Empowered, Female, and Catholic

I am here to proclaim that yes, I am empowered, female and Catholic and that I intend to take over the world with nothing less than my charming smile. OK, I'm slightly kidding (about the charming smile part) but I do intend to live my life, a life pleasing to God and full of adventure, with or without everyone else's commentary.

It never ceases to amazed me that people's definition of "female empowerment' consists of conforming to someone else's norms. As a Catholic and a feminist, I feel I hear no end to it. First, I get criticism for wanting a traveling career, then I get criticism for being young and engaged (in what people see as a fairly young relationship). I get criticism for following the Church's teachings, yet for not necessarily wanting a "traditional" wedding and emphasizing egalitarian principles, values, and symbols. I just don't understand.

It amazes me that we tell our kids to break the norm, to not be like everyone else and that following the crowd can be dangerous ("If everyone else jumped off a bridge, would you?), yet, as adults, we interrogate those who choose not to conform. The sad thing is, most of these decisions we criticize are decisions that really have no effect and certainly no harm on the general population and usually, they are also personal decisions. For me, I choose to break the norm about certain things because I have been forced to consider what my values are and, if something does not reflect them or contradicts them, I am not maintaining a superficial image to please people. I still have to walk with integrity and do what's best by God, myself, and my future family.

The fact that I do make these choices makes me empowered. I refuse to let the crowd dictate my decisions, even if some members of that crowd are people I love very much. I believe in God, I believe that He gave us His Son and His Church, I also believe He made male and female in His image (Her image?), equal before Him. I've vowed to live my life, my vocation of marriage, and my career according to these principles. Why should the small things in my life not follow?

If I didn't truly believe in these ideals, I would not choose it. As I have, however, no one can say that it wasn't my choice.

My pet peeves as a woman

1. Any comment made about my body: Seriously, when did my figure become like the weather? Positive or negative, no comment is needed unless from my spouse as a compliment or from my doctor as a concern. If it's good, well, I'd rather you compliment my mind. If it's bad, do what your mama says, "If you can't say anything nice, zip it".

2. "You look like you're in high school!" : Any comment about me looking younger pisses me off. When you're young, no one takes you seriously and either treats you like a little kid or a piece of ass. As someone who worked her ass off to get through college, it makes me want to spit in your face. I've spent my entire life working to be defined as more than just my face and it makes me hate being both young and female. No, I don't want to look younger when I'm older. Older women are gorgeous and they're taken seriously. Besides, I've got my man and I won him over in jeans and a T-shirt, if you're really that concerned. Again, zip it.

3. "How will you have a family?" : Would you ask a man this question? Absolutely not. My family decisions lie between me, God, and my (soon to be) husband, who, by the way, is completely supportive of my ideas. I would love to have kids one day and I do want to do what's best for them. At the same time, I fail to see how following my dreams makes me selfish, especially if it allows me to teach my kids that, yes, there is a world out there. Besides, in this economy, it's vital.

4. Any criticism about my wedding plans: If you think I'm wearing a dress that prevents me from using the toilet by myself, you're messed up. If I am neither 3 nor 93, nor in a serious accident or ill, I will continue to using the toilet by myself. I'm sorry ladies, it creeps me out that this is socially acceptable. In addition, why is it a big deal if I wear a white dress? I am an orthodox Catholic, that's all you need to know about my sex life. You wouldn't ask my husband about his or demand he show his purity. Again, me, hubby, God. Take a note from Salt 'n' Pepa and remember that it's none of your business.

5. References to the state of my womb: If I'm pissed, I'm pissed and it has nothing to do with the state of my endometrial lining. I don't say a guy is pissed because he's not getting any or because his testosterone is too high. Further, if you're the one pissing me off, it's your fault I'm angry. I am emotional but I also come by it honestly and both males and females in my family are. It has nothing to do with the time of the month. In addition, everyone gets pissed once in awhile. We are only human.

6. Assumptions made about desires for children: Yes, I want them. Only two. Maybe three (if I adopt a foster kid). People fail to understand, I work with 27 of them. I love them dearly. At the same time, they make me realize that I am not ready for parenthood. I love children. I am just not ready for the sleepless nights, the fights, the never being able to take your eyes of them, and the constant fear of something happening to them. I also am not in a good place financially. I also want time to get used to being married. We also want to travel, go to school, and do stuff. It doesn't mean I'm not following my faith, it doesn't mean I'm not feminine. I just think it's irresponsible to become a parent when we have things we want to do and when we're not in a good place to support them.

