I'm Conventionally Beautiful......And I Hate It

By society's definition, I am conventionally beautiful.  I'm a white woman.  I'm young.  I possess a body type that is coveted in our society.  I've been told I have a great smile.  I don't possess any physical disabilities or disfiguring characteristics.  Of course, that should be important right?  What is a woman, if not beautiful?

I friggin' can't stand it.

First of all, my physical appearance is something I did not attain.  It says nothing of who I truly am or have become on the inside.  One can have straight teeth, perfect skin, and shiny hair and still possess an evil soul.  Further, we portray beauty as something that can be attained through discipline and hard work.  While exercise, healthy food, a carefully selected wardrobe and the right hygiene products can help a person feel good and can lead to improvements, it cannot guarantee that we will attain the looks so coveted by society, which segues into my next point.

Beauty is very narrowly defined by our society.  The attractive woman is always white, with very few exceptions for women of color-usually when they want to portray someone as "exotic" (and they still largely have European facial features and straight hair).  She always has a tiny waist and hips, with minimal body fat, yet manages to carry a large wrack.  She never has any physical disabilities or experienced disfiguring effects of a disease or accident.  When was the last time you saw a woman with a wheelchair on the cover of Vogue?  Or a woman with a missing limb? Yeah, that's right. Never. Maybe once. In addition, she is always young.  Why else do middle aged men, with wives of the same age, feel so free to joke about wanting to make it with a teenager?  Once you hit forty, you may be the mother of a beautiful daughter, but you're no longer beautiful yourself.

Why is it so problematic that we have such a narrow definition of beauty? The problem is, while men are valued for what they contribute (particularly if they're white/Christian/straight/middle class/able bodied and minded), women are solely valued for looks alone, followed by fertility.  Our destiny is contingent solely on having the ability to get people to want to glance at us. Our ability to have a fulfilling career, a loving partner and a happy life is contingent on people not being repulsed when they see us.  

But, I benefit from it.  Why should I hate it?  I hate it because I know I'm a pregnancy/car accident/illness away from losing my ability to be seen as a human being.  I don't want to be known for my looks.  I want to be known for what I do.  Why is that so hard to understand?

Financial Freedom is Freedom

I've always been interested in personal finance.  During my last two years of college, I worked as a waitress and paid for my own apartment.  Ever since, financial independence has been crucial to me.

I'll admit, I have not been perfect. I'd always been a saver (case in point, my relatives beg me to do "something fun" with gift money) and I tend to have a general idea of how much is in my bank account at any given time.  However, I never had a written down budget and I find that I can spend money on stupid stuff (I'll forget to pack sufficient snacks and need to make a Starbucks run during the course of my day). All the budgeting templates I would find online were complicated and I felt I couldn't use them at points when my income was irregular.  Also, living on a volunteer stipend and later supporting my partner while he found work left me feeling a bit lean on cash.  I thought, "Oh, I can do a budget later, when my job situation is more stable!"  However, I learned that living paycheck to paycheck was just too stressful and I needed to change.

I got a Dave Ramsey kit for my birthday and that really changed the way I thought about money.    I learned not only that I needed to save money-I learned how.  I learned how, exactly, to allocate my cash each month, which goals I should strive for as I save (an emergency fund first, pay off all debts next, etc.) and even what insurance I would need (I had no idea ID theft insurance existed, much less that it was necessary).  It also has forced me to look ahead into fellowships I can qualify for when I choose to go to graduate school-no more debt for this chick!

I learned that, even in this economy, it is possible to get ahead financially.  Even when wages have stagnated and jobs with full benefits are difficult to come by, it's possible for us to make choices that allow us to get ahead.  It is challenging. It involves very careful planning and living well below one's means (for us, that means not going to our favorite restaurants).  However, if it means I can spend my life pursuing my dreams and live well with my companion (not to mention set my kids up well for school), it's worth it.  Further, as someone who is committed to social justice, it would allow me to give more of my resources to work I believe is important. 

We may not be able to control our jobs or the economy.  But if there is the smallest barrier I can place between me and the chaos of life, allowing me to ride the wave even if I can't stop it, then I have the obligation to do so.  I always want to help others-but I need to use my own oxygen mask before I can help others with theirs.  If you can, I'd encourage you to do the same.

