets don't work and I can't see how depriving yourself of your favorite foods is helping your stress-maybe that's why brides get a little cuckoo.  Men and women should eat reasonably healthy and try to exercise at least three times a week.  At the end of the day, does it matter that you had the perfect body?

9. Carefully choose food, alcohol and cake that you can't enjoy: You have to spend a lot of time and money on all three of these. Yet, when it comes to the day, you spend so much time working the room, you barely get a chance to eat. On top of it, you're wearing a dress that costs a month's rent (on the cheaper end) and people are clinking their glasses every five seconds (note to future guests-we are going to ignore you if you do).  It's based on this whole idea that the wedding is about your guests more than you.  Honestly, though, if you're celebrating the couple, wouldn't you want them to relax and enjoy themselves? Also, if the bride is already a bit stressed, wouldn't food do her some good?  Seriously, people, it's pretty ridiculous.

10. Your wedding is and isn't about you: Especially if you were born a woman, people tell you that your wedding day is "your day."  Well, if it's truly your day, you should be able to make decisions about what traditions you want and don't want, how you choose to celebrate and honor your commitment and what roles to give people without any backlash whatsoever.  A wedding should reflect a couple as they are and use traditions that reflect their values and unique relationship.  Whether they choose a place of worship or an aquarium, create their own surname or serve all vegan cuisine, it should fundamentally be their choice and no one has the right to coerce them.  Not all traditions are good and not all modern ideas are evil.  If we truly believe in choice, we need to live by it.  Maybe we wouldn't see a lot of premarital stress and jitters if we simply honored that rule.

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