7. Being treated differently: I'm not talking about politeness, I think we should support that. I also like it when my companion gets my chair for me. However, don't call me things like, "Little lady," "Sweetie," and "Honey" if you don't know me, that's creepy/condescending. Don't touch me for any reason if you're not close to me. Don't change my title just because of my age and marital status (if a guy gets to stay "Mr." or "Sir", why can't I be "Ma'am" or "Ms."?). Don't think that a ring is the only thing stopping you from treating me like a human being. Also, if you touch me and I don't know you/like you, I will kick your ass. And you will cry.

8. "Don't make such a big deal!": We make up over 50% of the population and we're still under oppression, everywhere we go. We always have to worry about rape and other forms of sexual and violent attack. We do most of the world's work, yet own the least property and make the least pay. We never get political representation and the most uneducated clerics (of all faiths) treat us as servants and agents of sin. Women's health gets overlooked just about everywhere, women's education lags all over the world, and girls are still sold as property or killed at or before birth just for having XX chromosomes. Damned straight, I'm going to make a big deal out of it.

9. "You're pretty, you'll find someone": Or really, anything about "you're pretty." It doesn't and shouldn't matter. Health should matter, because it's your health. Beauty fades or can be easily destroyed by either accident or illness. What matters is my mind, my character. Obviously, I have nothing to worry about, I found someone who values exactly that. The problem is, this assumption makes it seem like men value nothing other than a hot airhead. That does a disservice not only to women, but to men as well. Men do value beauty but the secret is, that applies to inner beauty. This stereotype not only blocks women, it blocks men. How sad is that?

10. Comparing a woman to her friends/sisters: Divide and conquer is an apt proverb here. There is nothing that makes a woman hate other women (and, consequently, herself) more than making her feel she's inadequate. Whether it's not being pretty enough, not having the boobs, the butt, or the ability to win guys with little more than a smile, this is a surefire way to distract women and keep them focused on petty issues. Point? It doesn't and shouldn't matter. Besides, I bet the really pretty girls get tired of not being taken seriously and the girl who gets all the guys may not be that happy.

I am first, a human being

I am happy to be female. I don't deny that I am made in God's image and I don't mind the way I was designed. However, I hate it when people act like my womanhood comes before my personhood. If even St. Paul (who did not argue against defined gender roles) could say that, in the end, there is no male or female, that is how I will live.

My womanhood does not and should not limit my ability to do things, such as travel. My womanhood should not mean that my desires to both have a career and a family are conflicting. My womanhood should not mean that, despite my hard work and education, I receive less payment than a man, yet still pay more for services such as haircuts, health care and dry cleaning. My womanhood should not mean that I have to constantly look over my shoulder, for fear of rape. My womanhood should not mean that my chances of political representation are five times less than the population of people identifying as female. My womanhood should not mean my dreams for the future are limited to a white dress. My womanhood should not mean that insults against me are so terrible, so obscene, you can't say them on TV.

It's hard being feminist and Catholic because, at times, I feel that the world is against me. No one understands why I fight so hard for equality, something I see so little of, despite how far we've come. At the same time, no one understands why I myself would hold to conservative standards. What they don't realize is that these are equally my choices. The only thing I've asked for my entire life is to be taken seriously and treated like a free agent, wherever I am and by whomever I meet. I ask that because, like everyone else, I am a human being, made in the image and likeness of God, saved by the blood of Christ and deserving of everything that a man deserves simply because St. Paul was right. There is nothing that separates us before God.

So, why does so much separate me from other human beings?

The body

A woman's life is tied to her body in a way that a man's simply isn't. People are always analyzing our bodies-whether or not they're beautiful, attractive, healthy (looking) enough to bear a child. It's no secret that our rites of passage involve what I like to call the four M's-menstruation, marriage, motherhood, and menopause. Even today, when we are encouraged to be well educated, have careers and have at least lip service to a political voice (female politicians being treated as they are in the media), the focus is always on the body. Advertisements, celebrity gossip, the well meaning advice of our mothers all still focus on the body.

Yet, when it comes to actually caring for the body, we fall short. Much like a woman's political voice, people pay lip service to the need for better health, especially better women's health but how much of that is actually encouraged? For example, for mothers who just gave birth, especially if they are breastfeeding, doctors advise a slow weight loss. Yet, when a female celebrity gives birth, she's almost encouraged to lose all the weight. How many, "New mom loses 30 pounds in the first month" stories have you seen? Of course, the magazines will sound concerned-until a mom actually doesn't lose the weight like that and they're like, "She admits to letting herself go."