Carpe Diem

The title of this blog post might as well be my life's motto.  I never felt it was acceptable to become too comfortable.  The world is just too full of every intense emotion and experience.  It's why I prefer having a job where I'm constantly busy and challenged, even if it means long hours, to one where I may have plenty of leisure time but that offers no challenges, no conquests to be won.  It's why I choose to travel to countries everyone else is afraid to go to-it has to be incredible if everyone would rather stay behind.  It's why I prefer the energy of the city to the predictability of suburbia.  It's probably why I, normally practical, had a whirlwind courtship that resulted in an engagement nearly six months later (4.5 months till the wedding!).

Everyone always told me how brave I am for this, as if pursuing the desires of one's heart is only for the valiant.  No, I'm not brave.  I just pursue what I want to pursue and conforming to society's vision just never spoke to me.  I'd rather have a career that involves helping to create a better world than one where I simply come out with a lot of money, so that's what I studied for and pursued work experiences in.  I wanted to travel, so I found ways to make that happen.  Sometimes, the opportunity has to present itself, so I keep my eyes peeled-whether in terms of my career, an opportunity to travel or simply the ability to build and maintain my singing voice.

It just seems pretty simple to me, actually.  If you want something, you find a way to prioritize, even if it means you can only take one small step today to get there. Even if it means today, just starting to turn the, "Oh, that'll never happen," into a , "Well, maybe someday." Even if it means putting those pennies you found on the sidewalk into a coffee can, with the intention of slowly saving for whatever dream you wish to pursue. We've all heard that every journey begins with a single step, why not start with that step?

What's your dream? What baby steps will you take to make it happen?  What mountains will you climb to follow your heart?

Why I've been away for so long.......

I'll admit, I haven't been the most consistent on this blog for awhile.  I feel like my hey-days in blogging were back in 2009 and part of 2010 while I simply fell off the wagon in 2011 and have only occasionally written since.

As with most people, quite a bit has changed. I completed a year with AmeriCorps, where I worked with middle school students in the inner city.  I temped at a cancer organization for nine months and am now in a position at a different company that has me working in education and also works on international issues.  I do love my job though I'm still getting used to the learning curve (I've only been there a month). I like my colleagues a lot and they're prepping me for high level projects. In between, I'm taking voice lessons, singing in my church choir and planning a wedding that will be Catholic, Italian, with a bit of an untraditional bent.  I'm also trying to see my friends more.  In addition, I'm trying to get the apartment organized and build an exercise routine that I'll actually maintain.

There really isn't anything earth-shattering happening.  Right now, I'm just grateful that my life isn't as hectic as it used to be.  Once I actually practice build up my voice more and can start putting together a good repetoire, I'd like to seek performance opportunities.  My companion and I are talking about Peace Corps or some other long-term abroad opportunity for a couple years after we wed. Then, there are ideas of grad school, claiming my dual citizenship, possibly having a baby or two, maybe running at least one marathon......

The one thing I don't want to do is lose sight of my dreams.  But right now, it's about organization and prioritization.  With that, I see a corner of old papers that has my name on it. 

Separation of Church and State is a very good thing

When it comes to religion in government, here's my list of what I'd like to see throughout the U.S.:

1. Absolutely no mandated prayer in any organization that is not primarily religious (and voluntary prayer should never be led by someone in authority).

2. No laws against divorce/adultery/marriage between consenting adults of any kind.

3. No Bible, religious images or Ten Commandments statues in any government building.

4. People swearing by the Constitution in court, OR a religious text of THEIR choosing.

What else would you like to see?

To Change or Not to Change-That is the Question

'Tis the question if you are a lass awaiting her nuptials, even in the present day U.S.  Shakespeare allusions aside, the choices regarding a married women's surname can evoke questions and controversy.   From romantic notions and family unity to ideals of gender equality, there are people who hold strong views on the matter. For me, the decision to keep my original surname was a personal choice, but one I wanted to reflect my ideals and politics as well.

I was probably in the sixth grade when I first thought of hyphenating my name. Back then, my aspirations involved becoming a successful actress living in New York. If I were to marry, I would hyphenate and build it as a brand name. In any event, that's how it worked in my brain.  Later on, in high school, I figured I'd go with the culture and take a man's last name, but the idea of at least hyphenating stuck in my brain. It wasn't till college when I decided to keep it for good.