"Letting herself go," my ass. She just gave birth! That's not letting yourself go, that's letting yourself recover! Of course, motherhood is no excuse in our society, we're still expected to be rail thin. Actually, skinny's taking me somewhere. I'm thin. How many times have I heard, "Oh, you're thin! You don't need exercise or healthy foods!" So, because I look small, I don't need to be fit or healthy? Yet, when a woman is larger, even if she DOES eat right and exercise, she faces no end to the criticism. It could be the one day she eats ice cream but, when she does, people are horrified. I could eat ice cream every day, feel like crap, and have the stamina of a 90-year-old woman yet because my body conforms to society, that's OK. Never mind that, even among skinny college kids, they are finding problems like high blood pressure, high cholesterol and other issues people don't think of until you hit your forties. For this, I don't think the issue should just be an "obesity" crisis, it should be a "health" crisis.

Or fertility. Take "control" of your life, even if that "control" means pills that increase your risk of heart attacks, liver problems, and breast cancer, as well as, apparently, making women vulnerable to AIDS. Even if it means horribly invasive surgery that has risk of complications and puts you up for over a month. Even if it means we're the ones bearing the brunt of the responsibility. Even if it means fewer choices when we actually do become pregnant and give birth and stigma no matter what choice you make (I'm not even touching abortion, adoption, single parenthood here-just things like breast vs. bottle or home vs. hospital!). Even if it means doctors who are well-meaning but horribly misguided and who, at some level, have to look after themselves even at the expense of our health.

I'm not even going to get started on the various aspects of the media, sexual preferences or issues like that. The fact of the matter is, this is a huge scourge on our society. A woman's body, like a man's, is a temple. A temple that should be respected, honored, venerated because within that temple contains something more precious: the soul. At the end of the day, the soul is what matters. We need to start acting like it does.

My feminism

I do identify as a feminist. I believe that, world wide, women should have choices. I deserve the rights to pursue education, a career path, money based on my merits alone, protection from violence and fear of harm, and to pursue and form my own friendships and family. I deserve the right to practice my faith, to speak out on issues, and to be treated as a human being, without fear of any sort of retribution. However, aspects of my feminism are variable and don't conform to any sort of model.

I do believe that people should not face persecution for their sexual identity or choices (unless those choices involve a non-consenting partner, that is). I believe homophobia and corresponding bullying/acts of violence are reprehensible. I don't care what people do with their partners. That's their decision. However, I'll admit, I'm not completely condoning. For example, I think promiscuity (irrespective of identity) is irresponsible. In a society that worries about STI's, HIV, and cervical cancer, even protection can't make up for the increased risk. I'll admit, regardless of gender or sexual identity, I think it's selfish and represents and attitude of consumerism with regard to people. We're human beings, not cars to test drive or clothes to try on before you by them. Save that shit for a commitment!

With regard to abortion: I'll admit, I'm pro-choice with regard to desperate circumstances. Rape, incest, life threatening medical complications, impending poverty, excessive youth (see rape and incest for that one) are all circumstances in which I would deem it a necessary evil. Believe me, I don't want the back alley to come back. Nor do I want women to die or face serious complications (mentally, financially, physically) because of a pregnancy. At the same time, I don't think it's right willy-nilly. Yes, the men need to step it up in terms of support. Yes, we need fair policies. I agree with that. Yes, we need more education. No, I don't think late-term abortions are OK (unless really life threatening and the baby isn't viable at all). I know, most people don't like it/want it, and I'm not saying that. However, hearing about the twin selection abortions (where mom decides, "Oh, I'll just have one") or a recent article in which a mom confessed to, "not wanting to move to a cheaper zip code," I have to wonder. I'm not sure this is a direction I want our society going into.

I just can't jump as easily on board with what other feminists authors would claim as feminist sexuality. Part of that is my Catholicism, which I adhere to pretty strictly. At the same time, it's not even about what people do different from me. Like I said, I don't care if a friend has a same-sex partner or that sort of thing (I won't do likewise but it's between them and God). I just can't embrace a vision of sexuality that reduces us to fifteen minutes. Nor can I embrace a vision of bodily autonomy that puts me at war with my offspring.

Fertility Awareness and an Interfaith Dialogue

I had learned of fertility awareness in my first foray into Catholicism. When I was converting, I knew that Catholics couldn't use artificial birth control but they could use a natural method. For a long time, I wanted to learn about it, as well. However, my period in Kenya made me question, as I ended up using the pill to help my periods and loved it so much, I figured I'd just stay on it. In addition, seeing women in poverty with eight kids-including one nursing baby and one in utero-made me a tad protective of my lady parts. Of course, then I couldn't take the pill anymore because my doctor was concerned over my liver and then I fell in love with a wonderful Catholic man. I was still nervous, because I didn't really trust condoms (18 instructions-you really going to follow them in the heat of the moment?) and felt I was unprotected. Then, I did my research.

Lo and behold, Planned Parenthood and the University of Maryland both supported Catholic sources saying that fertility awareness methods were effective-as long as you and your spouse (yes, both of you) were diligent. One of my married friends sent me a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility (written by a non-Catholic woman who doesn't feel any moral qualms about premarital sex or the use of barriers on fertile days) as well as some charts and a basal body thermometer. I was reading the book on the metro when a Muslim lady approached me and told me, "Oh, that book is awesome! I've been married ten months and it WORKS!!!!!!!!!!"

Whew!

We had a wonderful conversation about marriage and ended up exchanging numbers. I have to tell you, this woman did me such an act of mercy. Unfortunately, even most Catholics would tell me to use birth control. My own family doesn't know too much about it-my mom once told me it was for couples who need help getting pregnant. Others will say, "What do you call a couple who uses natural birth control? Parents!" Or, "abstention? That's too much to ask of a man!"

Yet, after that conversation and perusal through this book, I too am falling in love. I can actually know what's happening in my body, prevent AND achieve pregnancies, not have any side effects, not spend money (except on software to keep track and on a class, if I feel it necessary), AND my guy HAS to cooperate. I can't imagine a better form of birth control.

My body, my choice. :D

So, How Did It Happen?

I spent most of my college years thinking my life would be one of travel, a glamourous career, and one spent mostly by myself. If I married at all, it would be later in life, perhaps with adopted children, as I'd be too old to give birth (much like a beloved relative of mine, may he rest in peace). The kind of guy I'd fall for would be likely Catholic, as I still adhere to my faith, yet also somewhat of a hippie. He'd be daring and adventurous, willing to go mountain climbing and surfing with me in dangerous parts of the world. In the quieter aspects of our life, we'd make lattes, do yoga, and play music at open mics. He'd likely be of some type of Mediterranean, as I tended to fall for them, the kind that cooks and enjoys good food, kisses everyone with enthusiasm, has no qualms about alcohol (OK, the northern/mostly Christian Mediterranean type), and has long wild dark hair.

And then God laughed. Hard.

I ended up in a serious relationship my senior year of college. How serious? We announced our engagement very recently. Recently meaning, after six months together. Barely two months after I turned twenty-two. And, while my guy is handsome, intelligent, as much of an urbanite and a willing traveler as I am, he so does not fit the stereotype I just laid out for you. Like me, he has Italian blood, but looks more like the Irish and Scots in his ancestry, with beautiful blue eyes (everyone else had brown eyes). He tends to reserve his affection for people close to him, enjoys good food but wants to learn to cook, isn't a fan of most alcohol, and wears his hair short. He does go to the gym but if I suggest we do yoga together, he looks at me funny. He has many talents but his creativity shows up more in writing and in thought, while my open mic performances will likely remain solo endeavors (once I have time for them). He does enjoy a good chai latte every now and again. Hikes, I could see us doing. Climbing Mount Kenya? Maybe, if we could afford it. Surfing? We like beaches. However, our Italian genes did NOT give us the olive skin they gave to our fathers.

Yet, even though it wasn't what I expected, I'm happy. I had known my companion for a good two years before we ended up together and liked him then. He balances me out in so many ways. For example, while I'm pretty fiery and explosive, he is calm and gentle. While my emotions are tied to my work and my politics, he can detach more easily to analyze situations. While I critique some aspects of my faith, he reminds me why I love it in the first place. We have similar goals and are happy with settling down in the city we love. We love each other, as well as each other's families and friends. The thought of spending my life with him doesn't scare me like marriage did even just last year. Rather, it comforts me.

No longer will it be only my life, but his as well. As such, we will now discuss our adventures on our mutual blog. Check us out at Urban Catholic and follow us to the ends of the earth!