I read writings by Jessica Valenti, founder of the online community Feministing and author of several books.  I learned that the reason women began changing their names upon marriage was to signify them being transferred from their father to their husbands as property.  Though I know the vast majority of  women don't change their names for that reason anymore, I could not get that idea out of my head.  Further, if a guy is able to maintain his own name, identity and career before and after marriage, why not a woman? I don't see how possessing XX chromosomes makes me unworthy of my birth surname after marriage or unable to pass it along to my children, just like their father.

Yes, we are a team.  We're an equal, united front, committed to building a strong family, as well as names and careers for ourselves. However, even players on the same soccer team all have different names from one another. They are united under one team but bring their individual names, strengths, and talents to the table and are known by their names as well as their team.  This is how we envision our union, as one where we recognize the overarching goal but are still recognized by traits that make us unique, including our names.

As for whether or not our children will suffer, I've had friends from both egalitarian families and Latin American families who've inherited multiple surnames. Some tend to prefer one or the other and, when they get married, some choose whatever combination sounds better or makes sense, given their heritage.  I'm sure that, by the time we're raising heirs the empire, they'll adapt and grow like any other children.  They may have to worry about me sticking them with totally awesome names like Santino and Lorenzo. Hey, I am marrying a fellow Italian, even if our surnames don't show it!

Of course, we could actually execute Lily and Marshall's plan from How I Met Your Mother and call ourselves Mr. and Mrs. Awesome :D  But that's another idea for another day.

If you really want to show you value women..........

Dear guys of the world,

You don't have to get us flowers or candy. You don't have to help us into cars, take our coats, or hold the door (just push it back if you know we're behind you).  You don't have to pay for every single date, take a job you don't like to provide for our every need, prove yourself completely unemotional, or bench 300 pounds and carry all our groceries.  Yes, they can be nice gestures, but they're not necessary.  Nor do they show that you necessarily respect women.

If you want to show you respect women, call men out when they make homophobic or sexist jokes or if they refer to women as "bitches" or "the c word" (you wouldn't use the "N" word if you were a white man, right?).  Call men out when they talk about women as if they are pieces of meat or objects and never tolerate a friend who brags about nailing a girl who passed out (that's what we call rape, folks).  Never tolerate folks who would blame a woman's rape on her or who'd demean a woman based on rumors, appearance, or past actions.  Even if you find similar biases within yourselves, do every thing you can to check and correct them.

If you value women, never let anyone joke about the "bitchy boss" or about how periods make it impossible for women to be in positions of power.  Do everything you can to learn about and from strong women, whether they are political leaders, military commanders, activists, artists, or scientists.  Stand up for equal pay in the workplace and make sure women are not excluded from networking events or consideration for higher level positions. Take time to get to know women in your field and help them succeed, just like you'd help another man succeed.  Stand up for paid family leave (not just maternity or parental leave) so that all men and women with needs can take time to attend to them.

If you see women as people, stop beating up on your buddies for doing things women typically do.  Whether a fellow man decides to stay at home with his kids, pursues a career in education, social work or in the beauty industry, pays special attention to his appearance or is emotionally expressive, demeaning and shaming his behavior shows what you truly think of women. It shows that you think anything a woman is known to do makes it less worthy to pursue.  It shows you believe women are worth less, so the careers and hobbies they choose to pursue are also worth less. If that's what you truly believe, you cannot say you value women.

If you believe women are equal persons, understand the bias behind your expectations in a relationship.  Know that, if a woman isn't quite so good at housework, it doesn't mean she's not taking care of you (and you might as well use a Swiffer from time to time).  Likewise, if a woman chooses to keep her surname, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you, and if she wants to treat you to dinner, her intent is not to show off but to take care of you like you do for her.  She isn't your servant and she's not an extension of you.  She's her own person, uniquely gifted with dignity, aspirations, and preferences. Treat her as such and I predict a wonderful love life :)

We don't need to be treated with kid gloves, as pretty dolls, plastic saints or useless trash.  We're people. We need to be treated as people. We're your mothers, sisters, daughters, wives, friends, and colleagues. We deserve and demand respect.  Otherwise, your gestures and gifts are mere tokens and trinkets, worth less than we apparently are to you. 

Sincerely,

Every woman who's ever been a part of your life in any meaningful capacity